AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

It's not just " putting them to bed" if she"s properly away for two days. It's running the whole house.

My ex, after saying that he would pitch in when I said I wanted to go back to a 'proper' job after freelancing, and I got 3 excellent offers, totally torpedoed them by saying that he wouldn't actually utilise that flexibility and do the kids drop offs (to child care I had organised, and that would have left him getting into work 1 hour later - and with a shorter commute due to reduced traffic at both ends of the 1 hour shifted day - in a job which boasted about its flexible working).

Honestly, it was the beginning of the end of the relationship, as I totally lost respect for him, and was so disappointed. I did find a WFH job that paid well, and let me continue to do 100% of the childcare, but it wasn't reasonable or fair.

I think if you don't take the job, given you already cover all the stuff for the kids, you will resent him, and it will grow.

Congratulations OP!

Take the job xx

I was the main breadwinner throughout our childrens childhoods. Take the job and if you can, save half your new salary. When you get into your late 40/50s you can consult if it suits your industry.
Congratulations.

No, I totally understand. If my DH had taken the job that involved a truly massive salary, I'd have had to reflect on why I was in the marriage. Money isn't the be all and end all.

If she is doing all the house stuff, I agree.

There's many high paid men who would say what OP does, though. "We have a gardener and a cleaner so I don't see why my wife thinks her lityle pocket money job is so important".

And just an add. Big jobs come with big risks. I've been fired more times than Billy Smart's canon!

You are absolutely right. No matter what, it falls on women to find the solution.

Adding to my post above, I remember once asking my husband how it was fair that when my job allowed me to do all the school runs and then when I wasn’t available (eg work travel) he accused me putting work before the family - when I was taking all the burden as default anyway. In that case how was it fair that his job stopped him doing school runs every day? Why was this my responsibility? (Especially as I was the higher earner!!!)

When I put it this way he understood and it really changed the dynamic. Sometimes you have to reframe things for them.

I don't see how you can just accept the job without working out between you who will cover off household/childcare stuff - surely, that's just the reality of having two young kids? However, I do think you shouldn't just accept his point blank NO without a very full and frank conversation about who is picking up the bills etc at the moment and what this promotion could mean for you all in the future.

Like OP is 7 days a week. Poor menz cant be expected to do 2 days though can they? That would be unfair.
You're just a misogynist.

Congratulations on the job offer. I haven't RTFT.
Why are you doing most of the child care if you both work full time? It sounds like he's had it easy. Why doesn't he go part time and help with the children, house etc? Sounds like he just doesn't want to do it.
When I got pregnant, DH and I discussed who would go part time as we both worked 12 hour shifts, nights and weekends so nurseries were not an option, not well paid jobs.
I went part time as he was paid more than me then although he would have done it if I earned more.
Your H needs to step up but sounds like he doesn't want to.

Right @TammySueso a completely and utterly different situation to the op then?

YADNBU

Congratulations!!
You’ve got to go for it.
All your points are very valid.

Your DH is missing the bigger picture here. All he sees is it impacting himself. Your children will be absolutely fine.

Not even a congratulation sounds like there’s some resentment and jealousy there too. It’s quite a common scenario unfortunately.

Why are you paying all the bills, cleaner, childcare ? What is his salary paying for ? Just because you are the higher earner doesnt mean he gets a free pass to pay nothing.
What exactly does he contribute ?

As a woman with an inconvenient, high powered and very well paid job, this is so frustrating to read. Of course you should go for it, what an achievement and amazing opportunity for your family. Men are never told they're too ambitious but women are put through this endless guilt trip for doing something completely normal. I say, take the job, set a phenomenal example for your kids and believe in yourself.

Yes, your husband may have to be more flexible and WFH or drop hours but that's also completely normal.

Finally, once you're in role, you must also take time for yourself for hobbies, exercise, friends. Don't let the guilt of working and having a career lead to neglecting yourself.

I wish the SAHMs posting on this thread about how money isn’t everything and with their specific circumstances and how put upon they feel (justified in all the posts I’ve read) would actually read all of OPs posts.

None of the situations posted are comparable! Op is still doing the majority of the childcare and has organised cleaners and gardeners as her ‘DH’ ‘won’t do it’.

She is already shouldering most of the household burden so why shouldn’t she earn more for it?

Right. So not what the op said whatsoever
. just completely made up. With his job logistics made up too for good measure.

im getting a bit irritated by some of these posts, and honestly, shame on all of you who are trying to put the op down, who sounds like an utter legend with a top career PLUS doing/funding everything at home, simply because you have billy big balls husband who don’t parent.

£40k a year extra is almost £1k a week (you get holidays I imagine so will be more like 47 weeks max he’s having to solo parent). For £1k a week, he can’t look after his 2 children by himself for 48 hours (when they are both going to be at school most of the time)? I think perhaps he likes HIS simple no stress life with you looking after him and the kids just fine and is not taking your wants/needs into consideration

Promotion doesn’t necessarily mean more work - often you get greater flexibility more of the time - so it may be better to keep him motivated than to “ban” him.

How have you ended up being married to a man who has such a vastly different ability and ambition to you?

Low pay verses £200k isn't just earning a bit less, it's a whole personality and lifestyle away. If you take that job I doubt you're relationship will last. You'll be surrounded with other ultra successful people and this will change your mindset about him, maybe he can see this already. You'll be earning significantly more than the Prime Minister, but married to an office admin bod.

Genuinely, have you read any of the ops posts? She pays for them to be in childcare, has a cleaner and gardener because re refuses to do any of it…she currently does it 7 days a week, but that’s fine to you?

Well done on your amazing achievement. You should be very proud of yourself.

I do think suddenly having one parent away for two nights a week is huge and I would have hated it if DH had done that when the kids were small. I likely would have had the same reaction as your DH if I’m honest.

But, that does not mean I think he is right and you are wrong. He cannot just say no as he has no right to do that.

To clarify - our money is completely pooled so we have a gardener and cleaner from our household income. We have definitely prioritised - and been fortunate to do so - paying for convenience and being around a lot for the children. I think DH is struggling with the fact that, that might need to change. And, obviously, we do have to reach some kind of alignment to make this work.

I've just RTFT (yes I know I should have read before posting before, but my opinion hasn't changed). The part about him laying in bed drinking coffee while OP is up early and sorting the kids on her own made my blood boil. Sounds like DH is jealous of his very talented and hardworking wife, and he is worried about his cushy lifestyle being threatened.
Poor DH maybe having to manage the kids and house on his own for a couple of days a week! The audacity of OP expecting him to contribute as an equal partner! As if women don't do it on their own!

OP, throw this one back and share custody of the kids 50:50. You can have them when you are WFH. He will just have to manage when it's his turn, just like so many of us do.