AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Yes, fair enough, I missed that he didn't pick up the home stuff. My DH sure didn't put himself out when it came to work so we could have equal opportunity, so I agree that a man shouldn't balk at putting himself out so his wife can have just that. Or a woman. Both needs are important and sometimes you can't have it all.

Congratulations on the job! Sounds like you wanted it and should take it. I’m sure you can make it work. I bet if the roles were reversed and you were a man, there would be no raising of eyebrows. I think 2 nights a week is fine, loads of people with young families manage this. Sounds like you are very hands on when you are home.

Or support her. Or cheer for her.

im single, and love it, but for me the entire value of being in a relationship would be for that person to be your biggest cheerleader, and the first person to pick you up if you’re down.

the op’s husband adds NOTHING to the ops life. Doesn’t logistically contribute as you’ve pointed out, but also, doesn’t emotionally contribute.

im surprised the op hasn’t already divorced him, but would assume it’s because she’s so busy doing everything she hasn’t had time to stop and think.

I wonder if he has some resentment that you will out earn him by so much?

I would sit him down and explain (maybe write a list) of all the things you do and compromise on, and all the things he compromises on. Show him in black and white that it’s his turn.

Like you said, men do it all the time. But because you are the mum, you sacrifice to be around more.

Huge congratulations OP. Take the job, you've worked hard for it and you're obviously the best person to fill that role.

Take the job. You will resent it if you don’t. Resentment leads to divorce.

He might resent it if you do which may lead to divorce, but at least you’ll be divorced with an awesome job. Or maybe he’ll realise he was an idiot and do some self-reflection and grovel an apology and then you’ve got a better DH and an awesome job.

You should 100% go for it! We’re similar in that DH earns 250k and I earn £70k and no surprises that I do 80% of the childcare in the working week.

Seems to me a no-brainer. Potentially it's a choice between your inconvenient job or his. The one that wins must be the one that earns more with salary prospects - plus he's been doing something he enjoys, now it's your turn. It's not as if he even has to give up his enjoyable job if you get a nanny or something similar.

I think you say that you have supported and enabled him to have the job he wants for X years and it’s his turn to support you to have the job you want for the at least the same number of years. The same goes for anyone else who thinks they are allowed an opinion on your job.

Presume you knew you were marrying into the military and this would be part of the marriage though? It didn't get thrown at you afterwards?

That’s what you need to tell him: he had his turn prioritising his work (with your support), it is only fair that now it will be your turn.

Did he already have that job when you met or did he discuss it with you before applying?

If yes, it's lovely that you were happy with that arrangement. I wouldn't be and would never have married and had children with a man who wanted a job that meant he was away for months at a time 🤷‍♀️

Sorry what? What does "will not" mean? He simply refuses to housework, childcare and gardening? Why not? And if you don't do it you have to outsource? I don't understand, what does he do to contribute?

What do you want to do?
Do you want to take this job with all it entails ?
Does your DH know how you feel about him not wanting you to take this job?
The bottom line is people are different in the choices they make and how they handle the consequences of their choices. For some the work life/family balance is more important that career progression or financial rewards at certain points,for others career progression and financial rewards sometimes out way that balance. i could never have left my kids regularly overnight and chose part time work whilst they were young and some financial and career progression was lost. My sister worked full time ,every other week away from home, it had great financial and career advantages ,her husband was supportive . Our choices worked for both of us and our families and neither of us regretted our decisions.
Sit down together and talk through the pros and cons of this job offer and the consequences for you, your kids and your DH, tell your husband how you feel, you are clearly formidable, fight your corner with him if you think the job is right for you and your family.
Why do you think your DH hasn't congratulated you on what is clearly a great achievement ,because that does seem odd?

Go for it congratulations. IF the stress is too much then address it when you have to. You won’t know if you’re going to sink or swim until you try it.

Did you bother to read the bit that she also does all the childcare anyway and that her husband is lying in bed as she got the dc up? Did you read the bit that this would be asking the dc’s father to ‘step up to 2 nights per week’ with her on the other 5? So, still less than half?
im going to go out on a limb and assume you do the lions share of the childcare and that’s why it would warrant discussion.
so absolutely nothing like the ops situation

Congratulations, what a great achievement. I'd take the job and ditch the man child. He should be encouraging you, cheering you on in my humble opinion.

Longtermlurker1980
I love your optimism that taking a low paid job, with meaning suggests OPs DH isn't a twat.

Sadly I've often seen that the opposite is true.
Men who are doing their obsession or "hobby" as their "work" role are often absolutely blinded to how that affects the rest of the family. But you know, so long as they are getting their ego stroked.....vicars are esp bad at this.

So he'll have to put his children to bed two nights a week and give up his lazy mornings two days a week. If he's got away without doing that for the last few years then frankly he's been very lucky, and it is about time he stepped up and actually contributed to family life.

Why are you with him? It doesn’t really sound like a partnership.

You have done well to reach that level of salary- not many woman manage it especially with young children.

However, I do think jobs need to be discussed and agreed upon because it does affect the household. In some ways he’s not wrong re the salary not looking quite as high as it should feel due to the tax but you have to go in very realistically about the hours, impact, salary etc and the impact it may have on your family and the children. Sometimes it is worth it and sometimes it isn’t. My husband did a big job and the money was good (but not as good as you’d expect after tax) but the hours and the stress have been terrible for his health and he didn’t like barely seeing the children. He’s manoeuvred himself into something less likely to give himself a heart attack but it was harder than we expected to escape and move down. No-one wants an ex CEO in a head of position for example.

So I think you have to go in with eyes open about the potential benefits and risks. Big paying jobs come with big expectations and it’s not always a happy place to be.

And this is why women struggle to progress. Ideally, a family needs one flexible parent. Many women are happy to step up and earn but most men aren't happy to step in as the flexible parent so the woman's choice becomes do it all herself or pause her career.

The only thing I would be worried about is what he’s saying about you to the children when you are away. If he’s not supportive, there is a risk he could take it out on them.

So, bluntly, your husband is a low earner, doesn't do childcare, household tasks or step up when it comes to you having a massive promotion? I'd either take the job and tell him he pulls his weight or I'd divorce and get a nanny.

Take the job, ditch the weight around your neck.