AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Sorry, but why is it OPs job to ensure her lazy husband never has to put his own kids to bed, or do any house work or cooking? Why is it all on her shoulders? Is that fair for some reason?

Irrelevant if she takes this job or not, he absolutely needs to step the fuck up, start getting up with his kids in the mornings, put them to bed a few nights a week, and share cooking and cleaning.

This!

Very few people plan to be a solo parent because it is hard.

I wouldn't have been impressed if DH sprung this on me, that he would be away 2 days/nights a week every week.

I also have to say I wouldn't be impressed with the employer if this hadn't been made clear at the time of the promotion either. What if OP was a single parent? What other expectations will there be that they haven't made clear

Yet somehow OP manages 7 days week. Or is it different because even though he stays in bed drinking coffee in the morning, by the power of existing in the same house, hes somehow helping?

can't he go part time if you are suddenly earning lots more?

Frankly, since his job is both low paid and inflexible I don't think he has a leg to stand on. It would be one thing if he was low paid but flexible, you can't have your passion job come completely ahead of all the family's needs.

@Naunet I have posted earlier that he should step up, whether there was a promotion or not.

I was just posting that it shouldn't be a given that one parent (male or female) can just announce that their job now involved them being away for 2 days a week

Congratulations on the job, amazing achievement. You should just go for it and I’m so sorry he’s not happy for you. My husband recently supported my promotion (only an extra £6k but has now led to a way more significant promotion only a year on) where he was required to solo parent 5 days a week. No one blinks when a man does it, but when a woman does, we must all hate our children. I hadn’t realised that having children meant for some people that I needed to never prioritise myself ever again, or god forbid, want a promotion because my work and sense of accomplishment I get from it is a huge part of my daily happiness…

Exactly this. What would a man do? Do that.

I can talk with some authority here as I was always the solo parent to my daughter throughout her childhood. Parenting your child alone for two days a week, being able to but in any support or services required, is really not that difficult. Or unusual- millions of parents that are separated to whose partners work away regularly, do it.
He needs to embrace it and enjoy the time he spends with his children, and the positives it could bring to his long term relationship with them.

OP would you say no to him
if the roles were reversed? I have to solo parent several days a week as my partner does shift work. School runs, bedtime, meals, housework etc usually 2 days and 3-4 nights. It won’t change. I also work almost full time.

I don’t think you are asking for too much. I know of husbands who work away for weeks at a time and the wives have to get on with it. The benefit is you have more money to spend on doing fun things when you are together. And perhaps paying for childcare to give him some time to himself or a cleaner to reduce the household burden.

To my mind it’s about balancing being with your kids with what the extra money can give you as a family.

This!

Congratulations OP and in your shoes this is the hill I would be willing to die on.

Your DH is living a comfortable life that works well for him, I doubt he even gives a passing thought to how his choices impact the family.

Time to put those management skills to good use and enlighten your DH on just how many plates you are spinning.

So he needs to step up and do these things, irrelevant of OPs job, yet somehow her being out of the house 2 evenings a week, forcing him to step up is unfair? This makes no sense. Either its fair that he pulls his weight or its not.

Just a very selfish man, I expect there are lots of them.

The difference is that you do all the parenting, cooking etc…,whether he is there or not, and your dh is helping.
Thats not the case of the OP. Her dh is not doing all the parenting, cooking, mental load and the likes. SHE is.

So yes the impact on him being ‘a single dad’ 2 days a week is going to be hard. Because he doesn’t do that ever.

It’s not going much different than what he has to do if they separate though. How could be cope either a 50/50 arrangement ahd lookingbadter his own dcs 3/4 days a week. One can only wonder. Esp wo a cleaner, a gardener etc… that he enjoys thanks to the OP input.

Huh? Did this make sense in your head? Yes he has to step up either way, fully stepping up would involve him picking up a bigger load than the op is asking him to for her new job. She’s more than pulling her weight either way. What in your head isn’t being fair to him?

Divorce the husband get a nanny.

Why do men’s job take priority even when they’re not the principal earner?!

You really want the new job; your husband should support you as best he can. You already have support in place to run the home.

Why would you not try it for a year and if it is not working out, you can discuss the reasons why together and re-evaluate it. You have done so much hard work and promotion is the reward, and you are not asking a particularly big sacrifice off your DH.

I agree.

But ….
1- when the OP talked to him, he wasn’t remotely curious about it and what it meant to the OP. He just wanted his way and clearly exiect the OP to do what works fir him regardiess of what works fir her.
If he had been happy fur her, congratulated her, asked questions and also wanted to check logistics including the impact of her being away on him AND the dcs. I’d have a different view. Instead he is coming out as entitled.

2- the OP hasn’t mentioned how he normally is re her job. But I’m wondering if the fact she didn’t say anything in the first place is because she knew he wouldn’t be happy. So she went fir it, thinking it wouldn’t work anyway and avoiding a put down/confrontation, and now she has ‘unexpectedly’ got the job, it needs to be sorted.
I agree though that this points towards much deeper issues within their couple. Point 1 doesn’t help. If he is always that self centered and dismissive of the OP ambition/wishes/dreams, it’s not just a communication issue they have.

I think you've completely misunderstood my post or you're replying to the wrong person.

He is being incredibly selfish. In the current scenario it sounds like he is able to cos play as the main earner whilst you prop him up financially and also do the family stuff so he doesn’t have to compromise work.

When men earn more they always use that as the justification as to why their wives pick up the slack (even if they work as well). In reality I don’t think he wants you to take the job as he doesn’t want to be the one who picks up the slack at home. He sees that as your job even though you are the main earner. It’s sexist bullshit.

@SummerDive I don’t think the OP was initially told about the travel, which would make me wary of what the actual expectation of the job will be. She mentions additional stress. Even with a completely hands on partner excessive stress is not good for anyone

I have twice stopped dh getting a promotion.

First time was a very well paid role in UAE - no way was I moving there with the kids and I didn't think it was healthy for our marriage for him to move there alone.

Second time was taking a very public position in the civil service, he'd have been a household name - I valued my privacy too much.

I didn't consider congratulating him either!

He understood my reasons and respected them.

You should definitely take the job. Tell your DH to do one.

I was thinking the same. A lot of people seem to assume that working mothers will be at home for the evenings and weekends but fathers are free to work long hours and travel.

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity OP, I hope it all works out for you.

Dump the DH

he is jealous and fears you will get more and more promotion and will eventually leave him. So spare him the wait and dump now.

also as his job doesn’t bring in much, he can go part time (for his wellbeing) or if he can be ok mentally without working he can be a full time SAHP