AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Pick up the slack?!!! I think you mean actually do some fucking parenting rather than staying in bed every morning. Jesus christ the bar for men is on the ground. Do you think he had a nice little chat with OP to let her know he wouldn't be doing any cooking, cleaning and childcare or be the breadwinner, or did OP just have to pick up the slack like most women do?

Why are you with him?

He doesn't pull his weight, he doesn't support you in your dreams. There is no reason why you should not take this job.

But its ok for her to solo parent 7 days a week. You sound as selfish and lazy as OPs husband.

Go for it! If you dont tell him he has to do more childcare, should not all be on you.

I'm not sure this is 100% true. Lots of women would have issues with a husband who was away a couple of nights a week. It's one of those things that you can only sit down together and decide as a couple/family. I think we can be a bit quick to go 'men do x all the time and no one cares' when actually we just aren't always privy to the discussions that go on to make these decisions in each family.

Male here, if that makes a difference.

Take the job.

If your husband has done even basic military training, he should be shit hot at keeping a living space clean and laundry. He’s taking the piss, verging into CL territory.

Congratulations on your job offer.

You are not being unreasonable to be angry. It is not too much to ask he get his own children ready in the morning, and put them to bed twice a week. He is able to have a job he loves with the hours he needs because you are currently doing so much at home. It is only fair you have the chance to take a job you love. Yes, it may be less convenient (particularly for him), but that is surely less problematic than you being forced to turn down your dream job.

If you turn down the job, how will you feel in a year's time stuck in the same role, doing everything you are currently doing at home, watching him lying in bed, then grabbing a coffee and heading off to the job he loves? From what you've said, this isn't just a job, it's a unique opportunity to advance your career. You mention your slight resentment now, what would happen to your relationship if he denies you this opportunity (or tries to)? Do you think he realises this?

By making it about the money (deliberately or otherwise), he doesn't have to address the issues about you having a dream job like he does, or the current imbalance in domestic duties.

And whatever he feels about the job, surely he can at least congratulate you on your achievement.

I haven’t read the full thread, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to pull his weight. Your description of the mornings is really Not On. Men are perfectly capable of doing childcare, and children aren’t harmed by their mother to always being around as long as someone kind Is there to look after them.
congratulations OP and go for it!

I've only heard of this the other way round, as in the man getting a dream job and then saying it's ok for his wife to pick up the slack, or leave the kids with a nanny.
It really should be the same whichever way round it is-man or woman.

Congratulations 🎊 don't miss this opportunity 💐

If you were a man, no one would have a problem with this.

Congratulations on getting this role, this seniority and on your ambition. He either sucks it up or he leaves. You might be better off emotionally if he does that.

You would have to be stark raving bonkers, whether you were male or female, to object to your spouse being away 2 nights a week, in return for £200k in to the family pot, whilst they do most of the childcare anyway, so that you can do your dream low paid job.

Also - why have dc if you are incapable of/don’t want to sorting their breakfast out 2 days a week in return for a luxury life on someone else’s dime?

Not quite at these levels, but I've always been the main wage earner in our relationship due to the sector I work in. DH reduced his hours when the kids were small as the paycut/career impact was much lower for him than it would have been for me. Now the kids are older (early teens) things are much easier as the kids are more independent, but the stress was worth it as we're in a much better position financially than we would have been if I'd stayed in the same role and DH worked fulltime.... FWIW, DH still works 80% time, so he has a day where he can do tons of stuff for the kids and us - shopping, errands, etc.

Don't forget that kids get more expensive as they get older.... I'd be definitely wanting to have the extra income as a buffer/extra security as they get older. Your DH is being totally unreasonable.

First of all, congratulations. What a wonderful achievement.

It is a tricky one as there’s no chance I’d accept my husband taking a job like this. I am not interested in being a single parent and being away half the week, every week, is way too much for me. That means any time your kids are sick, have a performance or teacher meeting or dentist appointment or anything really - at least half the time there’s only half the parents around. I wouldn’t sign up for that if my kids were the age of yours.

My husband travels for work for around a week every couple of months and it’s still rubbish every single time and mine are older now.

What would your plan be for this? Live in nanny? Babysitter? I think it’s worth presenting a solution instead of expecting this to be joyous news for everyone.

To be clear I think his attitude sucks and he isn’t pulling his weight, but this would be a massive life change and I can see why his first instinct wouldn’t be great. He really, really needs to congratulate you and work on a plan together. But if you announced it with the expectation it was an easy yes that’s not fair either.

When you say he’s in a low paid job then he does site work
there isn’t many low paid site jobs are you comparing it to your 200k salary

Congratulations on your promotion 🥰 wishing you all the best on your new role.

Don't pass it by whatever you do!

Personally I think you do too much! Does he do any of the mornings or evenings? I would say flat out that you have been picking up the slack for his career for years and it is now his turn. It's not like you are even asking him to do more than half - it is less than half the mornings and evenings in a week. I think you should go for it and if he doesn't support you, maybe the whole relationship needs reconsidering.

Having two school age kids on your own for two days a week is hard? With enough money to pay for cleaning help and a baby sitter/childminder/nanny sometimes?
God forbid you ever become a full time solo parent!

Congratulations and go for it OP.

We'll done OP. I would do this as it will help build a great future for your DC (Uni costs, driving lessons, house deposits etc).

If your DH doesn't agree than I would seriously consider separating. Could her reduce his hours at work?

@Bigjob1234

You go for it! My esDH took a job that meant 3 days a week away for a larger salary, I worked full time, two young sons. Did anyone say "Oh he shouldn't take that job, a father needs to be home!"? Nope, no one said that. Everyone said what a smart move and how the family would benefit. But I bet if I had done such a thing I would have come in for a lot of criticism. It's as you say, a mother 'working away' is a cardinal sin and means the children will be 'neglected'. Bollocks! My cousin was a single father to two young children for a number of years after his wife died. He did a wonderful job, all on his own whilst working full time.

Your DH needs to pull his damn socks up and realize that sometimes 'the man' has to fulfill the roles of mother and father for the good of the family. This raise will improve your lifestyle (or make your current one more secure) AND will benefit your children in the long run; more money for school fees, help with uni fees, the ability to put money aside for house deposits for them should you choose to do that. Not to mention a more secure retirement for you and your DH when that time comes. And believe me, a financially secure retirement for their parents is more important to one's adult children than people realize, especially when that day seems far away.

Congratulations!

So let me get this right. You earn a lot more, do most of the childcare stuff (or pay for it), while he does a job he loves and not much else. When do you get to prioritise YOUR needs and life? It isn't about the inequality of earnings, it's about the equality of choice.

Definitely go for it OP. Your husband’s wants/needs shouldn’t trump yours. Especially as your career sounds like it has long term potential! Don’t give that up for a man who isn’t supporting you with what you want or what your family would benefit from.

You are completely right and it wouldn’t be considered outrageous if a man was being offered a promotion. I do feel like mumsnet can be a place where feminism came to die…