AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

It wasn’t such a big promotion but he threw a stop over it, how I wouldn’t be able to cope

left him a few years later and then got the promotion and then another …

Stop pooling all your finances and start putting a proportionate amount into the joint account. I was going to suggest a nanny and other help but you already have that so surely it doesn't mean he has too much left to do? Just put his kids to bed on the one or two days you can't. Is he lovely otherwise? As I would be thinking some of the planning might need to be a back up if the job doesn't work out.

Congratulations! Like many others have said, go for it.
Additionally I would be suggesting he quits his job and becomes a SAHP or only works school hours since he seems to think that parenting is your job. That's team work 💪

He will be doing more child rearing if you divorce him and he has them 50/50. If he’s sensible he will take that into consideration.

Or a divorce
Find a supportive greatful husband,who appreciates her paying the bills

Congratulations on the job!

If he was doing more of the housework/childcare, some of the comments might be justified.

But it seems like the only adjustment he'd be making is covering two mornings and two evenings - he's not even doing the bare minimum at the moment and even if OP took the job he'd still be scraping to meet the definition of doing the bare minimum.

He's doing a job he loves for fulfilment. This is financially facilitated by OP. She wants to take a promotion for her own fulfilment. All he needs to do is two mornings (instead of lying bed while he drinks a coffee and she does it, FFS) and two evenings and he can't even do that.

He's lying in bed drinking coffee in the mornings while she gets the kids up and out, OP has outsourced his share of childcare and his and her share of domestic tasks (although I would bet good money that she is still doing more of both than him), and paid for this.

I understand that a lot of women are trapped by their husband's taking the big job/promotion while they have to pick up the slack of all childcare, housework, mental load and taking a massive hit on pay and pensions while running themselves into the ground. That is an unacceptable situation. But that isn't what's happening here.

He doesn’t want to take on childcare? But you earn the most money and are still primary carer? Are you sure you want to keep him? He could do fewer hours to facilitate.

Also congratulations! Take the promotion! Do it! Love seeing women succeed!

Massive congratulations on your promotion!

For that kind of salary 2 days away from home is an absolute win (what field are you in please 😁).

I have two friends who's husbands work away all week and nobody bats an eyelid because they're blokes. If your husband is baulking at two days solo parenting he can jog right on.

The lack of enthusiasm for your promotion coupled with him being a wet lettuce about parenting his own kids by himself for 2 days is shocking.

Go for it, use some of the extra money if necessary to help with childcare. You may find it's too much and takes away from family life, but then you can always move on. Opportunities like this don't come easy, you'll regret not taking it. Huge congratulations!

Only in the short term. Bin him off now, before she starts the new job. He doesn't sounds like the sort to bother with 50:50 childcare, so she would still be doing it all, same as she is now. And reducing the long term financial exposure of him going after 50% of a much larger pot of assets than it is now. If she thinks the relationship is dead anyway, which it doesn't necessarily sound like to me.

Congratulations on your promotion! It is a massive achievement to get to the pinnacle of where you want to be in your career.

It sounds like he isn't currently pulling his weight outside of both your working hours and paid for childcare. He knows you being away for a couple of days a week would be harder work for him. But he needs to suck it up. 2 nights a week, and 2 mornings a week is way less than 50% of the load.

As you've said, its not just about the money, although it is a great pay rise. It seems to be more that he doesn't want the balance of work to change. Whereas you want the role you've been working towards, even if it is only for a few years. And the money is not insignificant, even if you don't need it now, you could invest more for an earlier retirement or towards helping your kids with uni/house deposits/education costs etc.

Best of luck working it through with him, I really hope it was just a knee jerk reaction and that he can better see your perspective.

Huge congratulations to you @Bigjob1234 🙌

I agree with other posters - if you don’t take the promotion you will probably regret it and resent your (not so) DH.

You are resentful because you thought your contribution was appreciated. Instead it is taken for granted. You are very happy for your DH to prioritise his own working happiness over his earning potential. He is only able to do that because of your earning potential. Because you are not a twat, you don’t constantly rub this in his face. However you thought it was part of what he appreciated about the relationship, similar to how there are things I’m sure he brings to the relationship that you appreciate.
His reaction has told you that your belief in the above is incorrect. That actually your contribution is more taken for granted than appreciated. That’s hard. That would be hard whatever the contribution was; if you always did the family washing (for example) you would assume on some level it was appreciated. If you found out it wasn’t, that would be hard.
Your DH needs to know this is important to you. Not necessarily from a financial perspective, but because you deserve the working happiness he has and your children deserve to see both their parents happy and fulfilled at work. I hope you manage to resolve it. I just wanted you to know I understood where you were coming from.

@Bigjob1234 Take the job. You'll regret the opportunities that come with it if you don't.

Husband sounds an inconsiderate and selfish knob. Have you considered taking the job and divorcing him?

Take the job.

I'd ditch the lazy selfish husband too, but that's just me.

Well done! I would be fuming too. Go for it!

And the wife would be on here complaining about his job and everyone would be accusing him of opting out of family life. It’s a woman getting the promotion though so that is absolutely fine…

Nope because the men who take the promotion also do extremely long hours, work weekends etc

Which is not the case of tge OP who wfh 2 days a week, can still do school runs and is still expecting to do the cooking, washing etc…that the men you’re referring to do NOT do.
Theyd argue instead that their job pays for the cleaner so what else has the wife left to do? Well the whole mental load to,start with that tge OP’s dh doesn’t agd will nit carry anyway.

Why does your DH think he is in a position to forbid you to do anything, you are married with children but it is still your life. Your husband has decided to stay in a low paying role because he likes it without asking your permission.
Why bis your husband's happiness so much more important than yours?

I would take the job and get a divorce. Win, win.

Congratulations!

Take the promotion and figure it out afterwards!

I got my ‘dream’ high octane job when my DCs were 2 and 5 yrs. DH took over the school and nursery run as he had flexibility in his work (self employed) and was the main carer when I travelled for work. We got a cleaner and at one point had a nanny.

I was only in the role for 2 years and ended up in a more flexible job off the back of it. You might not get this opportunity again and nothing is forever - this is one stage in your lives, one step forward in your career and it will have huge benefits for your future and your family’s finances. Cant he see the bigger picture? I hope he can get his head straight.

Take the job.

sit the H down and tell him that you are disappointed that he forgot to congratulate you on your promotion, that he’s not supporting you in all the effort you’ve put in to getting to where you want to be, while all along enabling HIM to do a job HE LOVES. It’s a bit more parenting “work” that he’s going to pick up, but the load isn’t equal as it is, and it needs to be a team effort.

the money you make enables the whole family set up and this increase will be life changing. For the better.

inform him that you’re taking the job, because it’s the chance you have to reach the level you always wanted to reach, and you want to make it work because you’ve worked so hard to get there. He’ll get used to it.

if you don’t take this job love, you’ll resent him, and that my dear is terminal cancer in a marriage.

FWIW, re my above post, DH was in a creative job he loved but that wasn’t setting the world alight when I took my ‘big job’ …15 years later he is making the bigger money almost by accident and is currently working abroad for a month, while I am working from home freelance (and have been dealing with a teen doing A Levels and a house renovation on my own!).

Life changes, you never know what’s around the corner…take the opportunities when they come and tell your DH a good, long marriage means supporting each other in that.

This. He sounds like a selfish loser