AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Wake up OP!!! He is their father. Why are you holding so much?

If you want this you MUST go for it. You will regret it if you don’t and you will resent this man forever. Please please don’t let him get away with this.

Read (or listen to) Fair Play by Eve Rodesky.

I am so angry on your behalf OP.

Yes. Men do this all the time. He absolutely can be the sole parent for a couple of days. Lots of women do this. Women manage when men work abroad for months at a time. Parents who are single manage. If he steps up and actually applies himself to being a parent he can do it.

If you divorced he’d have no choice.

Funny.

On here Husband takes a unilateral decision to change job, no way.

Wife takes unilateral decision to change job - fine.

You are married and have two kids. You should be a team. So work together as a team to resolve the issues.

If one parent is away all the time

2 nights out of 7 really isn't 'all the time'

🤬 Honestly OP. This man is making my blood boil.

Promotion or no promotion he needs to be stepping up more

Does he really love the job despite it being low paid, or is it that he has no ambition ? You are the major earner and he has no right to stop you taking the job you want and have worked for simply because it will need a bit more planning to accommodate.

From what you’ve posted he needs to step up more with childcare and I suspect that he doesn’t want you to take the promotion because it will involve him doing more. Totally unacceptable.

You're absolutely right. Men take opportunities like this every day and don't even consider whether it's inconvenient for their partner because it's the done thing. The roles are reversed and I say go for it! You've done the heavy lifting both childcare and earning wise. It's now his turn to step up childcare wise.

If you read the thread, OP has done all of the heavy lifting with high earning and childcare. He’s using a job he ‘loves’ to get out of pulling his weight. That’s not working as a team.

Take the job. He will adapt and you will be at home 5 days out of 7 and for the most part your children will be in school on those 2 days anyway.

Make the most of it, salary sacrifice will be removed in 2029 I think. The extra cash would make a huge difference in retirement for you both.

If he doesn't adapt then you have your answer which is that he doesn't see you as a team, he sees you as someone facilitating his comfortable lifestyle.

For context I have done just what you are contemplating but a) had to travel more and b) for longer long haul stints every other week. My husband who had his own big job, never baulked at the idea of supporting me despite the need to get our much smaller children ready for the day and do bed and bath times solidly solo for a week at a time. Yes you can get a nanny but generally I find they like a life in the evenings.

She isn’t deciding unilaterally. She is angry that there is no good reason not to other than he is abusing her domestic labour and wants to continue lying in bed while she over functions to make up for his ineptitude.

When the times are reversed, AGAIN the theme is men assuming and abusing women’s domestic labour.

Unless he is unable what makes sense is for her to she this promotion. It’s more money and there will be raises. Its financial security in an increasingly difficult landscape. The only reason he doesn’t want it is laziness and misogyny.

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting

We questioned it? The only answer we had was for DW to continue in her job and I was the house parent. I was full time at it to start with. part time work came later.
OP Please Take The Job. It is about far more than money, it is about recognition and ambition. It is about achievement, pride in your own success. Don't let him steal that from you.
I have seen and enjoyed the success my dear wife of 50 years has achieved.
ps. We are on the best of terms with the DC.

Go for it

An extra £40k take home is more than many people earn before tax.

If it's an extra £70-80 k a year for you then you must just be getting out of the cliff edge situation of earning £100-125k just now so this will make a significant difference.

Good on you and go for it!

Normally Id agree with you, but in this case the wife is doing most of the housework and childcare. Is it the same in the other situations mentioned? The husband could easily step up more, but doesnt want to.

That doesn’t sound chilled. That sounds like you over function and he under functions.

As someone mid divorce who carried the domestic and mental load and was the main earner, I can tell you that the resentment is worse than any guilt you might feel. Don’t let him abuse your labour anymore.

You should get equal rest time. Equal self care time. It should be a fair division of labour. Unless you forced him into marriage, cohabitation and children against his will and you keep him chained?

Honestly, read ‘Fair Play’ then give it him. My ex read it and did get it and shifted his position a bit.

He can reduce his hours to do more of the caring rest too. You could hire someone but you’ll still be left managing the situation.
I would tell him he can sort the children around his job and you’ll be happy to pay for extra help should he need it.
Congratulations on your new job. 💐

Congratulations on the promotion.

Curious - why does he do so little now? He should be doing half regardless of if you take the promotion or not.

I am not career driven, I would not want to be in relationship with someone who is. I value time over more money. This is heavily driven by my experience as a child where both parents put work first. My parents were separated and my Dad had the high flying career and as such i hardly saw him (about 30 hours eow), we weren't allowed to disturb him / spent a lot of time outside pubs whilst he relaxed. I once broke my arm and had to go to surgery on my own as everyone was at work...

If he is so worried about all the extra stress on you, he should go part time to help out with house and children more.
But he is not worried about you, is he. Only that this arrangement might disturb his comfy set-up.

Congratulations! You need to take it!
FFS why would you turn down a job when he would have to SHOCK HORROR do 2 bed times and some school runs now..

Take the job, leave the man

You may never get this chance again. And it doesn’t even include a relocation. Tell him you’re taking it and will review it in a year’s time. It’s easier to downshift than scale up so you can take a step back provided he fills the earning gap by then…

If you’re already stuffing your pension and ISA and don’t need the extra cash for lifestyle related things, put it into children’s stocks and shares ISAs and then junior SIPPs. That way, in the unlikely event your marriage breaks down over this, he won’t be able to get his hands on some of that extra salary.

Read the effing thread. At least the ops posts. If this is a team, then the op is 10 of the players and the h is 1. No, scratch that, he’s on the bench.

He is jealous.
Take the job and get a nanny and a cleaner

Ugh, MN seems to be full of these sorts of men, living off their wives with their low paid hobby jobs, but still throwing their weight and opinions around about her career and home duties like they’re some sort of Master of the Universe type and she’s the “little woman”. You are the bread winner, you have to carry the can for your financial futures, you tell him he needs to adapt to your new job or fuck off and cocklodge elsewhere.

Sounds like you do everything right now.

Regardless of whether you take the job or not, he should step up to do a fair portion of the chores and childcare. I'd present that fact to him as non-negotiable.

I also think you should take the job, it clearly means a lot to you.