AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Congrats, that's just awesome. Hubby needs to be on board and support you.

Like any job, I think you need to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of what will be different, don't accept a blanket 'no' from your husband unless he is prepared to talk about it properly. In the same way you shouldn't accept it until you have discussed it thoroughly and what it means for you as a family.

You being away two days a week should absolutely not be a reason not to take it, and working from home 2 days a week is a massive plus. So if his only reason for saying no is that it means he has to take over parenting duties 2 mornings a week and two evenings a week, then he is being ridiculously selfish.

Whatever happens (I think you should go for it!), going forward you should be expecting more from your husband on the parenting front, he has it very cushty right now and is only pushing against this as he doesn't want his easy lifestyle to change.

DH wouldn’t have wanted a job that took him away from DC even if only a couple a days a week. So it isn’t the case that men would choose a job like this without thinking about impact on the time spent with family

You mention stress will increase. Would the increase in money and impact on family be worth the stress. Would you actually be happier?

This stranger is really happy for you OP even if your husband isn't. You deserve someone to tell you that - well done and congratulations.

I have the feeling that the thread would have gone very differently if the roles were reversed.

Congratulations and if he makes it a chosie choose the job. He can move out and manage alone and you can hire a nanny for wraparound care

OMG I cannot believe that you're getting a hard time.

This man has been incredibly lucky - he gets to exploit you for more than your share of domestic shitwork like most men, AND do a low-paid job that he loves.

I think this is a conversation that you should have had years ago OP - and it certainly needs to happen now.

Many congratulations. Please please take the job. Your DH is being selfish.

My feeling is that you will regret not taking it. It's shone a spotlight on cracks in your marriage - that's not necessarily a bad thing. You have the opportunity to sit your DH down and see if he is able to recognise how selfish he's being and work through the issues. That process could result in you having a better relationship but if it doesn't, then it won't be your fault. It won't be because you took the job.

Do it. Your children will be so proud of you when they are old enough to understand.

Take it. Put loads more into your pension. It doesn’t sound to me as though your husband is a keeper, so fuck him.
Congratulations.

Go for it. Congratulations!

Financially? Yes. Although less today than tomorrow.
Emotionally? No. It must be awful to be disrespectful like this.

Your DH has a great life, doesn't he? No parental responsibilities, no chores, cushy job but has a fantastic lifestyle due to your hard work and abilities. Let's face it, when a woman has the lower paid job she does all the drudgery to compensate because that's the deal, in most cases. This lazy sod doesn't even bother getting up to help out in the mornings.
Take the job OP, you deserve it. Your DH can step up or step out.

I hope you're going for it.

He can adapt or do the other thing...

How would you feel about him if you turned it down?

i would have said the same thing.

DH didn’t push his career too far when DC were young so he could have more time with them. Once they got older he went for promotions. He also promotes work/life balance now he is CEO. Where people have put off promotions as they are part-time he actively encourages (part-time senior roles were not a thing when he was going up the ranks).

I’m not sure the roles ever would be reversed?
I just can’t imagine a man who has a £100k a year job getting up in the morning to get the kids ready, whilst the mother lays in bed, then goes to a low paid job which she enjoys, whilst he works around picking the kids up from school. She refuses to do gardening or cleaning. Then him being offered a £200k job and her saying no as she’ll have to give the kids breakfast and put them to bed on her own 2 days in 7. This would never ever happen.

Congratulations @Bigjob1234 - just out of curiosity what industry are you in where you currently earn very well and are around lots? I'm not baiting, very genuinely interested.

Also I think it's worth saying there are plenty of jobs that require travel and long hours that don't come with that sort of salary. My husband is regularly away 2-3 days at a time (not every week, but often enough) and is an only slightly above average earner (as am I). I've never made him feel bad about it and I just get on with it at home (I have a full time job earning similarly to him). Is it just part and parcel of the role. It's not ideal for family life but it is what it is and when I'm on my own with my kid, we have our own little fun rituals and precious one on one time together that she'll hopefully remember more than his absence. So I don't think you should feel bad about the prospect OP, as this is a role and salary that could change your life and their futures considerably.

I really really hope you take this job. You already sacrifice for your husband. His set up is pretty unsustainable imo , but maybe it’ll be fine as the heat will be cooler in a couple of years.

Well done and go for it! Even if just for a few years so really set yourself up career wise and money wise. The children will cope - it is probably when they are older that they will need more after school time and it may get harder and that is when you can reappraise. If your DH doesn't like it how would he like 50/50 split when he would need to do more every single day as a solo parent - has he thought about that! Do what is right for you - if you were talking about weeks away at a time then that is different but you are not! My niece's OH works 6 weeks away at a time and they have 2 children and they make it work, so can you!

Well as your dh does work you could kick his lazy arse out, have 50/50 custody and he can enjoy his low salary and do his own housework, gardening and parent his dc half the week.
My God, the entitlement is strong with your dh.

He is a sexist twat, who sees the children as "the woman's responsibility".
What is he bringing to the marriage?
Would you be emotionally and mentally better off without him?

Yes. Because the poor bloke’s penis absolutely prevents him from stepping up.

FFS!!! Why is nanny your first go to rather than the FATHER ?!!!

This is how it happens. Women are still expected to hold the whole domestic load. Men get away with doing bare minimum.

I don’t think it is acceptable in a man. Nor a woman. If one parent is away all the time and then more attentive to their emails/phone/tiredness when they are physically at home, this isn’t being a parent, it’s being a provider.

If you think you can do this job and be an effective parent - be there for school plays, parents evenings, illness, homework etc, go for it. If not, question it.