AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

If this was him getting the offer, would it even be a conversation or would he have said yes?

This sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. I'd grab it with both hands - it's not like you're leaving newborns at home.

I just feel like the OP could be written by a "big man" with a "big job". He's "around lots" so doesn't understand why the "little woman" is kicking off about her "little job". It feels like some kind of reverse.

Huge congratulations on your great achievement! Well done! Please, please, please take the job - I think it sounds as if your husband is upset that he will have to take up some of the slack that you usually carry round his inconvenient job, and will have to do some proper parenting, which he is used to you doing all the time. Unless I’ve completely misunderstood his attitude? Anyway, you are most definitely not being unreasonable to be angry with him. I must say, unless there’s more to it than you’ve stated, as PP have suggested, I’m afraid in your position I might actually be considering divorce, too.
Good luck, I do hope it all works out for you and you manage to take the job and enjoy it, and work well with your husband so your family life is not poorly impacted. It’s NOT about the money, it’s about your personal achievement.

100% agree. OP is being very reasonable and DH needs to buck up his ideas.

@LameBorzoi
you’re continuing to just make stuff up to suit your own narrative. Can you show where the op said she ‘just dumped it on him’? The only thing she has said about it is that he said a flat out no when she tried to discuss it.

which is why I said there needs to be conversation and not just about this job. It may be that the marriage can be saved, it may not, it maybe that the OP won't want to try to save it and by this I am NOT suggesting that she should decline the job to save her marriage.

Cynically, I doubt that would happen since the “big man” with a “big job” is highly unlikely to also be the one who does the daily family routine and family life admin on top of his “big job”.

Your post could have been written by a friend of mine, right down to the lack of congratulations. She kicked him out and now she does her travel on two nights a week he has the kids. I'm not saying you should do this, but puts it in perspective. He won't be doing childcare when you're away. He'll be parenting.

his view is that money is not worth sacrificing our current lifestyle after tax etc.

my giving up lifestyle he means that you would no longer be able to do it all, and he would actually get off his lazy arse and do a little bit of parenting. Poor thing.

Take the job. Get a nanny. Tell him to stop being so bloody selfish.

Congratulations OP.

Take the job.

Your H should be embarrassed. It’s very clear he doesn’t want to parent after so long of not doing it. He could be seeing this as a great opportunity to build bonds with his DC, help secure their future and give his wife what he had - a job she loves. But all he cares about is how this will require him to go from doing nothing to contributing. He will still be doing far less than he should be.

Yuck. Massive ick

Congratulations! Tell your DH that you are taking the job and you both need to sit down and make it work. It's time him to step up and support you.

take the job. you could get a Nanny part time around his access hours, would he want shared custody or less? cos honestly, if he thinks he can work a poor paid job cos he wants to but you have to earn lots and still do everything to facilitate his life, then the marriage isn't working

That your DH feels emasculated is hardly surprising. Men are very predictable about wanting to wear the trousers in the household.

However, you mustn't give in to his fragile ego because you will both resent him dreadfully and end up divorced. You must take the new higher paying job because you are going to end up divorced anyway.

Congratulations, OP.

he would probably end up doing max 2 bedtimes alone each week and 2 mornings alone each week. What a big baby he is.

I earn very well, am around lots, do the kids wake up, bedtimes and make dinner every day.
And yet he's still moaning?
You need a serious conversation. He has had a good thing going and he is now faced with the idea of having to put in some parenting, and he's throwing his toys out over it.
I cannot imagine this scenario with the sexes reversed.

Go for it, OP. You are WFH 2 days + weekends. It's a no brainer.

Firstly, congratulations!!!! 👏
Secondly, go for it!
Thirdly, get a nanny. That could be the replacement for your current childcare and will negate your DH having to do extra. It's not at all unreasonable for him to do the extra bits you've outlined but he has said (in as many words) he absolutely does not want to do it and will no doubt kick off and make your life miserable if you try to make him.

If you make his life less pleasant in any way he will reciprocate by making yours doubly so, even if he hasn't sat down and thought about it/planned it in that way; he just will.

I'm starting to think that DH sounds a bit like a cocklodger. He gets to do a low paid job that he loves, but he does hardly any of the childcare and life admin. Doesn't sound very fair to me.

It is actually insane that the likely solution to a father (who doesn’t massively contribute financially) who is being asked to contribute 25% of the parenting is ‘get a nanny.’
May this love never find me.

Are people urging the OP to ditch her DH getting that she is the pot of gold in this marriage? A split would cost her, not him.

He told you no?! And you said what in response.

He doesn't get to tell you no, and you don't need his permission.

Of course you should go for it.

She never said she does all the childcare.

She does the mornings, and she's around in the evenings.

I grant that it is likely that she does do the lion's share, but she never said that, and everyone has just assumed.

@Bigjob1234 Congratulations! Take the job.

Ignore posters telling you, in effect, to make yourself smaller by not mentioning your salary (WTF not?! This is one of the reasons there's still such a massive pay gap), not referring to yourself as the breadwinner (you are; it's an indisputable fact), making your life fit around your husband's desires so he can keep playing at what he loves rather than sacrificing for his family.

It sounds like you've managed to build a good balance and you'll still have a pretty good balance after taking this job.

I think the big thing is here he only gets to do the job he wants to do because you pick up the bills

Absolutely this

Assuming you applied for the job because you want it, you obviously need to accept it. You deserve to do a job you love too. You husband needs to step up at home, but you could also use some of the extra income to make family life easier. If you don’t have them already, get a cleaner, nanny etc.