AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Yup. A man who earns almost all the money and does all the childcare, getting up early to get children ready while wife drinks coffee in bed and then simplywaltzes out to her low paid no career job? A man who would give up on his dream job so wife wouldn't need to do bedtimes twice per week? Would never ever happen.

OP your DH sounds extremely lazy and entitled, he thinks his life and wishes should be prioritised, even though you clearly do 90% for the family. If you give up on this opportunity because he can't be arsed to do bare minimum of parenting, you will always resent him, no question.

Many congratulations OP, what a fantastic career opportunity for you. You’ve supported him, enabling him to do a job he loves and yet he is being a dick to you regarding your career enhancement. Don’t let his selfishness cloud your decision.

congratulations OP - I think I would say that I’m taking it anyway but have a decent chat about what it is that he’s concerned about - be it pick ups , travel, holiday times and then discuss ways of mitigating this - be it a nanny share who does pick ups and drop offs - an after school helper/housekeeper who does pick ups and maybe prepares dinner - there are many variables on this - I know as many yearsago worked for a wealthy family where they did this - tell him you are doing it anyway, so need to discuss the practicalities - one thing to bear in mind is if you do need to pay for help you may not be that much better off , so it’s def worth thinking about is it about the kudos, the skills stretching etc and not just the money , so you have the answers ready in your head. As others have said - most blokes would just say they were taking it and leave it up to the little woman to sort the practicalities with no regards to the wife’s job at all

My husband could have written the posts about me (he wouldn't, though).

We have a gardener and cleaner. I have a lower paid job than him. I swan out in the morning while he does most of the work - it balances out at other times.

He's turned down promotions because I don't want to be parenting solo.

I'd go for it.

So basically his nose has been put out of joint because he’d actually have to do some parenting labour, something he currently isn’t doing? Does he do any housework? Does he do any cooking? Does he have a lot of time for himself?

Well done on the new job. Massive achievement in all respects.

I say if you want the job, go for it. You only live once and your husband is being extremely selfish in not supporting you. I agree that if the roles were reversed you would be expected to support him and there would be little conversation around it at all.

You just need to make sure you are happy with the job and the absence/stress, however your kids will be fully at school and becoming more independent all the time, so it's a good time for it to happen.

If you want it take it.

well yes mine did too and that's why I can't vote.
It does seem to me that there is a mega communications problem here.
First well done to the OP and what a great thing for you and your family.
Because its not how my marriage worked (widowed now) I am surprised that you didn't mention that you were trying for the promotion because my husband and I were each other's greatest cheerleaders. I am not criticising but is this kind of interraction more that a one off?
I don't know if you should take the job or not. What i do know is that yes the big old conversation needs to be had and not just about this job.

Congratulations and do go for it OP!

My husband did that for me. He does most of the morning stuff with the kids.

Wow, anyone being negative to you in this scenario has serious issues. Your DH is living the life of riley with you doing the lions share with the kids and earning to fund a significantly nice life style while he does a job he enjoys at the expense of your convenience and hard work. How dare he let you carry all the mornings?! About bloody time he stepped up, and to not even congratulate you?! Sorry OP, he sounds like an arsehole.

But he wasn’t the one doing the cooking and most of the parenting whilst ALSO bring the higher earner

I mean, taking into account the fact you don’t want to do parenting alone (for 2!! Days a week, not 5) is pretty normal.
But saying that you dint want to do parenting alone for 2 days a week when you are NOT the main parent is …. shit sorry.

Yes we all get he doesn’t want to take on a fair share if responsibility. No one likes to do more work than they already do.
Bit it’s very dufferent from your situation.

Exactly! Everyone on here seems to be at war with their partner.

Take the job!
Family will be fine. I am talking from experience.

Divorce his arse and get a nanny.

The problem is that the OP’s dh seems to have no interest in discussing things does he?
He basically stated he doesn’t want her to do,that. No curiosity about why she applied for the job, why she wants to take it, how tgey could make it work. Nothing.
Just me, me, me up to tge point tge OP is now Wonderimg if she is unreasonable to get a job she enjoys and want.

When I read your OP I thought you were possibly being unreasonable but since reading your updates (particularly the one about you being up and about with the kids whilst he laid in bed with his coffee and was straight out the door without making any kind of effort or contribution to family life) I though, nah fuck that shit.

Think of a future where you don't take the role...will you just crack on as normal? Or will your resentment build? I've no idea if this is a possibility but what if your DH is offered promotion which involves work away a night a week? Or decides to up his game and gets a new job that involves more time away? Imagine how angry you'd feel then. You can hear it now "well you should have taken the job when you could; don't take it out on me because you chose not to...".

It's not the same, but it's close enough to make me feel defensive.

I thimk he needs to step up, yes. But that is a separate (if connected) issue to OP not communicating a huge life change and just dumping it on him and expevting him to be happy about it.

Yes you’re right

Go for it of course, you don't need MNers to approve 😀

As others have said, get a Nanny & kick out DH.

OP, there are always trade-offs, and if you don’t take this job, you may well resent your DH for ever. Is there no nanny/au-pair solution that could cover get-ups and bed-times? Maybe if you got a nanny, you could ditch the after school clubs or whatever. You will have to think how you can make this work for everyone’s benefit, but your DH is being v unreasonable simply to dismiss it out of hand because the current set-up suits him.

No. People are responding on the ops situation. You are applying your own - irrelevant - situation. What you would do with your husband, ie two people who respect each other - is completely irrelevant.

I posted this thread early as I was up getting stuff ready for my children before a full day of work. He lies in bed, wakes up, drinks coffee and leaves

I think YOU are missing the fact your husband is taking the piss out of you. Your anger about the promotion should actually be anger at how your husband is treating you on a daily basis.

Take the job, get a nanny, lose the husband.

I think you should absolutely go for it. Especially if it's what you want. It sounds like your DH just doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

It sounds like maybe this promotion needs to mark a bit of a turning point about how things are done, whether you take it or not. Why is it you get the kids up and ready while he just lies in bed, has coffee, and leaves without helping? Why are you the one that makes dinner? I'm not surprised he doesn't want you to take a promotion that will mean him contributing more, he's not contributing enough as is! What a shame he's so unsupportive of you.

Also, if this is what he is like, would you trust him to do 2 bedtimes and 2 mornings without you? Is he actually capable of it? Why don't you have a practice run where you stay out of it as if you're not there. Then he can see what you do currently, might give him a bit of a wake up call.