AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

It's really telling what parts some posters pick up on as being unfair.

It certainly is.

Thank you. It’s quite funny really he’s been much nicer to me since we’ve agreed to separate 😂. Almost like he’s finally realised I’m a human being rather than a support animal!

Oh and. OP I forgot to say congrats on your promotion!

I don't think the Ops DH is feeling insecure or dimished, frankly, he has it made right now and he knows it and doesn't want that to change. I'd think carefully about what you do next Op, you've let him have his own way for years whilst making more money than him, how long before your anger turns to resentment?

Putting aside taking or not taking the job offer……

When both of you work full-time you should be equally sharing everything to do with the children (getting them ready in the morning, dropping/picking from childcare, bedtime) and the work to run the home. It doesn’t matter who earns more or less, you both work full-time, all of the above should be shared fairly. Why are you doing the vast majority? Can you sit down with your husband and have a calm discussion about a fair division of child and house jobs? And if he isn’t willing to do that, why not? Ask him to verbalise why he thinks the burden should fall solely on you.

Is his job so truly inflexible he can’t do a couple of mornings and after schools (after wraparound I assume) himself.

Is it typical that he lies in bed in the morning while you run around getting everything together? And he never does dinner? Are you happy with this.

This could effect your marriage in the future if you suck it up. Sound like DH needs to wake up and take on some more responsibility. It’s an opportunity to balance things out a bit.

Not bring there for a couple of bedtimes a week is no huge deal in my opinion.

Was he aware of your interviews? What did he say before them? Sounds strange reaction

if he refuses to respect her job or care that she likes it, why should she respect his job and care that he likes it? Marriage is not slavery, it’s supposed to be a reciprocal relationship.

Congratulations on the job!
However, I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you don’t take the job then it’s very likely that you will feel resentment towards your husband and a lack of fulfilment but if you do take it, your husband will likely resent you and the change in (what sounds like) his pretty cushy current lifestyle.
If you would be away from the family for a week at a time or whatever then that would be a different story but you’ll be wfh two days a week!

Congratulations! Absolutely go for it. With that kind of salary you can buy in extra support/resource.

Not quite the same as you but I went from 35k to 100k on an internal promotion and it
undoubtedly meant DH had to do more but we could also afford more cleaning and a nanny to support us.

You definately need to go for it! Your DH will just have to get used to a new family routine and you will resent him if you turn this amazing opportunity down.
Sit down and talk with a list of questions/points you want to make. This could change your family's life and you'll kick yourself for not moving your career forward.
Grab the bull by the horns and HUGE congratulations to you. 🍾

Jonestly if your hypothetical man did everything and now was going to require you to do the school run and dinner 2 days a week, while he earnt even more, you’d suck it up and congratulate him if you had half a brain cell, because many women would have divorced him long ago. I would have. Doesn’t cook dinner? That’s nice he can find his own place and feed himself. Doesn’t help with the dc in the morning? He can not help from his own place so it doesn’t make me mad. If he doesn’t step up he’s a textbook example of a man where getting rid makes his ex partners life easier. If ditching your partner

So I personally feel quite fulfilled at both work and home, albeit, yeah sometimes resentful this goes unnoticed.

I’m afraid I’d really struggle with his attitude.
You basically have been doing two shifts. One at work, one at home with minimal input from him. And now that he is asked to step up, not even doing HALF of the parenting, he is throwing a fit because how dare you having a job that means he is going to have to parent??

I’ve been in the place of the parent on their own whilst dh was working. At the age your dcs are it’s fine. Seriously. When they were babies, that was a totally different situation.

i have to say I’m 😵‍💫😵‍💫😳😳 at the fact your dh went Me, me me. Not a word about the way it could potentially affect the dcs (not a lot. If anything, it gives them the opportunity to be closer to him and strengthen their bond).
Nope just ‘I like my life tge way it is. Not interested about the fact your dh went want the job, you enjoy it etc…
And not interested in discussing what sort of lifestyle you want either. His idea of what lifestyle is right is obviously prevalent isn’t it?

The worst thing is that, if you were deciding that actually your dream job was one that was at a similar kevel than him agd your lifestyle would be effected, I’m sure he, and manu posyers on here, woukd tell you to suck it up agd carry in your current job. Becayse money etc….

Congratulations OP.
It sounds like you do the majority of the childcare anyway.
If the new setup would be DP does 2 days a week and you're still doing 5 mostly then he is being entirely unreasonable.
If in practice you do 5 or less but he is still doing chores etc in that time then a conversation may need to be had around taking a little more load on those 5 days or buying in more labour.
But overall he is being a dick for not being delighted for you.

Two things leap out.

1. You appear to be shouldering the domestic load. How the fuck has it come to pass that you both work full time yet he does no cleaning, gardening ot parenting in the mornings or evenings? Change this or divorce.

2. At no point has he considered that I might to take the job for my own ambition and achievement rather than just ease of lifestyle.How disappointing, he doesn't seem to know you very well. You've lost each other somewhere along the way i think. Do you still love each other? Do you both make the other person a better version of themselves? Can you still communicate honestly and productively? If not would couples therapy help? You do need to take the job of course but your marriage might need some help.

So he doesn't do much around the house & doesn't want that to change?

Even though it's for a job his wife would love to do?

Sure money isn't everything-says the man who is supported to do his low paying job that he loves!

Take the job and ditch the husband. He sounds absolutely awful.
I love seeing women do well and OP you are correct a lot of men earn this money and think nothing of travelling and being away a few nights per week.
I reiterate take the job and ditch the husband. I bet you would be happier it doesn’t sound as if he brings anything to your life anyway.

The fact you say you didn’t realise what was involved does indicate the impact of taking the job was never really discussed
and he’s now left to pick up the slack without any great consultation

this is about being left to solo parent not who has the biggest wage packet

tbh I’d be slightly pissed off if I were him

He’s being a dick. I have a low paying job I enjoy but it’s also incredibly flexible and I do all child related things.

Your DH can’t have it both ways!

So the crux of the matter is, whilst you have facilitated a job he loves, he is now blocking you from progressing in yours because he doesn't want to step up and do a third of the hands on parenting once a week.

Hi @Bigjob1234

Congratulations on your potential new job!

I'm talking from the POV of a loan parent who earned slightly less than 200k but had a big job and travelled until my DD was 15. I then scaled down a bit as i felt she needed more support at that age.

My first point would be are your kids generally happy at school and have friends and look forward to going? IF so this would encourage me to take it.

Second, are you excited by this opportunity? Do you want the pressure and the buzz that goes with this? Evening phone calls etc?

If the answer is yes, I would take the job. I would get after school care/ nanny/ the cleaner and gardener time (i had a mother's help at one point 4 times a week when my job was really intense so that every second I was at home and my daughter was awake I was with her.

In terms of your husband, my initial thought on reading your post is, it sounds like he can get away to family and friends as appearing as a big earner too. He may not want this to change if it becomes really obvious that it's you. It doesn't sound like he's genuinely against your new job because it will affect the work life balance of the family - as he doesn't seem to be participating in the family life part.

Anyway good luck again with your decision and many many congrats x

Take the job. Your career. Your decision.

I was a "high flyer" throughout the child-rearing years. Nobody suffered (except me a bit with the usual mum guilt and being a bit run ragged at times). It was just normal for the kids. I had a nanny and later a part-time housekeeper so that everything was covered.

I had a very fulfilling and successful career and that is also a great example to set your kids.

From a professional and family point of view - you should still take the job.

I'm C level, and I got here whilst being an actual (or practical) single parent, because I worked my arse off around the kids. Being very senior means you get to set the tone, and my tone is that I am available, unless I'm not, and that school runs etc. are non-negotiable (because they are - I don't have anyone else to take the kids to school). I don't travel, apart from occasional long trips when my parents can come and stay and look after my kids (they are older than yours), but you have a husband who can make it work (or a nanny - when my kids were younger, I generally had that - although the kids obviously prefer it being me - and TBH, I don't mind it as I WFH and it gets me out of the house)

I can do that because I'm senior, whereas I wouldn't have that power if I was lower down the company (Although actually, I also make sure that my employees have that flexibility - as long as we're all reasonable)

Congratulations OP.
Well done.

You are the family workhorse while he indulges himself.

Rethink the relationship with a very selfish man.

Time to sit down and look at single parenthood with a nanny.

Get legal advice.
Time to get out of this marriage.

He wants everything on his terms, that's not a marriage, thats having a cocklodger in the house.

Start paying your salary into your account.

You married a loser who is literally living off you.
Do not allow that to continue.

He's a waster. What is the appeal of having him live off you while you do and pay for everything?

Your youngest will be in school soon.
Can family help?

This needs to be your big wake up call that he is using you.

Congratulations, what a brilliant achievement, what school are the kids in? Could you do occasional boarding, the two nights you're away then divorce the drain on your energy husband?

Not liking bring ambushed with a fait accompli doesn't mean that hw doesn't respect her job.