AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

@Bigjob1234 congratulations!! That's amazing!

If this were reversed genders this wouldn't be a question.

Absolutely go for it and use the extra money to employ a nanny.

Your DH needs to be more flexible. It is usually the lower paid person who sacrifices career climbing for childcare as that makes financial sense. Its about working as a team. Doesn't sound like he is being a team player here...

My husband absoloutely would. He would always ask me about decisions like this.

Some amazing posts on this thread:

• 40k in your hand a year is nothing
• my husband (never the poster, I note) got offered a huge salary but money isn’t everything - very unlikely someone earning 50k suddenly got offered $400k, this person is clearly already married to a high earner so interesting to hear money doesn’t matter……
• I’d never take this (hypothetical, have never been offered it)
• various contemptuous references to ‘big’ or ‘fancy’ jobs that reek of jealousy
• two bedtimes and two mornings is ‘solo parenting’
• my children have a poor relationship with their father bc my husband works a lot - thank goodness in my working class family where everybody works I appreciate that my father worked two jobs and paid for every opportunity I ever had, he transformed my life with his long hours

I think it does make a difference if you know what you're marrying into though (military) vs. if it's thrown at you or evolves later.

I don't disagree OP's DH needs to step up more. OP and DH need to sit down and discuss how it could all work.

And, yes, I have a massive chip on my shoulder about the whole thing. :-)

I would have a chat with your husband about what the new role will involve from a practical POV (he'd need to do bedtimes a coulle of nights a week etc) but also highlight how it'd make you feel to not accept it.
My fear is that you'll grow resentful of your husband and even your children for blocking that opportunity.
You're content with your current set up, but you clearly want more and are excited about the new role and the doors it could open.

Fuck him, take it.

Would he?! He would turn down a promotion so that you could carry on working an easy job, doing no mornings or bedtimes with the kids, no cooking and no cleaning? I highly doubt that.

And like others say, you can consider getting a nanny for some wraparound care/bedtime help!

I haven't read all the responses but enough to see people agree with your dh. God thats sad. I would have some sympathy if he was already doing the bulk of the caring/logistics load and this was adding to it, but it sounds like he has a pretty cushy set up - a job he loves that pays badly but thats ok because you earn plenty, amd little childcare or household responsibilities.

I woild be getting a nanny for evenings you are travelling, and would consider ditching him completely. Then he could have the dc 3-4 nights a week alone instead of 2.

(Ps - the man's job is ALWAYS less flexible. He could work in Tesco and it would be less flexible because "letting team down" "will definitely get fired." I saw something on tiktok about this the other day I meant to check where they claimed they asked couples with 1 lawyer and 1 doctor whose job was most flexible. Didn't matter who was lawyer and who was doctor.... the woman's job was, apparently, always more flexible.....

Why does that make it justified? Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour.

I could easily earn an extra 100k per year. I don't, because I already earn well, and the extra time and stress isn't worth it.

I agree, two bedtimes isn't "solo parentimg". But if your spouse is away for two days a week and you have young kids, it is hard.

Yes but things evolve and she’s not asking him to be a trailing partner or to do 24/7 domestic load. If anything it sounds like up to now she has the big job AND the domestic load and he doesn’t like a small shift back in her favour.

I know I get it. I have the T-shirt and am currently getting divorced partly because I never got over the resentment but other things too.

But the OP doesn’t sound like our husbands and it’s not fair to put that label on her.

He did, actually. Not the no housework thing, but for a lower stress life.

I think you should definitely take the job.

My mum was the breadwinner when I was growing up - Dad worked from home and looked after me. Mum travelled quite a bit for work, but I certainly didn’t consider her “absent”. Actually she was a great role model for me (back in the 80s) that women could be ambitious and have great jobs. But of course she could only do that because my Dad was a hands-on dad.

@Bigjob1234 your DH really needs to have a serious word with himself…

Furious on your behalf. Personally I think it sounds worth doing - as you say, even if for a short period - but to not have it be congratulated and sat down and discussed in an honest “…but I’m worried this is going to make our lives untenable” way.

Yes, I can see that and OP's DH isn't contributing equally. In her place I might also wonder what he brings to the marriage. Presumably something?

I'm sorry you're getting divorced over it but I do understand.

You are a woman with the ability to land such a job and yet you are wondering if you are unreasonable?

Have a word with yourself and take the job. Hire a nanny.

I mean, I agree that he needs to do an equal share of house stuff and childcare.

But her earning more doesn't mean that his job isn't important, or that he doesn't get a say.

Which he is allowed to have an opinion about. And you are allowed to have feelings about that too.

Ultimately, if you want the job then take it - you can only do what you feel is right. There may be consequences for it but that's just life, you have to make choices. It sounds as though you want the job regardless and are looking for validation to leave him if he doesn't change his tune. The question is why hadn't you already?

What shitty behaviour are we talking about here?

Real speak - my job and I borh have "decent" jobs.

We.bpth.miss bed time one night a week and tag team on mornings and drop offs alternative doing them solo.

Whatever his faults my DH is my.biggest cheerleader (after my mum) while we make decisions.like this together based on the family 2 days travel 2 days wfh is veryyyyy normal. Infact its the set up my dh and i both have in our jobs now! Mine is higher paid with more flex

I'd be looking hard at the rest of my marriage.

Honestly id be telling him he needs to step up or step off? Is he actually engaged in family life?

@Bigjob1234 the internalised misogyny on this thread is both enraging and deeply depressing. The poor menz having to actually do a bit of post-school parenting...

MASSIVE congratulations on your job

A serious conversation with your husband is needed about why it's OK for him to prioritise his work happiness but not you. If my husband told me I couldn't do something it would be the quickest way of ensuring I did it within 24 hours. He's not your keeper or your boss. I think it will be tricky to navigate through this, because of the stance he's taken but you have to try. But honestly, I would also have serious reservations about how your relationship will work going forward with a husband who has this kind of patriarchal, reductive attitude towards a massive achievement on your part.

I know people are saying £40k isn’t much extra, but it’s more than a lot of people’s full time salary. If your money is pooled as a couple, your DH could effectively look at it as though he (well, the family) is getting £40k for him to do 2 mornings and bedtimes per week.
It sounds like he doesn’t do much around the house, so when he talks about “our lifestyle” he really means his own. I think a few hours a week of sorting out his own kids is not much sacrifice for £40k and his DW’s success – the pinnacle of her career that she is only planning to do for a couple of years anyway. Can’t believe he hasn’t at least congratulated you on being offered the job even if he isn’t happy about it

So he currently does sweet FA every morning/evening? No wonder he doesn't want you to take the job - he'd have to do some actual parenting twice a week!
Tell him he can like it or leave, you'd save a fortune in coffee alone.
Like the resentful pps above, my DH did the big job with the inconvenient hours. When his work involved extra travel, I didn't object because I was already doing all the kid wrangling, not wafting about sipping coffee.
I assumed you were going to be away for weeks at a time, but you actually get to WFH two days a week! He's a lucky sod and he needs reminding of it.

Right, so for completely different reasons, and not so he could indulge you in continuing to do fuck all and leave everything to him? Shocker.