AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Take the job, ditch the man! Seriously though what does he actually do to make your life easier as it seems you are the one doing all the work. All you are asking is for a bit of rebalance so you can pursue your ambitions.

I thought internalised misogyny too for this poster. Totally different standards for mothers or father.

I saw the term labourdigger yesterday - a man who uses his spouse as an endless source of labour, ie to work full time, be primary childare provider, clean the house while he continues to fulfil a 'traditional' male role of working 37 hours a week and doing not much else. It really hit home for me how many men do this in a post-feminist world where most of us do work, often in good careers yet are magically still expected to facilitate his career, hobbies and down time too. Men used to talk down about women who were gold diggers, but the same disparity hasn't come to the fore about the millions of women who now do significantly more labour than their spouse.

Take the job, you will always regret it if you don't because it is a fantastic achievement and very importantly you clearly want to do it. Your salary enables a childminder or nanny so his job is not changed, and frankly he is perfectly capable of parenting his children a couple of days a week before and after work, just as millions of single parents do, parents whose spouse works away or is in the military or in hospital etc. He's not incapable, he just can't be bothered and as you say your salary is the one that enables you to have a good life, but you should also feel fulfilled with that too which it sounds like the new role will give you.

He’s scared he’ll have to do some parenting

Go for it OP! What an achievement! He is clearly only thinking of himself, I had a similar situation a year ago (not as much money as you) but still a considerable rise and did not take it due to childcare and not being around as role was more in person and as I wfh almost everyday I turned it down, I regret not taking it! You will stil get to WFH 2 days a week, Go for it you would be mad not to! Think ahead in 5 years time you could be on 250-300k

I think there's a place for banning certain jobs. My DH was offered a 400k job. He was all excited and told me about it until I replied, "So you're saying that you could be sent away at a moment's notice, for weeks at a time, at the company's whim? So we can never rely on you coming on planned holidays, I'll have to give up all the plans I have for next year for my work, and basically we'll have to operate all the time on the assumption that you aren't going to be here?" He said yes. I told him how unfair that was and I can't remember if I told him this or just thought it, but it crossed my mind that if that was the case, I might as well just get on with life as a single mother, since that's what I would be (except for still having his income). I mean, what's the point of a marriage if he's married to the company first?

She has painted that picture, yes. And if it's true then the marriage is not viable. I said that.

Whichever gender is doing it, trying to force the lower earner into capitulating by threatening them financially is just obnoxious - there are no heroes in this story.

If you don't take the job the resentment will likely end your marriage, so you may as well take it and see how things work out. That's what I would do if in your lucky shoes.
He'll either step up, or ship out.

OP isn't threatening him financially, she's just asking him to step up and do his share of parenting.

Just what I was going to write.

If he doesn't want a nanny tell him to give up his low paid job and look after his children so you can fulfill your dreams. He's been living his dream on your money and goodwill for long enough.

I dont know where you've invented her threatening him from but ok, so I'd ask why its ok for him to force her to get the kids up every morning whilst he stays in bed drinking coffee?

It's really telling what parts some posters pick up on as being unfair.

Obviously that's extremely unfair and there's no reason this time shouldn't be a shared effort.

To repeat for the posters being particularly vicious, I think this is impacted by the relatively chilled out set up with have. I earn very well, am around lots, do the kids wake up, bedtimes and make dinner every day. So I personally feel quite fulfilled at both work and home, albeit, yeah sometimes resentful this goes unnoticed. However this role is what I have been building up to for the last 20 years! It feels a bit now or never, but there are trade offs.

Look up Be a happier parent - Alex trippier. He’s on instagram and has podcasts I think. He talks about sharing loads and all that stuff. How he thinks is the bare minimum you need from your H of you want to pursue your career / role.

I think there is other things that need attention in your relationship if he is not congratulating you and then talking calmly about how it will work.

Agree that's an awful reaction from him. Not solutions focused at all. My husband loves his job and I do more of the childcare - not everything needs to be 50/50 anyway. It sounds like you're really supportive with his job. I think you need to sit down with him and point out how negative he's been and say that you really want to do the job and what solutions can you agree together, e.g., nanny, etc. etc.

I get why you're fuming. You should go for it. It sounds like a great opportunity. Also, you have a solid plan for balancing your home commitments.

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting - in fact, it's often framed as a sacrifice they're making for their family and the wife and kids are expected to be extremely grateful. The man never arranges any child or housecare- just leaves it all to the woman, who's probably expected to give up her "little insignificant job" due to the cost of paying for external help.

You're doing loads, OP. Don't let other posters make you feel shit with their double standards. And don't let your DH hissy fits hold you back - he'll have no problem spending the money once it's in the household. And he's already being "allowed" to pursue the career he wants despite the "costs" to the family.

It feels like double standards all round!

I have a few friends (female) who are dissatisfied in their marriages because their husbands have 'very important jobs' and are barely present. When they're at home, they're always checking their phone, logging on and working in the evenings and at weekends. One divorced her husband on the strength of it - kids weren't even that bothered about it becasue he was hardly there or involved in their lives, anyway.

Many of these senior roles come with conditions and sacrifices and it's family life that suffers.

From one working mother with young children to another: congratulations, what a fabulous achievement.
And your husband is being outrageously unreasonable

Almost like him being left to it 2 days a week would actually makes things fairer, isn't it?

Look you’re projecting massively. The OP is not your husband. I have been you so I get it. But the OP has been doing most of the childcare as well as the big job. He is baulking about stepping up and doing a couple of mornings and a couple of bedtimes. You’re reading something into this because you’re still resentful but it’s not fair on the OP.

Can you imagine a man coming onto a forum for men and the men saying oh you shouldn’t get your wife to look after her own kids a couple of nights a week so you can take your job (which will benefit the whole family financially). Just wouldn’t happen.

Men do this kind of employment all the time and nobody questions their parenting - in fact, it's often framed as a sacrifice they're making for their family and the wife and kids are expected to be extremely grateful.

Absolute bullshit. It might appear like that from the outside but many wives and children are resentful that their husbands and fathers prioritised money and career over family life. The old Hollywood trope of the business focused father missing out on the important stuff in their kids' lives (and ultimately realising the error of their ways when things go tits up) exists for a reason.

Can you imagine a man turning down a big promotion because his wife didn't like it and wanted him to be available for childcare? No, me neither.

With that reaction I'd seriously consider divorce. Congratulations op

I am actually getting the rage reading these comments picking you apart and you justifying yourself @Bigjob1234

YANBU at all and you must take the job. You will regret it and resent him if you don't. The misogyny here astounds me.

Well done on your achievement and congratulations!