AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

This is the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face! You’re going to stop your son, who doesn’t get many invitations, from going to a party, because you think he should also have been invited back to the house? Probably the Mum said her ds could choose 5 friends to come back and your son, along with the majority of the partygoers, wasn’t among them. You said yourself that they’re not that close. Kids have to navigate not being invited to things all through their school life. You won’t make it any easier for your ds by becoming so over-invested in his social life that you contemplate preventing him from accepting invitations he does get!

The best thing you can do is let him enjoy the party and if he appears at all put out by not going back to the house, you can discuss the possible reasons with him - birthday boy could only choose 5 children and ds isn’t best friends with him/birthday boy’s parents are good friends with the parents of the invited boys etc. etc. You can bolster his self-esteem by helping him re-frame any negative experiences rather than trying to prevent them happening, which will ultimately backfire imo.

You are in for one hell of a ride if you are fixating on this issue OP

It is very important your child grows up to be resilient, confident and knowing that he will not be invited to every social function throughout life because people are able to decide whom they invite.

He has been invited to the party, so should focus on that and be a fabulous guest.

I think it's sad that you're considering taking away the opportunity for your son to have fun, as well as hopefully form better friendships. The parents don't have to invite all the children back to their home, quite right too and it's ok for children not to be invited to everything.

If you are worried about him missing out on the games, then let that day be one of the days that you do allow gaming at home. By the time he's stuck in, he'll not give the others as much thought as he will be having the best end to a fun day.

I voted Yabu because I don’t see the logic in making him miss out on two things. He’s been invited to the main party, there could be any number of reasons why only a few are going back to the house after. Space, parents being friends, etc? If you have relatives coming then surely it’s better for you to be out at the party for less time so you can go back and see them?

I really don’t think pulling him out is in his best interests at all, it’s also very rude to the parents who will have paid for his place now probably. If he asks why he’s not going just have an answer prepared, you can even say he isn’t allowed to go because he needs to get back to spend time with his family.

@Notrainingbutpouring this is it, we wouldn't feel great with this as adults so why do we expect children to just accept it?

But I hear what people are saying and as hard as it is, this seems like a good opportunity to teach some resilience. I think talking to him in advance is a good idea as at least then he won't be surprised with the other boys being super excited by the gaming and pizza afternoon.

And to everyone who has mentioned this being down to parental friendships, this just isn't the case. There's one family they are close with but it's pretty equal with the others and us. And the parents are mostly taking their own kids to the party so it's not down to car space either.

Unfortunately we live in a very small town so there's not so much scope for friends outside of the school group. They all do beavers, football etc together so they're around each other a lot! But perhaps I'll look for something where there aren't others from his class...

I'm afraid it is the case. The video game thing is irrelevant. You can't go to everything you want to go to. If you want to "protect" your child from a normal part of life then whatever. Please don't make it super awkward for everyone by taking it up with the organiser though.

He won’t always be invited and he won’t always be liked. But it’s your job to teach him how to be ok with that. Trying to
protect him from it won’t do him good in the long run.

No one wants their child to hurt. We have to find a way to teach them it’s ok to hurt then teach them how to deal with it and move on.

Well there's your answer, after the party he gets to come home and relax playing video games for a couple of hours. Win win.
Also, a very breezy, don't forget we've got your cousins visiting this afternoon so be ready to go home when the party finishes. Cousins can then play video games with him. If there are no cousins then just change it to aunt and uncle.

Erm, adults do this all the time. Have you never heard of an evening guest at a wedding? Or pre-drinks with a friend before going out with a bigger group? Only last week I went to the pub after work with lots of colleagues then for dinner with two of them. Total normal

I agree keep it breezy. From how sensitive you're being about this I can imanage you plan to sit him down and have a big serious talk about how he shouldn't be upset that he's not been invited to the whole party (or similar), which will probably just upset him before he even gets there. Remember he's learning social skills all the time, including from you.

YABU Let your ds enjoy the party and explain not everyone can always be invited to everything. There is no need for jealousy, your ds might be asked another time. I suggest to go with the flow. Tell your ds it's a small get together at birthday boys house, maybe the families know each other. No need to turn it into a rejection story. If you show him now that not being invited does not mean he is not liked, he'll thank you later. Ask one of the other dc who's not going to the after party to have tea at yours, turn it into a playdate.

5/8 is MOST ARE
5/14 is MOST AREN'T
It's completely different. Clearly the ones going back are the kid's BEST friends because that is all they can fit in the house.

There are more kids not invited than invited. There is nothing wrong with this. You need to teach your son that he can't be involved in absolutely everything.

Absolutely. No need to make him miss one enjoyable activity because he’s not nvited to another one. It’s not clear who you think would be punished by not letting him attend the laser tag.

this is it, we wouldn't feel great with this as adults so why do we expect children to just accept it?

It’s a group of 5 from a group of 14 doing the extra thing. The majority are not going! To cite your example from earlier, if I went out for lunch with 14 others and then 5 of them went off for drinks that really, really wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a child to accept that either. I would have expected mine to be able to bounce back from that with a bit of careful framing from me.

As an aside, I loved and cared for my children very much but I didn’t try to shield them from the disappointments that inevitably come from normal life. Because I know from
personal experience that sometimes life gives you very hard, unexpected things to face that are out of your control (in my case a death of a parent as a teenager) and if you don’t have any personal resilience from the ups and downs of life those things are even harder to deal with. Thankfully my adult DC haven’t had to deal with anything similar but they have grown up to be very resilient and resourceful adults. I think a bit of that is down to us helping them to manage negative emotions and situations in a robust way.

Personally I wouldn’t sit him down and talk to him about the after party bit at all but be prepared to support him in seeing it’s fine if he brings it up. If he never brings it up he’ll go and have a lovely time at an activity then come home and spend time with relatives. If you preload the disappointment it may well tarnish the party for him. Im sure the parents of the party child will have told the child to be sensitive about dealing with those not invited to the after party and if not then they’ll have to deal with it too. You are seeing this like the birthday boy shouldn’t invite who he wants because one of the children has been unkind to your child. In the nicest way that’s not the way someone else’s party goes. Plus they’re 7 - by the time the party comes they’ll potentially all be friends again. If you really have an issue with one of the boys bullying your child then I presume you have spoken to school about this and it may well stop. The party could enable a better friendship to develop.

if your son does bring it up just say oh yes I’d heard he was having a few back but most people are heading home, they couldn’t have everyone to their house that’s why they picked the lazer party too so everyone could have fun. Then move on.

Interesting bullying behaviour amongst the group. I'd probably let him go but tell him he can't do anything afterwards cos we have family round. Just keep an eye on this group, sometimes bullies pull their victim into their group. It makes it easier to bully them....

We had this at a girls party one year where 8 were invited and 3 were asked to stay on for a sleepover.
They were about 8.
We didn't do sleepovers at that age and it didn't bother my daughter in the least.
It did upset a couple of girls and i know the other mothers were not impressed.
They all felt the two would have been better not connected.
I didn't comment but I felt for the two girls that felt upset.
There had been a lot of chat during the party about their excitement for the sleepover.
All rather unfortunate and could have avoided by doing it another time.

I hope OP he can plsy some viseo games with his cousins for a treat.

Nooo you can’t uninvite him! I would message the Mum along the lines of “I meant to say tell you with the invite that he is the only boy invited from the class, just so he knew it was all girls before accepting/declining the invite. So just checking he is still wanting to come”. You may get lucky and he pulls out. If he doesn’t, I’d be booking the best friend on and having a party of 11

@76evie wrong thread

blimey. this really isn't a resilience issue either. he's invited to something and not something else. that's it. your concern over this will rub off on your son and make it into an issue when it is not one.

take him to the do, collect him at the end, ask him if he had a nice time, go home, move on make no fuss, it's totally fine

He’s been invited to a party, but he’s not a close friend. It’s a shame news has leaked out but you are being ridiculous; this happens a lot and is going to happen again. Are you going to keep him home every time and deny him the party? It’s irrelevant he’d prefer the video games. He’s not invited to that but.

Im in a big group of friends where this does happen, especially before a big event where a smaller group will meet up before we all go to a gig/wedding/birthday party. It really doesn’t bother me; I get on well with everyone but I know who I’m closest to and I don’t need an invite to affirm friendships I’ve had for over a decade. If anything, I’m glad to stay out of the politics just comes with some invites!

You can’t be everyone’s best friend. It’s far better you teach your son to appreciate the friendships he has than that it’s all or nothing when it comes to friendship.

No, leave your son to enjoy the main party.

He is old enough to understand that sleep overs have fewer people due to space. He's old enough to know that the birthday boy has some friends who are best friends, and many more good friends like himself.

Reality teaches resilience.

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