AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

Your idea of not taking him because of relatives visiting could be changed to the reason he needs to leave promptly at the end of the party. You could say you're sorry he can't stay longer because there's a special treat at home with the family who are visiting. Announce this in earshot of the other kids at the beginning of the party and tell him in advance that you've said you need to leave by 5pm or whatever time fits.
This means he can go to the party but he can't stay for anything else. Why not offer to take home the boys not going to the after-party and make it a fun journey home. This might be an opportunity for them to make better friends.

If you don’t take him it’ll impact his friendship in the group going forward.
There is always a buzz having spent a weekend together at a party .
You’d be very cruel not to take him. Protecting his feelings isn’t always a priority idea, he may not care, might be tired after the party, you’re setting up a scenario that may not happen.
If he’s la cking confidence start him in the local football team, it’s good to have separate friends to school.

I think this is very bad form from the birthday boy’s parents. You just don’t have a 2 tier party as it makes it so obvious who are the select few favourites. My DS wanted to do this one year - to have 12 kids to a organised party then a sleepover with just a few & I refused. We separated the 2 plans so the party was on his birthday and the sleepover happened a few weeks later.

Not sure what I’d do in your shoes but withdrawing from the party does sound like a good idea with all the drama that seems to be going on.

It's a shame but he will need to learn at some point that you don't always get invited to things.

The problem with DD's group is that her top 2-3 constantly change, it's the same with all of then. They all get on but who is best friends with who seems to change every week. So if I invited XYZ for the sleepover a few weeks before, by time it came round her BFF's could be A,B and C

I think I will advise her to have a bigger gathering with more of them, and she can have 1to sleepover another time.

@Wingwalk I don't think that's the case. We don't allow a lot of video gaming at home but he loves it. Knowing a group of friends is doing an activity you love and you're excluded is going to be difficult to just brush off.

I think you’re being petulant, entitled and rude. You’re going to turn down some hospitality because others, in circumstances you don’t fully understand, are being offered more? Is it the child or you who’s 7?

But OP you cannot change what another parent has decided to do. I think the advice from @AnonymousLibrarian is the best, go to main party and then say he couldn't have stayed anyway due to family occasion

I wouldn’t let my child have a follow up party with a special group at that age but I would also not pull my dd out of going, that way doesn’t lead anywhere positive.

@Snowdrops99 I’d be really glad my ds wasn’t going to the after party if the bully was going.

At least the kids will have a nice organised activity to focus on and bond over at the main party.

The after party will just give the bully more time and freedom to be nasty and I’d be more than happy to give that a miss.

Who told you about the after party? Was it another parent? Maybe the children invited have to been told to keep stump, you are actually being very entitled, if there is 14 boys in the group, there is naturally going to be off branch closer friends, why should the mother invite 14 children back when she only wants 5. You are thinking about this through an adult brain, these children will need to be supervised they’re 7, yet you want her to invite everyone? Parents too? Or should she look after them all, It’s her child’s birthday. She’s been more than generous. There is at least 8 other children not going.

Omg do NOT raise your concerns with the mum. That would be awful and so cringey.

I would let him go to the laser tag, it will be a good bonding experience, and explain to him that not everyone could be invited back afterwards and you’ve got family coming anyway.

It was a really silly idea to not invite some children to the second half of the party. How to make kids feel unwanted. If you don't send him I wouldnt say anything re the arrangements. Just say sorry your DS can't make it.

But if you don’t send him to the main party, he’ll find out about it anyway and feel even more out of things. And that it’s his mum’s fault.

And that is one of lifes great lessons.

Its a bit like being 15 and really liking a boy, making it obvious how keen you are and then he chats up your best friend and asks her. Stings like a bee but thats his choice. Tough. Get over it, there will be others. Ditto applying for a job, thinking you are the best applicant and then not getting an offer.
Similar lesson for your ds. Hes been invited to one thing and not the other and thats ok. No biggie. There will be lots of other things he is also not invited to/not part of. And lots of things he is invited to.

This, your DS isn't one of three being left out. It's quite common for a few friends to go back afterwards in my experience, if the parents were to have all 14 kids and their parents at their house they'd be hosting another huge party.

I can see where you’re coming from - it would be considered rude and hurtful as adults so I’m not sure why we would expect children to be fine with it. Plus teaching a child resilience isn’t just letting bad things happen to them which a lot of posters seem to think, so I wouldn’t worry about that. I do think he will find out anyway so in some ways I might be more likely to talk him through it eg some families make choices that we wouldn’t and how to you feel about it, would you like to go (he might want to go to the laser part) and also may need space to say that while he’s excited about that part, he’s sad about not going to the second part and it’s okay to feel both. If he wanted to go, I’d support him and if he didn’t I wouldn’t feel bad declining.

It’s up to you to frame it appropriately so that he understands that being invited to the laser tag is a lovely thing and not being invited to the after party isn’t the end of the world. Children take their lead from their adults in these things and we can either use situations like this to build their resilience to disappointment or we can teach them that being disappointed is an emotion they shouldn’t have to cope with.

If this had happened with either of my two I’d have reminded them what fun they would have at the party and then when we get home we’re doing x,y,z. If they’d said they were sad that little Johnny was going to the birthday boy’s house but not them I’d have been quite brisk and said something like ‘Yes I know it’s a bit disappointing but he can invite whoever he likes to his house and that doesn’t always mean that everyone will be invited. When it’s your turn, you get to decide who comes back to the house. You’re going to have lots of fun at the party and then Grandma is coming over so we will have ice cream for tea…’. Or whatever!! Show him that a) it’s not the end of the world and b) that you have every confidence in his ability to deal with the disappointment. He will take all his cues from you.

You should not stop your son from going to the main party - he could have a lot of fun. If you are happy and positive when you pick him up - and whisk him away as soon as it ends - he probably won’t even be aware that others are going back to the birthday boy’s house.
If he does twig what’s happening then you should just explain that there was only room for a smaller group of people - and that you are looking forward to spending a lovely evening with your son at home. This will help him learn how to deal with disappointment.

Maybe it isn’t a second part of the party. Maybe it’s chill out time with a few Friends playing video games as they are young children, I’m sure the mother will be tired after the event, looking after 5 children is enough.
If OP doesn’t allow gaming often making her son want it more, she can give him some gaming time at home.

I learnt it’s better not to take these things personally as often things are not ill meant. I’m guessing larger group to laser tag and then either the parents know each other or the birthday boy was told to pick 5 friends to come over after. Not uncommon for kids to give 5 names today and a different list tomorrow. In my DD’s class, people either invited all the girls or maybe 8-10 as that seemed to be the requirement for certain types of parties. We just played it down, no big deal kinda thing and she was rarely bothered if she wasn’t invited to things. I really do think building resilience in the little things is key. Yes he may feel left out but the feeling will pass and there will be times he’s not left out. I understand the desire to save your child from any pain as I often feel that too but they have to experience the feelings to be able to deal with them and you will be with him to help. Re confidence building, one idea might be to join clubs etc with kids from outside of school so there’s more than one ‘pool’ of friends.

My guess is that this is (a) a product of the birthday parents needing to provide transport and childcare for some of the children to attend, (b) parents meeting up for a drink and a natter to decompress after the party, or (c) a complete figment of the birthday child’s imagination (mine often tell their friends about plans that are just in their heads!).

It’s fine though. Now is definitely the time to start learning that we don’t always get everything that someone else gets. A sleepover with one or two children after a big birthday party is quite typical as they get older. Definitely a good time to work on resilience.

You are projecting an adult interpretation onto a kids thing. There is nothing more likely to ruin a child socially than a parent doing this, kids don't have the subtext and can bounce right back, unless as adult is in their ear telling them how bad something is.

Every single day there will be someone he knows playing a video game, eating pizza or seeing a friend - everyone has a life they are just getting on with, not a single one is excluding him by doing so.

As for things you can do, does he have a close friend in the group not hanging about after? Maybe invite him back to yours to play games?

He absolutely should go to the party, the absolute max you should do is pick him up ten minutes early (due to family commitments) so he isn't the last to be collected and the others are stayingl.

14 kids for a party is manageable. 14 kids for a sleepover afterwards is not. It ia completely reasonable to limit it to sensible numbers. Stopping him going to the party is cutting off your nose to spite your face. He is old enough to understand.

I don’t think that’s really the question though, because the OP isn’t asking if she should do that (FWIW I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it either)

But @Snowdrops99 is considering having her son left out of the whole event just because there’s another part to it. I think that’s a mistake. By refusing the invitation she’s just increasing his social isolation, not improving the situation.Much better to model relaxed resilience, as others have said. How would it have felt if he hadn’t been invited at all? Yet that’s the effect of refusing the invitation.

Honestly it feels like projection to me. Let the lad to the laser tag party and then do something else nice with him afterwards - maybe even invite the other three boys back to your house after?