AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

I really don't understand why people think they'll be talking about anything except Lazer tag at Lazer tag! It's a running around high action activity - they don't stand around chatting about who is doing what afterwards during a game of Lazer tag, especially at the age of seven!

This confirms that plenty of primary school teachers are clueless about children's normal life outside school.

My cousin is a primary school teacher who somehow manages to teach a class of infants, and has done since before having her own child, but thinks she needs her husband to help her wrangle her only child (aged six, no special needs) through the morning routine and into the car.

Being a primary school teacher doesn't make you an expert on all things child, and your advice here is terrible (you're advising a parent to deliberately exclude her child from a party for fifteen he's been invited to because (along with the rest of the class and nine other children from the Lazer tag party) he's not invited to a party for five. Somehow you think this will make him less excluded by his peers).

Turning down a birthday invitation makes it less likely that child or group will invite him again - little Oliver didn't want to come last time so maybe invite little Jasper instead this year...

14 kids are invited to the party and only a few are then invited to the extended party. Your son isn't the only one, or even only 2 not invited.
Removing him from the laser tag will isolate him further. I assume the class size is roughly 29 so he has been chosen to attend part of it. I be wary of imprinting your views on him, hopefully he's not picked up on you thinking its not fair/an issue.
My son is 7 and this wouldn't phase me unless it was a close friend and he wasn't invited to the after party.

Let him go to the laser tag party!!! He will enjoy that as there's lots of children going and would be a shame about missing out.

Regarding the small after party, just don't make a big deal of it. Just talk about how lovely it was to be invited to the laser tag. He can't be invited to everything and as he gets older it will get worse as as they get older the parties get smaller and smaller. Let him learn resilience now whilst he has been invited to a party but not the smaller after party. If he mentions it just say that his parents couldn't fit more than 5 and blame it on them.

Adults DO get upset about this sort of thing all the time - when only invited to the party part of a wedding for example! It only doesn't hurt/offend when both parties are exactly on the same page about the relationship. Which is rare in 7 year olds!

I think it's good you're putting thought into this OP.

This is really sad. I remember primary school parties being really simple when I was a kid. You hired a community centre and played a few party games or you went to mcdonalds and in most cases either every kid or every kid of the same gender went. Now it seems to just be pettiness and meaness and exclusion for the sake of exclusion and we're all sat scratching our heads wondering why kids are growing up more antisocial, more unable to cope with basic social situations and more riddled with mental health difficulties.in a world where people are becoming increasingly more introspective and isolated we really need to kids to embrace their school as a community and this starts with the adults.

I dunno wha this means for you OP. If it was my 7YO I think I'd give him the choice without being overly dramatic about the 2nd party

It’s my opinion. On a forum for opinions lol.

YABU

Your son doesn't have to be invited to everything. Teach him to be positive about being invited to any of the activities at all.

I think it's really tacky, but par of the course for some parents.

Go.

IF DS hears about the after-party, you have the perfect excuse to save his self-esteem.

You can tell him that because you have relatives visiting, he’s not able to go. You don’t have to say he was never invited, just leave it implied that it was never on the cards because it didn’t suit you and the relatives. It means you and the relatives might look like the bad guys but you’re taking the hit so he doesn’t feel bad.

@Comeinsideforacupoftea yes exactly this!! I don't remember there being parties like this as a child, where part of the group were invited to an exclusive additional party and the rest of the kids knew about it but just ignored it. And there are countless Mumsnet threads on adults feeling left out / bothered by invitations or not being invited etc. It's definitely something that makes people think.

It’s highly likely, even if DS didn’t go to laser tag, that he would find out about the after party anyway. It will most likely be talked about out on Monday. He will know he wasn’t invited to it as his invite was just for the laser tag. By not taking him to the party you are not shielding him from this and he will feel just as hurt at not being invited. It’s not like you can keep him off of school till it it’s yesterdays news.

it may be better to just explain what is happening, without the dynamics, or about the bully. Then ask him if he still wants to attend.

Well yes I could potentially do this. But as a lot of people have said, isn't this a chance to teach him about resilience? If I make an excuse then am I just stepping in and being overprotective. Obviously this is what I'd probably prefer to do but it might not help long term?

Instead of withdrawing him from the first activity, how about you? OP play video games and eat pizza with your son back at home when you return?

@Snowdrops99

People talk a lot of nonsense about resilience. I’m a psychologist and parents are always going on about kids ‘learning a lesson’ without understanding that children don’t learn in the way these parents think they learn. If you’re interested look up the work of Piaget and also Bandura.

Resilience doesn’t come from primary carers putting children in adverse situations to get used to it, that’s as mash up of conditioning and exposure, which can be harmful if done without skill. Resilience comes from knowing that their primary carer ‘has their back’ and they have a consistent safe environment to come back to if they experience adverse experiences. Our job as parents is not to leave our children wide open to adverse experiences (there will be plenty of those in their life anyway) our job is to be the safe space that allows them to feel whatever happens in their life they’ll be okay. Sometimes that involves a bit of fantasy that the kid needs to hear to create that safe space.

Your version of the party (can’t go because of relatives) is the safe explanation he can exist in. Maybe he’ll be told differently by classmates and that’s okay because he can come back to you and your safe explanation that protects his self-esteem.

Children need emotionally safe spaces more than lessons or ‘a dose of reality.’

It is a perfectly reasonable arrangement.

But he was invited! He was invited to the main party. From the numbers many weren’t included at all. Why not focus on that? OP I think you’re projecting here. I have some really close mum friends at DS’s school. I can imagine doing laser tag and saying “afterwards why don’t you come back to mine for wine, as I’ll need it”. Then putting on some pizza for their kids later. I wouldn’t expect to now invite everyone back!

A few people have mentioned that the children will likely still be talking about the party/sleepover at school next week.

Supposing OP chooses to protect her son by lying to him telling him he can't go to the sleepover because his family are visiting, as some have suggested. Is that potentially putting him at risk of saying something embarrassing in front of his classmates i.e. mentioning that he couldn't come because grandma/grandad were staying when the birthday boy (and perhaps also his friends) would know full well that he wasn't actually invited...?

I do think you’re overthinking it a bit op. He’s got an invite to a party! He isn’t being excluded. Im glad to see that you’re going to take him because if you didn’t then you’d be the one making him left out. The relatives visiting is a good way to protect his feelings if you think he’ll be sad he’s not going to the after party, in all honesty though he probably won’t care. He’ll have had a good time by then anyway. Chill.

Withdrawing him 😂😂😂🤦‍♀️

Really? Is that the most constructive thing you can think? Nitpicking the way someone has written a post?

I would never arrange a party like this as it could leave some kids feeling upset they're not among the 'chosen ones'. Either have a big party or a small one, not both on the same day.
It changes friendships too, DS pulled back from a frinedship following a similar party, he wasn't upset, but he and the others who went home after the bigger party thought it was an odd thing to do.
I wouldn't pull out, he'll enjoy the main party, but maybe arrange for something fun to do with your relatives after the party so he's busy and distracted, and can say he couldn't go anyway if anyone says anything.

The reduced invite to play games afterwards might be a practical issue.

We only have six controllers for our games console, and I think that games like Just Dance and Mario Kart have a maximum number of players.

When my daughters invite friends round to play, we try to keep numbers in line with the number of children who can play together at the same time so no one is excluded.

Your DS will be guided by you and it feels like you are making way too much of this. You need to make sure you are not projecting your own issues/fears because you will set him up to be just as upset as you are.
Explaining to him that there is an 'after party' and he is not going seems unnecessary. Then it really IS an issue because you've made it one and he will expect to feel negatively about it.
He hasn't been excluded. He is still excited to go, I assume. Even if the boy he does not get along with is there. (it's not clear whether he's actually being bullied or whether there is a kid that's been a bit mean to him) Why not just concentrate of what you have on after the party. "now don't forget, xxx is visiting today so we need to leave straight after the party" Make that the next fun event of the day.

If he raises it "can I go to xxx instead?" "why aren't I going to xxx" , don't focus on those who ARE invited "You can't today, remember we're doing xxx with xx" "but everyone else is". "no, most of the kids are leaving as well"

Let it play out and deal with it if and when it becomes an actual problem

This sounds a bit OTT given we are just talking about a kid's party here!

The more fuss is made of this the more of an issue it becomes.
And is lying to a child to keep them "safe" the right option here?
He is able to go to the first party and he isn't invited to the next one - those are the truths here, why are you advocating making up that he can't go because of relatives etc?

Surely a sensible chat about the truth and how we handle situations like this is better than just shielding him from a fairly low key, mildly upsetting situation?

I know you are apparently a professional but this kind of thing is why we have so many children and young people now who seem unable to cope with any adverse situation that comes their way.