AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

The way you've described his behaviour does make it sound as though he's trying to prevent you losing weight.

Could he be worried you've got some ulterior motive for losing weight?

Could this be a control thing? Or does he just genuinely prefer you bigger?

I guess it depends on whether these are normal parts of your lives? I can understand he might not want to forgo chocs and meals out if he's used to them and enjoys them. It does feel a bit unsupportive though.

That sort of stuff has become a normal part of life over the years...I guess in no small part being a lot of the reason for me being the weight I am now.

I understand its a change for him but equally, if I carry on the same as I always have, nothing is going to change for me!

Yes, he's trying to sabotage your losing weight. He doesn't want you to lose weight.

What are you going to do about that?

I wouldn’t personally object to booking a meal for a date night as long as he doesn’t expect you to over eat and won’t whinge if you have a small dish or not finish your food.

Complaining about you wanting to be disciplined about what you’re eating isn’t on really. It shouldn’t affect him to any major extent. I’d be a bit disappointed that you can’t enjoy each other’s company without it revolving around food.

Easier said than done, but don't eat the chocolate; bin it. Go out to eat but have a salad and you can have a healthy takeaway. He'll soon get bored.

I'd say food has been a big part of us over the years...we've always enjoyed meals out, takeaways and things, finding nice restaurants on holiday. The issue is that he's sporty so he burns it off and it doesnt impact him.

This is really common and usually by family members. Mothers and sisters are often the worst offenders, ah go on, sure aren't you lovely etc. But sometimes partners too. You need to have a firm chat with him, if he loves you he needs to support you. You are entitled to be annoyed with him for buying you something you are not eating right now. I don't think its a control thing just a fear of change maybe. If many of the things you enjoy together involve food he might be afraid of losing this. He might have a perception of a person on a diet being miserable and hungry eating lettuce and not realise you can enjoy food while also getting healthier. Definitely a sit down no nonsense chat is needed.
Edited to add you shouldn't feel you can't go out for dinner, just order mindfully

Regift the chocolates; don't over indulge at the restaurant but remember watching what you eat doesn't mean not enjoying what you eat.

Maybe he's trying to sabotage, maybe he just doesn't see the relevance of changing ingrained patterns of behaviour yet. Keep doing what you're doing and I hope he comes round to supporting you.

Isn't it just that he misses the meals out and takeaways but can't really go out on his own or stuff a takeaway in front of you? I always hate it when DH is dieting because it impacts on me. I don't go out of my way to sabotage, I just really want a takeaway!

My ex would do this. Come home with giant takeaway pizzas despite knowing I was calorie counting and a single slice would blow my allowance.
What was even more gutting was I was losing weight hoping to conceive.
Ultimately, his actions didn't sit right, and we didn't last as more problematic behaviours cropped up.
This was years ago, we're now on speaking terms and I asked him about him, and he confirmed he was deliberately sabotaging my efforts as he hated seeing succeed in something, being so used to me living in his shadow for so long.

Yeah, I'm doing so much better without that idiot.

I genuinely think your H might have a similar rationale.

I do get that, but equally its not just a few pounds we're talking about that I need to lose at this stage, it's a real change I need

Apart from get bigger!

Is he worried you will look gorgeous and frightened you might get too much attention. That said do not let him sabourtage your dieting.

Be firm and tell him you fo not want the chocolates. He can have the take away but you will prepare your own meal. Dinner out, up to you. You can have a light meal.

Well yeah, exactly! My weight has been climbing pretty much since we met, and i know it'll just carry on otherwise

Does he suggest takeaways because of the ease and not having to cook, or is it because he wants to eat that particular kind of food? Is it for the kids as well? You could point out to him that takeaway twice a week is expensive and not particularly good for anyone’s health - you, him or the kids. I don’t know if he would get equalled annoyed at that response?! Even if he’s burning off the calories it will still be high salt and high fat, whilst being low in nutrients generally.

Yes it seems he doesn’t wish you to lose weight, he’s also being saying he loves your curves, would it not be logical he’s a thing for big women?

I'd bet my life that he doesn't want you to get thin because he thinks you'll run off with someone else as soon as you're thinner. So many men think like this it's ridiculous. You're going to have to tell him straight up that you won't be accepting chocolates and treats, you want to lose weight not to find another man, but because you want to feel better about yourself. His reaction should tell you all you need to know

It's just a me and him thing, not the kids

Let him carry on with his take-outs as you can’t expect overs to change their diet because you are choosing to. On these nights, you’ll need to prepare something tasty / healthy and low calorie. As for the chocolates, again if they are just meant to be for you, say thanks and pop them in the bin.

Stick to what you need to do and let everyone else do what they usually do. I don’t think he’s trying to sabotage but he’s just not taking it seriously. Show him you’re serious by doing not telling.

I do think thats the case. I was fairly slim when we met, but with all the weight i've put on, there's never been any harking back from him to those days when I was slim.

How much weight would you like to lose?

The last time I went on a diet I lost twice my bodyweight of useless gristle.

The takeaway thing sounds similar to how it was with me and my DP before I changed my eating habits. I started saying no to takeaway but making it clear he could have one if he wanted. He would do that more often than not, it took a fair while before he stopped asked me if I definitely didn’t want anything or offering me some of what he’d ordered.

Eventually he started ordering fewer takeaways. He never got cross with me about it though or offended at me saying no.

@jessl30 , have you sat him down and explained just how important this weight loss is to you and why? Have you asked him how he feels about you losing weight and why? Have you asked for his support and explained what you need from him?
If he has worries you can reassure him, for instance you could agree to a meal out once a month once you have lost say half a stone. You could explain that you don’t mind him eating treats but would appreciate him not bringing your favourite treats home. You can tell him too that no matter how stunning you become, he is the one you love and want.
Good luck with your weight loss journey.

I'm currently calorie counting and there's no way DH would do any of the things you have talked about. He's even eating my lower calorie dinners every day with me so we all eat the same. Him and DS18 just eat a bigger portion and add extras at the table. I can't understand why your DH isn't supporting you.