AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

If your DH says again that you are "just curvy" or anything similar I would tell him straight that being morbidly obese is not "just curvy" it's a serious health risk. Your BMI is over 40 - I've been there myself for most of my adult life so I really do know what it's like to feel the way you have described on this thread. I don't think he appreciates at all how hard it is to get up and carry on with daily life when carrying the extra weight.

I think you can still enjoy eating out. Depends how you dieting, but in pub or restaurant have salmon instead of burger, for curry get the dry one and skip the sauce. You can have “normal” food and enjoy eating out.

My DH struggled with weight for a long time, and it wasn’t so much about how he looks but his health.. he got someone to do diet/exercise plan for him. The stuff he was given to read had loads of dishes and ideas whah to cook that was “normal”. For him it was a big thing to be able to enjoy going out and not having to eat salads every day.

Honestly could not agree more. You learn to get used to it but its exhausting and things like holidays really show it.

I also can't stand how I look, the holiday pictures were just awful. I told him how i feel and got a "you're just being down on yourself and worrying about nothing"

So I suppose for him, changing this part of your life is a big change for him.

Being generous to him, he may not be able to find the right way to respond to what you were saying about how you felt on the holiday, it sounds like he's lacking somewhat in emotional literacy. He probably realises he shouldn't say anything like "you're right you do look awful in the holiday photos" and wants to say something supportive and reassuring, but doesn't realise that it sounds like he's minimising and being dismissive.

A better response might have been "I can see how upset it's made you, what can I do to help or make changes?"

Yeah i do get that and I know I sound like i'm probably just bashing him constantly, but the whole situation is just frustrating. I'm convinced he doesn't want me to lose weight

No it doesn’t sound like he does. Trust your gut here.

so you need to get to the nottom of that. Why does he want you to stay unhealthy and unhappy. It is clearly to meet a selfish need of his own

does he have a sexual thing for big women, how’s your sex life? Clearly without detail, but he as enthusiastic now as ever?

is he a feeder to keep you at that weight or make you get even bigger.

when he eyes up other women, what is their body type, is it slim, or does he eye up obese women?

is he insecure, does he worry maybe if you got slim other men would fancy you, and you’d leave?

is he manipulative, does he like having you uncomfortable, unhappy. Maybe thinking in his head no other men would want you which makes him the hero?

at 18 stone, it’s a lot of weight, likely morbid obesity, that’s not curvy, so to be buying someone in that weight class food and downplaying it, pretending its curvy, is a clear sign something is very wrong, and its about a selfish need of his.

Obviously hard to answer some of that because I don't know exactly whats going on in his head, but the bits I probably can...

Our sex life is still pretty good, he's definitely as enthusiastic as ever and wants it regularly.

I'd say when he comments on other women positively (celebs or generally) it definitely leans towards the bigger side. I remember a conversation with him once about Scarlet Moffat after she'd lost weight where he was going on about how she looked so much better before and couldnt understand why she'd lost weight.

As for insecurities, i'd say there probably is some of that. I was always told when i was younger and slimmer how pretty I am etc (I really really don't mean that to sound big headed I promise) and I still get comments about my looks (off friends etc, but I did get a nice compliment off one of the bar staff on holiday that I'd been chatting to)

Hope that all makes sense!

I'm mixing you with someone I know. She describes herself as 'curvy'.

(I'm projecting. Attractive couple - bloke really fit, wife very pretty, intelligent and lovely. 2 kids about 3 yrs older than yours. She works part-time in an office, his job more outdoorsy.
A mutual friend once asked me in a confidential way 'Don't you think there's something a bit weird about Joe being fitness-mad (tri-athlete) and Emma being so fat?' I tried to be diplomatic, but yes it had crossed my mind.
Sorry, if I seem harsh. )

Takeaways are lethal. The portions are 'generous', the food tasty and calorific, usually eaten late in the day in front of the telly.
I rarely eat them and I know that if I had them a few times a week, the weight would pile on.

I think your best bet is to see the GP, get her to tell you you need to lose weight sensibly and slowly and to relay this info back to your DH.

'Dr Malik said I was morbidly obese and it could cause diabetes or cancer. She said I need to lose 7.5 stones to be at a healthy weight.'
If he says 'But you;re fine as you are, you look lovely. You don't want to be skinny. '

Say 'I won't look skinny, I'll look healthy, I'm carrying extra weight that's more weight than both Jake and Ella, and I'm carrying it all the time '
I want to be healthy, Joe, I want to be healthy for me, you and them, Surely, you see that'

(If he says 'Men don't like planks, they like something to hold on to', you need a new patio ASAP. )

if you are advised by your GP to use WLI, then follow medical advice.

Was/is his mum plump?

Thank you, I really like this advice. A trip to the GP probably is the best way forward now I think.

His mum is slim.

I assume you thought there was something going on with your friends where he was fattening her up?

Oh dear, and Yeah it makes sense, and please don’t worry about sounding big headed, Christ we should be able to say if we are attractive or not and not fear a beating from other women.

so I’d say he’s got a thing for big women, and he’s insecure. That’s difficult for you. Becaude he’s not going to change his mind, snd start fancying healthy weight women. I mean Scarlett Moffat was morbidly obese, so I’d say yup that’s his bag.

how do you feel about thar?

I think maybe he had a thing about very overweight women or maybe he was punching above his weight with her, so having her heavier might keep her in her place.
(The mutual friend isn't an arse and I never divulge secrets - have used pseudonyms)

I was thinking of my cousin - grafter, would work all day long if he could like his dad did but is wife is a SAHM and on WLI, and they're replicas of his parents.

Sorry but you know how it is, you say something positive about your looks and people think you're big headed! But yeah I would say I am quite pretty, and make an effort with hair, make-up, nails etc.

I don't know how to feel about it really. He's my husband and i love him and i love that he finds me attractive, but it is a big issue...I can't carry on being unhealthy and looking the way I do just because he likes how I look.

See I’ve the oppposite, my friend is very skinny, she’s an eating disorder, she’s lower end of a healthy weight. So not under weight. But very thin looking.Her husband has thing for very slim women. So he’s weirdly all good with it. I guess similar to you and your husband op, where he knows it’s unhealthy but he likes the results of it.

their son likes big women, he just got married, his wife is gorgeous but a good size 18-20. His parents can’t wrap their head round it. The dad says things like “she’s huge and according to Johnny that’s a good thing” with a bemused expression. The mum keeps looking af pics of her and saying “she’s so big, I don’t understand it” shaking her head. Whereas I sit there and go oh cmon, shut up, she’s gorgeous. Seriously she is, one of the prettiest women I’ve seen.

i often hear the son say to his partner. Have you eaten, you’ve not eaten much, have some more, He encourages her to eat, it sounds like kindness, or caring, but now I’m thinking about it, maybe it’s not. A couple of times I’ve watched on quizzically as she’s clearly been annoyed,and doesn’t want to eat more.

so yeah the complete opposite to his parents, he has a poor relationship with his mother and I often wonder if that’s what’s behind it, where he simply doesn’t want anyone who reminds him of her. And doesn’t want that fucked up attirude to food in his home.

I googled Scarlett Moffatt because I remember her as being bubbly pretty and plump, and was expecting to see a twig with an ozempic face.
She looks a lot better slim.

@Backawayfromthesausage , there is something weird going on there.

Any partner who doesn’t help their partner to live their best life is not a good partner.

One who actively jeopardises this, is a bad partner.

I don’t know where OP’s partner sits between these extremes, but she is right to be concerned.

Yes i think the same, she was definitely a big girl at her biggest before she lost the weight

Do you remember Twinkle in Dinnerladies?

People get treated better if they're not obese. My dad was a 'big' bloke and he said it affected how hospital staff treated him.

Having said that, I used to have a boss who was huge. She was scary. I'm sure the sheer size of her scared people into thinking she was good at her job.

Yes she was, pretty but very unhealthy looking. The fact he finds that look more attractive tells you everything you need to know. The fact he’s just as enthusiastic in bed. I’ve been obese and as you know, most people do not find obese bodies attractive, a healthy weight is what’s considered physically attractive by most as it is a sign of reproductive health and fertility , and then you get a small minority either side who get off on fat or prominent bones.

it becomes an issue where someone tries to proactively keep their partner unhealthy because they get off on it. That’s not love. That’s abuse.

Some men like to keep their wives overweight as a form of control, assuming that no man will then look at them and they won’t stray. If it’s that, it’s abuse.
You need to have a frank talk with him.

I think first of all you need to detach your husband's wants from your needs.
It's not up to your husband to dictate or give you permission in the loosest sense of the word in any life choice.
So I'd say personally say there is no conversation to be had as this isn't a choice.
Chocolates- don't eat the whole box one or two are fine , quietly leave them, don't acknowledge.
Takeaways once a couple of months dont hurt twice a week's a no.
The best thing I did was get a nutritionist to plan a calorie and macros plan for me and then I joined a gym.best thing I ever did and actually got my periods back. Before I was pregnant I'd go to the gym 3x a week and try and walk half an hour a day.
I have my ups and downs but this keeps me consistent. Months of consistency helped me loose 2 stone. You don't have to go to the gym but find an exercise you enjoy . It helps when it's dark cold and you want to go home after work and sit under blanket with a cuppa and a cake.

Eating outs fine. Just don't go bonkers steak salad/veg and potatoes is fine .
A full portion of curry ( in one of those silver bowls) with rice, chips and naan .no
Pudding doesn't have to be a thing.
Cut booze for a bit that's massive in calories.
If this isnt something you can stick to long-term no shame in the jabs it's a medicine and it helps people. Good luck op. I just hope you take from our posts that really it doesn't matter what your husband likes .you have to look after your self for you and your kids x

@Chillyegg , Chocolates- don't eat the whole box one or two are fine , quietly leave them, don't acknowledge.
Eating outs fine. Just don't go bonkers steak salad/veg and potatoes is fine .
Are you for real?

It's how I lost weight, no one can sustain years of drastic dieting , severe calorie counting and self restriction. It will end in a binge. Any PT or coach I've had that's worth there salt will say small treats occasionally are fine.

I had a gastric bypass 6 years ago, I’m lucky that my husband loved and wanted me both big and small and he not only supported my journey, he did the pre op diet with me (and lost almost 2st in 2 weeks!). I’m a size 10 from a size 24.

I'm a part of a few support groups and I see this every day, normally caused by men who are insecure and think that if their wife loses weight, they won’t want them/will cheat on them (which does happen, a lot of big women settle and Put up with a lot because they feel that they can’t do better… but then they gain confidence and start socialising and they see that the grass is greener).

Speak to your husband, explain that you are doing this for not only yourself, but your family. You want to live long enough to see the kids grow up/celebrate old age etc. you want to feel fit and get healthy and no matter how big or small you are, you’ll still love and fancy him. I believe that Men are (generally) simple beings and they don’t like change, especially if that change will affect their lives and quite often weight loss can be a massive change in your lives, I definitely spend more time with my husband as I now leave the house more and want to do things with him.

I still eat out even with a tiny stomach, I just have a starter and maybe a side of veg but if I do eat pizza and chips, I just make up for it with better choices the rest of the week. One ‘bad’ meal won’t affect your weight loss unless you find it hard to stop at one meal (before my bypass I could diet, but the moment I cheated I went on a 5 month long binge and put on more than I lost. Thankfully I’m now able to just have 1 packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate will last 3 days!

good luck. 🤞

Some very good points made on this thread and I think you should take all of them into account.

For me, what I have noticed is that a lot of relationships are built mainly around one thing. Frequently, it seems to be food. If your thing to do together is always going out for meals, ordering takeaways, sitting watching a film and eating snacks, then perhaps he is worried that if you lose weight and start just eating healthy, you won't be able to do those things together anymore, the things he may think makes you a couple, and is thus worried and trying to sabotage. Because he knows that if he doesn't do it as well, he is left wanting to carry on as normal, resuming these eating habits and activities and you won't want to. Him being offended about the meal thing is very telling in this regard.

Adding onto that, he may think, as PPs suggested, that if you lose weight you won't fancy him anymore and will leave him; or you're only trying to lose weight because you're interested in somebody else. Very common occurrence to happen, and for him to think that, even if it isn't the case.

As such, he tries to sabotage your healthy eating as he wants his life to remain as is and how he likes it.

What I would do is reassure him of his worries; that you're not losing weight for someone else, you're not going to leave him, and you can still go out for meals / have takeaways just not all the time and not while you're in the early stages of your weight loss journey. If he loves you, truly, he should support that, as it is about your health, not just the aesthetics, and him loving your curves comes second to your health. That is not the priority.

My final thought would be, does he worry he wouldn't be attracted to you if you were slimmer? Does he have a thing for bigger women? No reason not to prioritise your health, but again, one to consider.