AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

@Chillyegg , if it were that easy don't you think OP might have done it already?

I don't need to lose weight and I can leave half a takeaway for leftovers the next day but I am not one for eating large meals in the evening and neither is DP.
The chocolates would be fine, DP would polish them off. (He's tall, naturally lean and active)

I'd not be with a DH urging me to eat.

OP has 7 stones to lose and a DH who seems to be sabotaging her efforts.

If anyone thinks I'm some sort of a saint with food, trust me I'm not. I do eat emotionally and I can't be alone with something like a packet of biscuits or chocolates when that happens.
Otherwise, I love salad and veg and don't like pasta, pastry, bread or fried food.
I eat as much as I like but you don't put on weight eating plateful of leaves.

I would definitely recommend the GP and mounjaro, even if you have to pay for it and your hysband wouldn'tlike it. I'm afraid your husband sounds controlling and is trying to sabotage your efforts to lose weight. This is your body, your health and his perverse desire to keep you unhealthy (and possibly unattractive to other men) is deeply suspect. Good luck with the weight loss, it is life changing - in a good way

@HughManityquite frankly untill my nutritionist told me this I didn't know this . I thought I should be deep in the lettuce leaves and kale juices. Which wasn't sustainable and I'd mostly end up up eating shit. Then I'd beat myself up (metaphorically) and feel like crap, get back on it and then loose will power or emotionally eat. It is incredibly hard.

However untill someone gave me permission to be like it's ok to have a small treat now and then and if you go over on your calories one day, not fall down a massive slippery sloap of fuck it, I had a chocolate so I may aswell have to full dairy milk box .

Maybe the op does know this. Maybe they don't . I don't know . But I didn't and having someone take away the massive emotional onus on eating was a game changer for me.
Better to slowly loose weight and stick with it than to fast, crash and then binge. I gained weight like op, life and actually COVID was a kicker because I was sat in and it took me a while but I got down to a 10 / 12 and have sustained that, and that's what I'm happy with . I
I'm aware this may all sound obvious to you but to some of us it isn't.

Of course it's not simple . And I'm not saying it's ok what her husband is doing. I actually said she shouldn't seek his approval in this . My point is to try and do this for her , I have no suggestions with how to deal with the dh. I just know what worked for me.

Do you think he’s actively tried to get you to gain weight?

My DH equates food with love. He had to throw out chocolate that was out of date that he'd bought me. He's stopped buying it. It's the same with the takeaways. I don't think he's deliberately trying to sabotage my diet, honestly, as he's very supportive when he remembers. I've just had to start being firm about not wanting to grab McDonald's or KFC and that I'd rather just cook something tasty at home. He makes the best fakeaway KFC in the air fryer and when he had KFC recently he suddenly found it disgusting himself.

You have to be quite strong and firm and hopefully he'll start remembering and that also he can love you without being a feeder. I still drink way too many cups of tea 😂

Just to show the other side of it, dh has started losing weight and our house is now pretty much junk free, there’s too much talk about weight loss, and on his birthday he told the kids we couldn’t have too much crap and went on about sugar. There’s two sides to every story and there’s a chance your diet is making him crave the nights in with junk ye used to have!!!

Thank you, and well done on your weight loss!!

Thank you, thats really helpful. To me it feels like theyre probably is a big element of him liking bigger women and that question of whether he'd fancy me as much

Honestly the way I feel at the moment, I'm questioning everything. It's the way he's so over the top when i've asked him about it, telling me I'm worrying about nothing etc, it feels very defensive when I think about it.

Maybe he is tired of hearing about your weight, it does get tiresome when people become the thing they obess about

maybe you dont do this but people never seem to admit this when they do everyone else is always to blame

@jessl30 , ignore her. She's victim-blaming you.

Er, he wants you to stay bigger as a way of control? If you lose weight you might run off with another fella/get all the attention?

Which from the sounds of it, he loves the attention of being the slim/fit one??

From what you've said op you're definitely entering a dangerously heavy weight... For your health you need to do something about it. Boxes of chocolate isn't a gesture from a guy who is encouraging you in your weight loss journey

This

Yeah if he is sexually attracted to large women he would know that, and he’d have known it when he got with you, which made me wonder if he’s always tried to get you to be bigger.

and I’m using soft words, Scarlett Moffat was very obese, and your weight is a health concern, he must know this, but it appears that’s what he is sexually attracted to,

some men who have this sexual urge don’t date women who are larger, simply as they fear what their friends and family will say, but if you can find one with a propensity to gain weight and put a lifestyle in where she does, then you get your wish, I note he’s not gained rhe same. So it’s not mutual lifestyle creep

Honestly, your husband isn't stupid. He must know that you are at a very unhealthy weight that could have an extremely negative impact on your health.

It's obviously got past the stage where you can claim that he is just being loving and supportive. There is some ulterior motive for him discouraging you from losing weight. It may be that he thinks that he will be affected if you start making healthier meals and stop eating takeaways. It could also be that he is attracted to very overweight women. He could also be one of those insecure men that don't want their wives to lose weight in case other men are attracted to them.

Whatever his reasons, you need to do what's best for you and that is losing weight. You should speak to your GP about the best way to do this, whether it is calorie counting or WLIs. If WLIs are prescribed by your doctor, he can't tell you that you shouldn't be using them.

Speak to any WW or SW leader, they will tell you this is quite common. Is he on the chubby side himself? He may feel insecure if you become slimmer/more attractive. Stick to your guns, for your health's sake, and donate any chocolates etc unopened to the food bank.

DH does it to me sometimes as he does a lot of the cooking now, I started a keto diet a few months ago and it quickly morphed into what he calls "keto plus".

That is keto plus carbs. 😕

Wegovey tablets have been approved and online pharmacies are taking pre-orderes. Doesnt help with the husband problem, but if youve got the ability to spend money out of his line of sight, it could make weight loss much easier for you and be able to be taken discreetly.

He sounds pretty awful though.

Thank you everyone. Tbh i've seriously been fretting and stewing over this now since last night. Maybe i'm naive and didn't want to think the worst about him, but the more I think about things and think back to specific incidents over the last few years, the more i'm beginning to think this is all deliberate.

It just feels like a pattern of encouraging me to eat more than I should, and all the wrong things, and now i've decided to try and tackle it, it's just trying to stop me.

I really don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.
Reclaim your autonomy over your body.

Go to see the GP and see if you can get good advice regarding your health and weight.

Honestly the way I feel at the moment, I'm questioning everything. It's the way he's so over the top when i've asked him about it, telling me I'm worrying about nothing etc, it feels very defensive when I think about it.
He's dismissing your feelings.

Could you find a quiet place where you get a clear head, and sit with pen and paper (or a laptop) and write a letter to him.

Points:
You are not happy in your body.
Your weight is tiring you and putting your health at risk.
He is, possibly from a place of love or maliciously, sabotaging your attempts to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
Any attempts at discussion results in him minimising your concerns.
His lack of support is highly likely to result in resentment and that resentment will destroy your marriage.
You want to see your children grow up, maybe be grandparents one day, together, why can't he want that for you.

(pick your own, they're just suggestions)

If you can't talk to him, which I would do while out walking or in a not across the table way - easier to be open when not face to face - you could give him the letter, or talk in the present of a mediator.
(use the letter as an aide memoir)

As things are, you're going to get the ick aren't you.

Good luck.

I’m sorry but I can’t remember whether you are getting counselling - if not, this would be my first step.

With regard to food, can you simply refuse all the ‘treats’ and takeaways he brings, and prepare healthy meals for yourself at all times?

See your GP with a view to getting WLI. Don’t hide it from him - make it clear that you NEED to do this and you ARE doing it.

Maybe keep a diary of his reactions so he can’t get inside your head and try and confuse you in an effort to weaken your resolve.

Lastly, I can’t remember whether you work. If not, I’d plan towards finding employment and become financially independent - so you’d have better options if you ever felt that this marriage is no longer good for you.

You do know what to do, you’re an adult with personal choice and responsibility

firsrly speak to him, explain this is what it feels like. And tell him your weight is now a health issue, both physical and mental, as you’re also unhappy, that you’re going to lose the weight and wish his support, as if feels like he wants you unwell for sexual gratification, he will deny it of course.

then decide how you’re losing it, diet, or diet and the meds, visit your gp, they won’t prescribe but you can always say they recommended,

and then get on with it, if you wish to lose weight , only you can do this, his issues are seperate

You are responsible for you

I really do think that you should be concerned tbh. It’s one thing to love you whether you are big or small but he’s actively encouraging you to harm yourself. It must be confusing because on the one hand it feels very loving “you are beautiful as you are, you aren’t fat you are just curvy, I fancy you as you are etc”. He sounds like he’s very attracted to you at this weight. On the other hand he’s trying to discourage you from being and feeling well. I can’t imagine encouraging Dh to do something that could shorten his life or hurt him just because I liked the way it made him look.

The problem with feeders is that they often actively enjoy watching a woman gain weight, even if it’s to the detriment of her health. I don’t like saying this, but really think about whether he seems turned on by watching you eat etc. there is a forum on reddit called plusized dating or something like that and often these women bump into feeders etc. you may want to read some of the stuff on there and see if it sounds familiar. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man being attracted to bigger women but theres a difference between appreciating her appearance her and objectifying her for your own gratification.