AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

Thanks everyone just catching up, some really good advice.

On DH...I do think he is a good husband and dad and loves me, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't have concerns about how he views my weight issue. I was quite slim when we met and now i'm obviously a lot bigger. Its great that he loves me no matter what my size but I do find it weird that he doesn't seem at all bothered by the change in me and the weight I am now.

The fact he's always calling me 'curvy' (or when we've talked about this i'm "only curvy") really bothers me too, it just feels like a way of downplaying it all the time

Without knowing your exact weight, you’re likely to be BMI high 30s, or into the 40s which is morbidly obese. It’s not a question of being “only curvy”, it’s a serious health issue that I’m surprised he’s not able to recognise.

This, when food is a part of your social interaction with your partner, a change for them becomes a big change for both of you and it's hard to get your head around, especially if you don't need the change yourself.

He's not sabotaging you on purpose, he's just doing what you've always done.

Completely different. You have to accept this is a difficult habit change for him too.

I totally agree. The holiday tipped me over 18 stone, which I don't think can be considered "just curvy" in any way

Just to add, I hope that reframing it to be about health rather than size/weight might get through to him.

You could make a GP appointment as others have mentioned. They won't be able to prescribe Mounjaro as you don't qualify (BMI over 40 and 4 out of 5 specific serious weight related health conditions) assuming you are in England, but they could refer you to Tier 2 or maybe Tier 3 weight management programmes which might offer apps to support weight loss, group chat, maybe free membership at a gym and then eventually dietician support and later the possibility of bariatric surgery. There can be waiting lists to access the weight management programmes but you can at least be referred. That might help your DH realise what's going on.

I've had this in a past relationship and I think it's definitely sabotage, because the person is scared they wont have the routine of, or excuse to, eat unhealthy all the time.

In my case it happened a few times that right after I mentioned I was going a diet, the next few days he would order pizza for dinner, want multiple take aways, bring home ice cream and make bacon and eggs for breakfast. Whereas our normal diet didn't even include that much junk, we would have normally just had a take away once a week and didn't usually eat a big breakfast.

Put on date night a month on the calendar and the rest of the time to your plan and what you want. He gets a relaxed day/evening with you ...and that leaves you responsible for your own eating. Resist pressure from him/others to do/eat what you don't want to. 😀

Surely, you can have a date night without bingeing? I don’t drink alcohol and I eat relatively small portions compared to most people due to health issues and my appetite (I have cancer). I still have meals out with my husband. I still plan big BBQs. I also eat chocolate (though one will do me). You can have a date night and drink a Diet Coke and eat a healthy high protein meal. My guess is, he really likes this stuff and feels a bit weird enjoying it on his own, and is one of those, oh go on, you can have just one! sort of people. Just say no and enjoy your time together. He can order a takeaway and you can make yourself a stir fry.

It sounds unhealthy and very expensive even if he is burning off the calories, for both of you. I'm assuming you have a high disposable income so there's less incentive to save.

Not being able to run 25 metres is really quite worrying IMO and you are absolutely right to be doing something about it - well done.

You do you - find other ways to have date nights that aren't just about food.

Just to be clear, its not about the date night in isolation that bothers me, its that couple with all the other stuff and lack of encouragement

The whole thing with weight loss is that another person cannot really make you fat

so he buys your favourite chocolate? Does not mean you have to eat them all in one go

so he wants takeaway? well maybe you don’t’t, he can eat the great junk and you make yourself something more nourishing

so you go and eat out? you do not have to eat the highly calorific options

he may prefer you not to lose weight (he might feel it puts pressure on him to also look his best. That is a thing! My husband has told me before that me getting into shape made him feel like a fat unfit guy)

anyway, let him do his thing whilst you quietly do your own thing. it is in your hands

if you want to eat healthy you can. If you want to eat out you can . If you want to choose a healthy option whilst eating out you can

My dh does this and I go mad. He’s also prone to gaining weight so I just tell him he’ll be getting no support from me! He’s a very competitive person and I think that comes into play in his case.

Why do you need encouragement you are not a toddler or a puppy

OP, it might be a better idea to actually show your husband how you actually feel carrying all that extra weight?

Get 7-8 stone in potatoes and actually attach them to DH's body (tie them on with sheets/towels etc), so on his stomach, thighs, calves, arms etc. Then tell him to try to play with the kids, walk upstairs, do the hoovering etc.

Slim people simply don't 'get it'. No-one can really 'imagine' what it feels like to carry that weight, so he needs to actually experience it for himself.
Try to make him carry it for the whole day, even place a bet with the kids that Dad can't do it, so he can actually appreciate how it actually affects you every, singe, day.

Once he sees how hard life actually is for you daily, how even the most mundane of tasks e.g getting dressed or playing with the kids is much, much harder for overweight people, I think he'd be a lot more supportive of you losing weight.

JFC are partners and husbands not meant to be at all supportive? What is with this acting like they are just flatmates who happen to live in the same house business all about?

And, I think a neutral response would be ok, but that's not what the DH is doing, he is actively and vocally offended and suggested that it would not be possible to enjoy a date night if the OP changes what she eats.

Yeah, why would someone want encouragement from their partner to help them do something important 🙄

Thanks for this, theres so much truth in it. You just get on with things and deal with it, but it's got to a point now where it just impacts so much.

That was probably exacerbated on holiday with the heat and having to do more.

I'm at the same point, so I really do understand how you feel.

I'm at the heaviest I've ever been, but I still remember clearly how 'light' and 'easy' exercise used to be for me before I began to gain weight. I really never gave a thought to what I ate etc as it didn't affect me?

I gained insight when I was pregnant, but forgot it quickly once the baby was born and I naturally lost my baby weight.

Your DH needs to see how it actually feels to carry the extra weight around before he'll gain the insight?

If he loves physical fitness stuff have you thought about going to the gym, or out for a run or whatever together? Itd massively help your fat loss goals, you'd get that feeling of being together (maybe the comfort of takeouts and so on together is a lovely feeling for him)? And then saying you'd enjoy a cheat meal once a week together on a saturday night or whatever.

I'm not excusing his sabotaging though. But this might offer a win win. Make it clear you need him to be supportive as regardless od how much he loves you at any weight, you dont love you at this weight, and thats ultimately all thats important.

This is brilliant! In fact everyone who has ever criticised anyone overweight should do this and realise that even with this constant difficulty, it is so hard to lose the weight, for so many complex reasons.

You may need to try a form of grey rock for this and just do you…although it does mean a lot more willpower. So thank him for the treats, but don’t eat them. Let him get the takeaways, just don’t order anything for yourself (or look up the calories and have something that fits in with your plan), go for the meal but have zero calorie drinks and look at the menu in advance, work out what you can order for the calories you have left for that day and don’t be persuaded to deviate from it. It will be harder, but you can do hard things. After the first few weeks of calorie deficit I stop feeling hungry and it makes it easier to continue (I realise food noise is different for everyone). Good luck.

I was going to say that the extra weight OP is carrying around is probably the weight of her children combined. (based on uk average)

Losing weight is quite often harder for women (particularly when you're not tall) because takeaway and restaurant meals are way bigger than what you should actually be consuming but your body then gets used to having that much food so it makes it very hard to lose. Your DH won't be as badly affected because he's a man, they need more calories anyway plus he's burning them off with sport.

I'd like to think he's not deliberately sabotaging your efforts, maybe ask him if he can just get you chocolate once a fortnight and make takeaways a monthly treat? And tell him that no matter what he eats, you will be sticking to that.

I'd guessed you'd be about 17-18 stone from what you'd said, @jessl30 , and you might be 'curvy' or a 'bigger girl', but the truth your weight is affecting your health and self-esteem.

The 'you don't need to be skinny' is typical of someone who wants to keep you where you are - not necessarily deliberately.

You won't be 'skinny' at 10 or 11 stone, you'll be a suitable weight for your height.

You'll be knackered because you are effectively carrying the equivalent of your two kids' combined weight around all the time.

Yeah its when you think of it in those terms it really hits home.

And just to be clear, i don't refer to myself as "curvy", its DH who does that