AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

Well done you!!

Oh, women!

We’re upset if they hint that we put on weight and upset if they tell us that they love us just the way we are.

Here’s a man who brings home treats, tells you that he loves you the way you are, and suggests take-aways and meals out instead of expecting you to cook...

I can see why men may think we’re never happy

He might be being selfish - in that he likes 'curvy' women and he wants you to stay that way regardless of how it makes you feel.

But, it may also be that from his point of view, life is comfortable - he's got his home and kids, and a gorgeous wife that he loves - and so sees through rose tinted glasses. And he doesn't want his comfortable life to change in any way when it's for no reason (as far as he can see). And changing his food habits will be uncomfortable - our brains become addicted to sugars and fats.

We don't know your OH so we have no idea what his motives and thoughts are.

Previous suggestions to talk to him about how this is impacting you, and how it's harmful to your long term physical and mental health seem like a good way to go. Also talk about the potential impacts on your kids - now and in future (eg. not being able to play with them, growing up with an ill mum).

Good luck OP.

At no point have i said i'm unappreciative of it! But it's totally at odds with what i've told him I need to do

Thank you. I have discussed the health aspect with him but I guess I need to be even clearer about it. He's naturally active and has no issue playing stuff with the kids and running around with them, so it's just something he doesn't see/get

When I worked in bariatric nursing we used to call these type of partners ‘feeders’. I saw the worst of it but believe me your DH seems to be one. They are usually quite skinny themselves but they achieve some sort of psychological satisfaction from the dependency their partners have on them. In the end their partners are too big to actually move so the dependency is greater. He’s not good for you.

I have considered the jabs, but it would have to be in secret, I really don't think he'd react well

What issue could he have with you consulting your doctor and a treatment plan included medication that helped you get to a healthier weight?

That's very problematic. If you developed diabetes, would he have an issue with Insulin?

Your weight at present is interfering with your enjoyment of life as well as putting you at risk for health issues. You know this, he knows this. You would like to make changes. But he's sabotaging you with food and you think he would react poorly to you taking doctor prescribed medication. That's not reasonable, so there's something else going on.

He might have factors like @keepswimming38 describes.

I wondered if he was overweight himself.

I think it’s about control…
keep doing you op. Dont let him decide for you what you’re doing / what’s best for yourself. Only you get to choose.
best of luck Xo

Call him out on his behaviour and explain why you’re doing this as you feel unhappy in yourself. Great that he loves you as you are, but I can understand how it feels when you’re uncomfortable in your own body. You can have a date night, without food. He needs to stop suggesting takeaways, it’s not fair.

OPs husband has joined the chat

just catching up, you confirmed you think maybe this is he’s a thing for bigger women, and that it’s a lot of weight, 7-8 stone, which means this is now a signficant health issue from obesity, you’re also uncomfortable with how you look and have noticed a fitness impact.

honestly I’d go on the jabs if you can afford, it means now matter how much he sabotages it will be easier to avoid the treats and manage your portion sizes,

I think you need to talk to him, he can’t put his sexual desires above your health and want you to stay unhealthy, risk so many complications, just so he can get off, and if he wants you to be around for a long time then he has to support this. Reassure you’re not aiming for skinny but a healthy bmi,

but I think you are in trouble, as he will just keep going on you’ve lost too much, getting too thin etc, even when you’re still obese.

id also think about is there a level of insecurity there, that he thinks if you get slim other men will be interested , is he the jealous type, overall I think thr whole thing is really concerning, as it’s a signficant amount of weight,

Tell him no and, if he brings anything home, throw it in the bin. He'll get the message. You aren't subservient to your cravings or his intentions. There will always be roadblocks and hurdles. You have to keep your head high and empower yourself.

You think this is the behaviour of a lovely supportive husband that Op should be thankful for??
Disregards her long term health which is probably the most important thing a person can have and invest in. He invests in his own and does loads of exercise, although you can't exercise out of a bad diet so it may catch up with him in the future aswell.
Disregards her efforts to make a positive change and the feelings she's communicated to him. Great - what a catch!

I’ve been in your situation but with the roles reversed, although we are both a bit overweight, I could eat loads because I am quite sporty and my weight was level.

Here are my honest feelings at the time, the unsaid things:

I am annoyed that you find it so easy to reject a joint pleasure and be so disciplined. I wished my appetite was as quiet as yours. Then I’d be a model.

Do you look down on me and my fondness for a bag of crisps now?

Are you going to get all hyper and start going to a running club, thus leaving me at home with kids and my bag of crisps, eventually rejecting me for being boring?

While I’m eating my crisps and monging out in front of the tv after a hard day at work, I can see you’re looking to me to fill the void with tantalising conversation. I can’t rise to the challenge right now. I’m tired.

I just want some fishfingers and baked beans. I don’t want a boring healthy meal right now.

What worked:

Me telling him my feelings
Us making a pact to have a naughty treats evening once a fortnight

You have a significant amount of weight to lose so it must be affecting your health. Could you get cholesterol and blood sugars checked? You might be eligible for WLI which would help you lose weight.

He seems to want to sabotage you. Ask him why. Tell him a date night would be lovely, let’s book theatre/cinema/gig.

This is about your health so please don’t let him stop you.

Op, if you genuinely have 7-8 stone to lose, then your DH sees it. He clearly doesn’t want you to change and there could be many reasons for that. He enjoys his life as it is, he is insecure and prefers you overweight, or he simply prefers larger women.
But what do YOU want? As you have quite rightly said, this is a health issue for you and, literally for the sake of your own longevity, you need to address it.
I would tell him bluntly that he is literally killing you with kindness and unless he wants to end up looking after DC alone, he needs to support you in regaining your health.

Yeah he’s sabotaging it. He’s reasons might not be malicious but rather he’s panicking and feeling insecure that you will change if you get slimmer. I’m not condoning his behaviour but I can see why he might have done this. I’ve lost over 6 stones with MJ and honestly I feel so much better my health has improved dramatically. If you can afford it I would definitely recommend it.

My DH does this as well but when I started a thread about it, I was firmly told that I was the one being controlling about his food. I don’t think it necessarily means they don’t want you to lose weight or are a feeder or are controlling. I honestly think some people just don’t realise the effects their actions have on others and don’t empathise with your relationship with food. Maybe your DH could happily eat a small amount at a meal out or takeaway or he would overeat but then be able to make up for it the next day by eating less. I think having a plan might help, for example pick one night a week / fortnight / month to have a meal out or takeaway and then you can organise yourself around that. But do try to talk to him about the chocolates and say that you feel that it’s bad for you to have temptation around when you’re working so hard to eat healthily.

With regard to GLP medications, they no longer need to be kept in the fridge after the first use so lots of people do hide them from family members. My DH knows I’m taking one but I haven’t told anyone else, not ever my kids as I don’t want to deal with comments or other people’s stupid perceptions of using them being cheating or that it’s easy to lose weight.

I’d be worried that if you think you have 7 stone to lose he’s not taking the health impact of your weight seriously. It’s fine to like bigger women but if the woman you love is at risk of some serious health problems you would think he would take that seriously. I’m not trying ti be an asshole OP but he’s putting his attraction to you above your actual wellbeing.

Go you OP! You can do this.
Being overweight/obese has a huge health impact and very much affects the future likelihood of developing metabolic health issues, mobility issues, heart issues and more. It affects your life expectancy. Your DH really needs to see this and care about it. Just because the majority of adults are now overweight doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to this. I would concentrate on the undeniable health impacts when you talk to him. It’s great that he loves you in thinness and in fatness and in sickness and in health but surely he wants good health for you?

Does make it sound like he’s deliberately sabotaging. I wonder if he’s worried you’ll start getting male attention again if slim and he’s insecure? It’s a bit possessive if so but can’t think why else he’d want to do this to you.

This is on you to do, just say no, it is your responsibility you are an adult

Are partners and husbands not meant to be supportive and kind to their other halves then? Of course the OP is the one making decisions but the DH is getting offended by her choices when they are totally reasonable. That seems unsupportive and unkind.

You could still go out abd have a smaller meal or a low cal meal. Summer is here, and there are usually lots of ‘light’ options.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset op, but with my DH this would be more a lack of thought than anything malicious. He's the self-designated cook in our house and in spite of me being pescatarian for the last few years and trying to go low on carbs this week's meal plan contains:

Meatballs and rice
Spaghetti Bolognese with garlic bread
Cheese (and ham) toasties
Fish and chips
Plus porridge or toast most mornings.

Then on the weekend he'll get up and cook pancakes (my absolute weakness) or buy my fave ice cream or something. Which you can see would be a nice thought really, buying someone's fave thing, but not when they're calorific and you're trying to reduce your waistline!

We have a chat and he's good/supportive for a week or two, then it reverts to normal.

It is fully on you (and me) what you eat, but it's SO much harder to be good when temptation is in the house/cooking/on the table right in front of you. I'm the kind of person who tries to start the healthy eating choices at the supermarket, so if I'm not eating it I don't even buy it. But doesn't work in a shared (esp family) environment when not everyone is following the same regime.

I like to prep a load of salad ingredients at the start of the week and do a sort of build your own salad every day, so it's got the same basic ingredients but there's a bit of variety. However then when there's ready food in the fridge it's often eaten by others and what's left is meaty carbs!🤦🏼‍♀️ It's really frickin irritating and inconsiderate. But I don't think it's deliberate sabotage. More that new habits are created at an absolute glacial pace.

Him being offended rather than contrite when pulled up on it doesnt feel right though.