AIBU to think my husband is deliberately sabotaging my weight loss?

[jessl30]

I'm 33 and have gradually put on weight over the course of our marriage. Kids, work, life...usual story, but I'm now the biggest I've ever been.

My DH has always told me he loves my curves and has never once suggested I should lose weight.

After our recent holiday, I decided I'd had enough. I hated seeing the photos, felt uncomfortable most of the time, especially by the pool, and realised I really need to do something about it.

Since then, he's bought home my favourite chocolates three times, suggested takeaways twice over the last week, keeps saying "let's have a treat, you've been good", and has now booked us in for a meal this weekend without even asking me first.

When I said I was trying to be disciplined, he acted offended and told me I'm thinking too much about it, and we should be able to enjoy a date night.

I just can't help feeling that every time I start getting into a routine he puts another obstacle in my way. I asked him outright whether he actually wants me to lose weight and he said "I love you whatever your size is, you don't need to be skinny" which sounds like a long way of saying 'no' to me.

I know I'm responsible for what I eat, but I also can't imagine deliberately making it harder for someone I supposedly support.

AIBU to think this is bordering on sabotage, or am I just looking for someone else to blame for my lack of willpower?

Yes - I told him after holiday that i'm unhappy with my weight and how I am, and that it needs a serious lifestyle change. At the time I thought he was saying all the right things, but when I think back there was a lot of "well if that's what will make you happy" type things. And the typical "you don't need to be skinny"

It’s possible that he wants to control you, and stopp you from returning to your slim self. Difficult to determine without knowing details of your relationship.

Trust your own gut and focus on what you want. You can take back control by not eating the stuff he’s trying to feed you.

Slimming world to excellent ready meals you can get at Iceland, they are very low cal and microwave in ten mins. It could be a good compromise so you still sit together and eat similar looking foods, you feel you’re having a treat but stay on track.
eg they do slimming world fat free chips, you could have them or a jacket potato with salad and grilled fish, he could have normal fish and chips and you could share the mushy peas

also try suggesting alternatives he can buy you as treats eg flowers, nice sliced soft fruits like melon and mango.

He may just need time to adapt, see how he is in a few weeks and in the meantime well done you.

I'm aiming to lose 7 to 8 stone

You could also reframe the conversations away from weight and to health.
he can’t argue with “i don’t want to die from a heart attack. I don’t want diabetes. This is my bmi, these are the statistics. I want to be an active pensioner” etc

skinny/fat tends to be seen as more subjective by people

I would try mounjaro in secret op. I lost 4 stone on it and never looked back. I dud tell my H who was nothing but supportive. It will be a big help for you to cut out the food noise and also resist temptation that he’s putting in your way.

Is he overweight? With 7-8 stone to lose it’s not even about being skinny and vanity, it’s for your health and he should be cheerleading you, not sabotaging that.

Reframing this is a great idea. It's about changing your eating habits to fit a healthy lifestyle. You want to be able to run around with your kids and keep up with them. You don't want the health complications of too much weight and you want to feel good about yourself.

Also seconding Mounjaro. It makes the whole thing easier. And doesn’t mean not eating, just cuts out all the cravings so it’s easier to make healthy food choices. I found I preferred the taste of simple whole foods on it and wanted protein also. Highly appetising foods just didn’t do anything. So if he does want to keep flaunting food then it won’t derail you xx

No, he's quite slim/athletic.

I have considered the jabs, but it would have to be in secret, I really don't think he'd react well

What if a doctor recommended them to you? It’s harder for him to push back then and you are eligible xx

My goodness, he sounds terribly small and skinny.

You said he was athletic - is he a bantamweight kickboxer or something.

That's a really good point (both of you - thank you!)

A lot of what pushed me was the experience on holiday. I felt uncomfortable in how I looked, but also how I felt. Trying to play with the kids in the pool, the games by the pool etc. I've laughed off my fitness for a while but struggling to run probably about 25-30 yards in a race in one of the animation team's games while we were away really was a bit of a wow moment for me.

He may very well be sabotaging. He also may be just going about normal family life. Some people on 'weight loss journeys' make it their identity and it's so dull for everyone around them.
In my family (DH 3 DC, 3partners and 1DGC) we eat out every week altogether. I cannot eat, two partners are losing weight. No one comments that I sit there without a meal (our usual restaurants/pubs know me and I'll inform new places beforehand that I won't be having a meal). I feed the baby while everyone else eats.
No one comments on what the two calorie counting order. My 3DC are all slim. Food in our family is simply fuel, not particularly a treat. The treat is being together. No one cares what or if anyone is eating. You have agency here.

Read this back. Can you see how outrageous this is?

Not only is he trying to control you by feeding you crap food when you are trying to lose weight, but he wants to stop you from trying to take a prescription medicine which would help you achieve your goal.

You know that you are very seriously overweight, so this is a matter of health, not just vanity. Every day you struggle because everything is so much more difficult because of your weight. And he is sabotaging your efforts!

How would you react if I told you that I believe that your marriage is not good for you?

@jessl30 , there's something not right here and I think you need someone who you can talk to freely who is not your DH.

If you have 7 or 8 stones to lose , then your health is at risk.

Could you speak to your practice nurse or someone not connected to your husband?

[Hug] You seem a really nice person.

I'd say we have a good marriage but then you'd expect me to say that, but I understand why you'd ask that question.

Thank you so much.

Yes i've thought about the GP. The weight has probably crept up on me, but stuff on the holiday really did hit home, particularly my level of fitness. Struggling to run basically the length of the swimming pool was really quite embarrassing

Nothing to add as I think others have said it all but wanted to wish you the best of luck.

@jessl30 , assuming that you are not 6' tall and hoping to get down to about 6 stone and size 0, then something really isn't right.

I wouldn't worry about running for now, you can work on your fitness. The priority is to make sure you are healthy and to get you happier about your body.
I think you are ready to change your lifestyle.

How old are the DC?

6ft, i wish! Haha

I'm 5ft 5in

DCs are 7 and 5

It's quite easy for weight to creep up when you have children come along and food is a bit of a treat so don't feel bad about that.

Maybe your DH isn't deliberately sabotaging your efforts but he is.

Your children are probably getting more independent now so it's a good time to look at a bit of a lifestyle change. You'll be wanting to be able to do things with them.
Somehow we need to get your DH to be on your side on this.
I'll have a think.

Thank you! Its definitely a combination of things. Before the kids, we would eat out a lot, nice restaurants and things.

After the kids, it then tended to be more takeaways and treats at home.

The last couple of years as the kids are both a bit older and can both go to my parents or his, without being too much, we've got back to eating out more, but the takeaways midweek etc have carried on too - its now since then that i've really noticed the biggest impact on my weight (and it shows on the scales too)

You say that food has been a major aspect of your relationship. And you now want to change that relationship dynamic because you need to change your approach / relationship to food. He may be having an emotional response to this; insecurity, resentfulness, discomfort, something else?

You say he's sporty - so he's consuming the calories but burning them off elsewhere. So so he doesn't see a problem with your food-based relationship, because it's not a problem for him. But it is a problem for you - and he needs to accept that.

Together you need to work out how you can still enjoy food together, so that (a) you are able to achieve your weight loss goals, and (b) you can still share this aspect of your relationship. Could you spend time cooking together instead of ordering take away together? Find lower calorie recipes that you both enjoy that mimic the foods you currently bond over?

Could you also find an activity or sport to do together that can (a) enrich your relationship without being related to food, and (b) burn off calories to help you towards your weight loss goal?

Also, instead of going out for a meal together, do an activity together. Instead of date nights being about food make them about movement and activities. Family days could be a walk or bike ride with a (healthier) picnic. You could try walking/hiking, swimming, indoor climbing, bike rides, tennis, ice or roller skating, geocaching, couple yoga. Instead of blowing £30 on a take-away each week, you could suggest spending it on salsa, tango, jive or latin lessons.

It’s so easy to let it creep up but if I could turn back time I would have tried harder to get a handle on it at your age than when I eventually did a decade later.
My husband is athletic, can eat pretty much what he wants etc and never once commented on my weight gain but when I sat him down and said how it was impacting my health wellbeing he got behind me 100%.

I have used jabs and feel so much better already, although I still have a bit to go. I take a low dose, go to the gym 4 times a week, walk daily and I started off at 16st and I am your height.

You can do this!!!

Thank you, that does all make a lot of sense.

You are right, he clearly doesn't see it as an issue because it doesn't affect him directly. What I do feel is that he downplays how much of an issue it is for me. He constantly refers to me as being 'curvy', but in my eyes (and i'd guess most people) i'm now way beyond what would just be described as curvy.