To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

For me it’s the opposite, I rarely see them in real life but see them written about on here. I think it’s just better to be with someone close to your age. And that’s what I see outside of mumsnet

If you're old enough to be someone's parent... ew.

But on that basis, you're saying that a 36 year old having sex with a 16 year old is fine because 'legal'

Surely you understand its more nuanced than that? The half age plus 7 rule is a general thing, rather like BMI, it doesnt work for everyone

I'd say up to about 8 years either way is probably a better guideline.

Well it being none of your business isn't the point of the thread. Technically most things are nobody else's business. This isn't a thread about what the law is, it's about opinions on and experiences of age gaps and what is or isn't a good idea/ exploitative.

If your 21 year old offspring joins a cult do you shrug and genuinely not care - after all surely that's none of your business either, as long as the cult isn't illegal.

Something like joining a cult is generally a negative though, I don't think an age gap relationship necessarily is.

Obviously adults can make their own choices. Doesn't make them good choices. Plenty of women choose to be with abusers, rapists, paedophiles. I wouldn't feel comfortable, and have been in the situation and felt very uncomfortable, around couples where one is old enough to be the other ones parent.

There is a generation between those people at all ages, they will always be at completely different life stages.

Yes 28 is slightly better as that's more so the age that your brain fully develops. Funnily enough it's also around the age both DH and I woke up and realised what a situation we were in and left our abusers. But I had already given a 50 year old abuser and rapist a baby so now I get to be tied to that abuser for the rest of his life, my son gets to be abused, lose half his grandparents already, have an elderly father who looks more like his grandfather and go through losing a parent at a very young age. Because I was an "adult" who could make my own choices.

Okay this "brain fully develops" thing has been really poorly understood, and the reporting around it was bad:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_matures_at_25_myth

Additionally, brains learn by doing. Someone being coddled at home in their twenties won't magically mature into a functional adult - you do that by living as one.

I agree that younger adults can be naive and lack life experience. I myself wound up in an abusive relationship at twenty as I didn't recognise the warning signs. But he was only two years older than me, and just because I was on the right side of the age gap rule didn't make it less unpleasant.

This rule was very popular when I was at university, I think it is pretty good at assessing what is creepy for teen and twenty-somethings.
Now I’m middle aged I think it applies less well, as apparently I could potentially date up to an age where most men are dead….

I have always thought that half your age plus seven should be the law.

Well now we're back to subjective opinions, regardless of what's your business.
It's my subjective opinion that large age gaps - especially ones large enough for one person to be old enough to be the other one's parent, but at younger ages even the half your age plus seven rule, are generally negative.

As I said - very young adults who think they're mature usually aren't, they're often out of step with their age cohort in terms of interests for other reasons (parentified, neurodiverse, shy, simply due to personality) but that's not remotely the same as being mature.

Older adults who gravitate towards or seek much younger partners are not usually "young at heart" in any positive ways, but rather emotionally and socially insecure - which isn't a good thing, nor is it something that improves with age (they don't "grow up with" their younger partner because they aren't young but unstable or emotionally insecure.

I went out with someone much older. He basically had a checklist and I ticked the boxes. He really just had a vacancy for a wife and mother an he wanted to be achieve the married with kids by the time he was 40. He's still single but after me he was chasing someone a few years younger than me.

We had nothing in common and not at the same stage in life. He wasn't a bad person.

I'd never heard of it before now.

I’m 52. I’m not looking for a 90yo man, thanks.

I'm 64, so I could date a 39 year old man. No. Take me straight to prison. Because you can bet your life it wouldn't be a normally competent 39 year old man who would have me. It would be some disappointed, desperate man that I would be taking advantage of.

I think the "it's a limit not a target" soundbite applies even better here than to speed limits 🤣

I’m sorry about your situation but …DH is 11 years older than me - I’m 65 and he is 76. He’s still fit and well apart from being on statins. You just don’t know how things will turn out. He could have ended up being your carer, I do know couples where that is the case.

I'm confused by your point. Why would it be a good idea for someone in their 20s to be in an age gap relationship with someone in their 40s who isn't the things you said some 40 year olds weren't? Appreciate it may not apply to you personally, but the example of an immature (and horrible from the description) 40 year old is exactly the issue - they're with a 20 something because they need to be with someone who hasn't grown up yet. It doesn't make for a long term strong relationship - it makes for a 20 something who gets to 30 and realizes that they've outgrown their partner.

This may not be the case with your and your partner, but I genuinely cannot imagine a world where I (in my 40s) would have an interest in a 20 something, no matter how 'mature'. I've met plenty of 20 somethings who aren't party animals, don't have ONS and want a deep connection with someone. I've yet to meet one I would consider to be mature (well with the eyes of a 40 year old!), just like people who do like those things at 40 aren't definitively immature. That's just wanting different things out of life. Mature is more about emotional intelligence - how you manage what life throws at you and how you deal with conflict.

It's great it's worked out for you and of course there are exceptions to every rule - not saying your partner isn't mature! It's just I think it's rare in reality.

Yes i appreciate we are quite rare.

The point of my post was people rule out people purely based on age, but using their assumptions based on their age.

You have done it there by saying you wouldnt have an interest in a 20 something.....how do you know?

I didnt set put to find a 20 something.....i wasnt even looking for anyone when I met him in the wild (real life) and although I knew how old he was, if I didnt I would have looked at him and thought he was older (based on looks alone).
What i did not do, was rule him out because of his age, and he didnt do that with me either.

We have so much in common, interests, hobbies, music, passions, sports.....i fail to see how someone can just assume that because someone is younger or older than them there wont be these things....again its just stereotyping.

The point I make about maturity is simply because stereotypically people assume younger people are less mature emotionally, like as you said they "arent in the same place in life".....again this is an assumption.
I wouldnt want to be with anyone who is immature, or unkind or a poor communicator, and there are plenty of people my own age who are these things, it isnt just younger people, that was my point!

Again your first part of your post confuses me, im not saying a mature 20 something looks for an immature 40 something......the point im making is lots of people assume 20 somethings arent mature and 40 year olds are.......your age doesnt make you mature......your age doesn't make you a good lover, or kind, or compassionate or affectionate or a good communicator.....

Why do you have to be older say 40 and that means you know how to deal with conflict, is there something magic that happens at a certain age where a switch flicks and suddenly you can communicate better, are emotionally mature? As judging by a lot of threads on here there are plenty of married 30+, 40+, 50+ men who are immature, poor communicators, selfish when it comes to supporting their partners with housework and children.....

Some people go through a lot in life very early on and this means they have experienced and dealt with a lot, others lead very sheltered lives and therefore haven't....again it isn't an age specific thing its the hand life throws at you.

Ooh someone’s feeling a bit touchy aren’t they. There Isn’t a law to this effect though. So don’t worry.

The idea of dating outside this age gap gives me the ick to be honest. But my icks don’t make the rules for the rest of the world. As long as both are consenting adults: it’s no one else’s business

It was made up as an excuse for dirty old men to go after young women.

I dont agree with any rules but research does indicate that the larger the age gap, the more likelihood there is of divorce/split. The chances of divorce literally goes up according to age gap length

I am not quite sure why thats apparently "controversial"- it seems pretty damn obvious to me why that might be 🤷‍♀️

I haven't come across this rule. If I had, I would have realised my boyfriend, now husband, was too old for me. We've been married for 51 years so I guess it doesn't matter now.

My parents got married when my mum was only just 20 and my dad 39. If there was any power imbalance I'm 100% sure that my mum was the one who had the power. She was a dynamo, and my dad a painfully shy geek.

Despite their polarised personalities, they were very happily married for forty years, until he died.

I know a couple who are 25 and 59. They've been together for four years. And to my amazement, they work fantastically as a couple. Both lovely people, and she is astonishingly mature and capable with her own very successful business. When I'm around then I totally forget that there's such a huge gap.
Obviously I'd have been horrified if my own daughters had bright home a 55 year old partner when they were 21 though!

Obviously I'd have been horrified if my own daughters had bright home a 55 year old partner when they were 21 though!

If you claim your parents had been blissfully happy then I am curious why this would have bothered you so much?