AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

You're right that family court doesn't like disruption. However, you're wrong about what they'll consider to be disruptive in your case. At 13, the court will hear that she wants to live with her dad, and that'll be that. Forcing her to live with a parent she doesn't want to live with (you) while she has a reasonable alternative (dad) will be considered to be unnecessarily disruptive.

Her things belong to her. You're not entitled to refuse to give her back her own things, even if you're cruel enough to want to.

Those are clearly her things. The fact she feels she needs the teddies surely tells you she is needy emotionally. If it was things you bought for house eg her bed or wardrobe I'd understand you saying no. I'd tell her to take clothing,teddies, trinkets and any jewellery or personalised items. If she changes her mind she can bring them back with her. Sometimes letting her go without making life difficult for her means she'll come back. I divorced exh when eldest DS was 16. He had just started college and I insisted on 10pm bedtime weeknights as he had to get up early to catch bus for college. Exh allowed him to stay up gaming half the night then miss bus so miss college next day. DS decided he wanted to live with his Dad. I was very upset because I knew exh only wanted him there to hurt me and knew he didn't care if DS went to college or not. DS stayed with his Dad for about 6 months. During this time I only got to see him once a fortnight. Whenever I saw him he looked really miserable but when I asked him if he was ok he said yes. I allowed him to take all of his stuff including his bed, chest of drawers and his wardrobe, TV etc. After 8 weeks I found out he had dropped out of college. I was furious and rang exh to find out what had happened but he just hung up on me. Bbb After about 7 months he rang one day crying and asked if he could come home. I went to collect him. It turned out his Dad had grown tired of having him there and wanted to move in with his latest gf. I hired a van and went around to collect him and his things. He refused to speak to his Dad again for about 12 years. DS never wanted to discuss what had happened at his Dad's but he'd been living off 📴 f junk food. He had put on about a stone. He was depressed and had just at his Dad's doing absolutely nothing all day every day. I got him eating sensibly, and going to the gym again. Within a couple of months he had found himself a job and didn't look back.

Have you no shame?

Are there no depths to which you are not willing to stoop?

The OPs daughter is at her dad's because of a court order. OP moved her fiance in and the man makes the daughter feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that she reported it to the school and they got involved. The OP is a repeat poster and an unreliable narrator. I know this is mumsnet and is biased, but mothers are not always the best parents. (Hell, think about how many posts on here are about people going no contact with their mothers.)

At 13, they will take the child’s wishes into account.

No wonder she left your home. Don’t be a Cnut. Xx

No wonder she’s moved in with her dad. You sound awful

Let the teddies and trinkets go gracefully and your daughter might come back. She is a child.

Her dad can't buy her a teddy she's had for years, can he?

I'd agree if it was eg a game console that other children use too, or furniture - yes, her dad should supply those. But those teddies are surely hers, by any measure. Or can a child own nothing?

13 yo can be difficult - I certainly was and so was my daughter. We're ok now though. I'm not sure that relationships would have normalized if things had got this petty.

Play the long game.

She wants her teddies so she's feeling vulnerable and possibly missing home . Don't start using who paid for what as a weapon, let her have her comforts. She's being a right pain but is still a child as well as a stroppy teenager. It's a horrible situation but hopefully will run its course and she'll come home.

Just grow up and be a good role model for her rather than acting at her level.

of course she should be able to have them and if/when she moves back she brings them back.

You are aware @Bigglebiggle that at your DD’s age the courts will pretty much allow them to choose where they live? That’s without any of the allegations your daughter has made. Contact with you may not even be granted if she doesn’t want it. If contact with you is granted it’ll almost certainly be ‘at the child’s discretion’ or basically’if she wants to’. I’d be safeguarding your relationship with her and giving her the belongings (and listening to her!) before it’s too late.

I think you probably need to consider the bigger picture and how your relationship will be in the long term.

The child is not being a stroppy teenager. She was removed from OP by court order because her new fiance is making the daughter feel unsafe and the daughter reported it to the school. OP has a history (through repeated posts) of treating her daughter horribly.

Don't be that parent. A dick move if you want to have some relationship with your daughter.

You would be very foolish to withhold her things like this. Try to be an adult.

The ops dd left because she felt unsafe with her new step dad who has been disciplining her. She told her mother she didn’t want to live with him. Got nowhere so told her dad and school , her dad moved her into his house at DDs request. She’s not being horrible she’s trying to feel safe and secure.

My mother did this to all of us when we all
left home at a young age on bad terms. I mean, at least you’re asking for opinions, which is more than my mother would ever do about any of the awful things she did to us. See @IsItSummerSoonpost.

OP stop being a selfish shit mother.

This reminds me of someone I knew at school. Her mum would pick up ONS and have them stay overnight at the house. One morning my friend got up for school and found some random bunk up from the night before in the bathroom using her toothbrush. Just grim.

Oh it’s THAT poster!! I hadn’t realised.

Mate, are you still backing your bloke over your poor DD?

Teddies and trinkets etc I would absolutely allow - high value items such as an ipad or similar would all depend on whether or not I thought it would be looked after.

You have to do better than this.
Give your daughter her items.
A gift doesnt stop being a gift because you dont like what the recipient is doing.

What you do now will determine how your daughter feels about you going forward.

Dont do anything to further damage the relationship.

A pp said there's theres more to this. That your daughter doesnt feel safe in your home because of a man or men you have brought into it. Dont make things worse by being petty with her belongings.

She’s got a mother who would keep her teddies. I can’t blame the daughter for bad behaviour.

Poor kid.
Sounds like her parents can’t co-parent effectively. She’s split between two homes and now this. Taking away her teddies would be a spectacularly childish move on your part. If it does go wrong at her dad’s she needs to know that her mother is still there for her and always will be.

Aah, the joys of teenage girls.

x3 for me 😅

Of course you paid for the items; she's a child so she doesn't have any money! Do you think children shouldn't have any of their own belongings because they didn't pay for them? It's illegal for them to earn money! Absolutely ridiculous to hold that over her head. Why did you post if you're going to ignore the consensus that you're being unreasonable?

She'll never forget the way you treated her, by the way. If she ever has children herself, your grandchildren, she'll remember when you wouldn't let her have her own teddies because you paid for them, even though it's your job to provide for her and keep her safe.