Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

My autistic children point and did at an early age. One of them was potty trained at age 2 the other age 3 and they both have friends.

@LostandFounded by age 3, peer pressure should have kicked in. So everyone else is on the carpet... They sit on the carpet.

Someone says their name, they look around at them.... It doesn't mean they'll necessarily stop their fun and move, but they will notice and want to see why their name was called.

Key indicators for me that DD2 was autistic (not diagnosed until 11 because nobody would believe me):

• Every picture I had of her in preschool was on her own
• No desire to connect with other children
• Copying teacher's examples exactly

In fact the list goes on and on.

I will give you an example of a child I have worked with, a few early years workers voiced concerns about this one child, garbled speech, no eye contact, couldn’t follow instruction welll, this child was 3, keyworker voiced concerns to mum who didn’t seem to concerned but worked with us, we managed to get speech and a language involved who suggested a hearing test , hearing test came back showing a problem. This meant the child got the extra help they needed quite quickly and solved the problem of garbled speech and not following instruction. No autism but hearing loss wasn’t helping the rest of the concerns we had too. Also means speech and language were able to work with this child to help with the speech too.

What harm would there be in getting your little child checked out? People who seem to know a lot about the condition are suggesting you should. Even if you don’t believe the nursery I think you should follow the advice given here.

😆 this was a penny drop moment for us - feeding giraffes at the zoo? Nah, this piece of fence is waaaay more interesting!

(Two hours playing with the fence for the record....)

That was a expensive bit of fencing. 😂 Two hours! Yeah spent an hour last weekend letting him open and close a gate. The week before he spent 40 minutes stacking and lining up traffic cones in the school carpark. 😬

Op you asked about testing for autism. It would be worth looking at the MCHAT screening tool. Mine was showing signs on this but I persuaded myself he wasn’t at the time. He pointed, waved etc and is a very happy and successful autistic teen now

Why do you need to do this? Why can't you take the advice of nursery staff and all but 2 of the posters on this thread and get some professional help. What could possibly be the downside of this?

I have known parents who refused this kind of support in Early Years but by Year 2 were complaining their child had had no help from school. Please accept the support now.

But it's good that you followed their advice even if it ruled out autism.

We had the 'we think your child may need assessing' conversation in nursery for very similar reasons. He would play alone or alongside others but not really joining in, he wouldn't sit for circle time he would be off doing his own thing. His speech was excellent and had an advanced vocabulary for his age but that 'hid' his receptive language difficulties.

I was like you, "no, he's ok" no need to refer until he moved into reception and it was pointed out to me how many 5 year olds can tell you the day you were born, in seconds from your date of birth.

He was referred that day, that led to two years of SALT and OT intervention before he was assessed as having high functioning Autism, and high Anxiety. Nursery are seeing your child in a different setting to you, they are noticing their difficulties compared to their peer group. The sooner you know the sooner the right help can be implemented.

My eldest is now 17, in 6th form and because he had the help and support he needed he is thriving not surviving, he has a lovely friend group and is generally happy. This took years of help and support and without that, from early on he would, I'm sure, have struggled more.

Contrast this to my youngest son. I was asking for years in Primary school if they noticed anything, they said no, he is now in year 7 and struggling, he 'masks' so much better than his brother, he is a quiet, well behaved child and has 'flown under the radar' so a lot was missed. We're currently struggling with school based anxiety and burnout. Luckily we have been able to have him assessed quickly under right to choose so that we can now get more support from school but I wonder if having more support in Primary school would have helped him cope better with the transition to secondary school where lots of undiagnosed children begin to really struggle.

Listen to the Nursery staff, its better to know now than later on.

@LostandFounded You sound like my dh when nursery told us our child was different and that it would be good if we got him evaluated by a professional. Dh, just like you, was in complete denial. Obviously our son was late with his speech because he's bilingual (very possible if that had been the only problem), he didn't listen when his name was called and didn't join in group activities if he was occupied with something because he was strong willed and independant 😅. And yes he was very sociable but there was a clear lack of reciprocity which is also typical for autism.

Luckily I wasn't in denial as my dh. I was open and listened to their concerns and got my ds a referral for autism screening. I will ask you, as I asked my dh; What are you afraid of? Either you're right and your son is not autistic- great- you ruled that ont. Or- he is- and in that case early intervention is key. You do not want to lose precious time because the one who will suffer from this is your ds. Look at it as nurse telling you that she has observed signs of cancer in your child. What would you do? Find arguments for that not being true or call your GP to find out and eventually get your son treatment.

True, there is no "cure" for autism. But the earlier interventions are started (speech, motricity, social skills) the better outcome for your ds.

It seems like you are in denial to me. Your description of your child sounds like my son at 3 years old, and he is autistic. Talk to your GP, tell them what the school said. If your child is autistic you will need to get a diagnosis, in order to get help for them through their school years. If your child is not autistic they won’t be diagnosed. But it’s not worth the gamble if they are because waiting lists are so long.

Also, OP I have three DC with ASD. I thought two of them were likely ASD by the time they were 7. DD 3 I would have sworn up and down was not ASD. AT ALL. She had some difficulties but was so different from her sibs that I was certain it couldn't be. Maybe dyslexia, maybe ADHD, maybe dyspraxia but DEFINITELY NOT ASD.

When she was assessed at 16 she has none of those other things (was assessed for ADHD first) but every professional said "ASD, not even borderline." She is social, outgoing, makes eye contact, has good speech etc and masks like crazy. The first thing that "showed" was inability to watch movies, and then massive fatigue after a day in school.

It does sound like autism. I’m not an expert but have a 5 yo with autism and he had those very same signs at 2/3. It was first mentioned at nursery when he was 2 actually and I thought they were crazy because I’d seriously never noticed anything amiss aside from delayed speech but my eldest also didn’t speak till 3 so I wasn’t overly concerned. He didn’t have great eye contact, wouldn’t reliably respond to his name and 100% has always and still remains to be on his own agenda. If something isn’t serving him, he will walk away which I actually respect to be honest…

It isn’t a big deal, just something extra to live with. Eye contact and speech are improving as he gets older and he responds reliably now. Don’t stress about it too much, it isn’t worthwhile.

one of my children has ADHD - i was told buy a nursery worker they had it - i didnt believe it, thought they just found them a bit mischevious, left eventually, now is 9, diagnosed with adhd last april.

Were those the only signs though?? My child points, speaks (a bit behind and hard to understand at times sure but not massively), walks, is potty trained. Literally the only signs are what nursery are saying about this not joining circle time and listening issue and not replying to name when they are busy doing something, but like I said if I shout or have tone of voice and engage properly they will look at me when I say their name so it’s not always.

You shouldn't have to make a determined effort to get his attention. That's the whole point. He should be responding to his name in a whisper. The fact that you're having to say in what circumstances you can get a reaction is an issue itself.

DD1 has ASD, probable ADHD, learning disability and a brain malformation. She will never live independently. She was potty trained at 2 years old in just 3 days. It means nothing.

You shouldn’t have to raise your voice to get your child’s attention (unless hearing issues) on a regular basis.

Why are you so against getting help for your DC @LostandFounded

If they had trouble walking would you ignore that?

Don’t know if you have answered it but are you getting help for their speech issues?

The issue though is quite often at nursery they don't all behave differently for some things. When you have, say, 15 three year olds and 14 of them can sit and do circle time, nursery have to wonder what else is going on with the one child that can't (which is what happened with my eldest who has ASD).

OP, you seem to have a very fixed idea of what an autistic child would do - manybof us are trying to explain that the autistic spectrum is huge and individual children vary enormously in how they present.

You cannot point to one thing and then decide he can't be autistic.

My younger daughter had what we all thought was superior creative play, but it was repetitive, she had to be in charge, and involved copying adult behaviour. Other children liked her setting up the game - for a while - but then they got bored and drifted off and eventually ignored her, then the troble started.

Tbh a lot of settings only start to do anything once trouble is brewing. If an autistic child is causing no problems, they can often be left to their own devices. So it is great that nursery is actively addressing this.

Depends on the level of severity as it can be a big deal.

It can be but this shouldn't put the OP off finding out more. It doesn't sound like OP's child is at this end of the spectrum anyhow.

Bloody hell, you can walk and be autistic! My husband is autistic and is a senior doctor in ITU! My father in law is autistic and had a fantastic career as an engineer. Please research autism, you have very rigid and fixed (!) preconceptions of what autism looks like

Ps my son won every race at sports day , he very much can walk

(the problem however was trying to explain when it was no longer his turn to race!)

There are no ends, and 'severity' changes with situation. DD2 is significantly affected by her ASD, now 3 years 'behind' in education because she's needed extensive specialist education. She's just going to give college a try in September, but will need 1:1 support available at all times despite being academically able. She's just been assessed as having Limited Capability for Work and Work Related Activity. She's just been excused from jury service after I described her profile.

This is the same child who I was constantly told didn't have any SEN, was just a bit anxious, etc. Her secondary SENCO point blank refused to assist me in applying for an EHCP. Then I applied and the LA put her straight into a special school.

Trust me, if the nursery are saying there's a problem, grab that support opportunity with both hands, because the new SEND regulations are going to be a car crash.

NOW is the time to get help. If he exceeds all expectations, they will say 'job done, support no longer needed'.