Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

It sounds as if your child has ADHD, hyperfocus, not paying attention to their name unless shouted or a stern tone of voice.

My nephew was 2 when he was diagnosed with autism. I was today years old minus five weeks when I was diagnosed with ADHD, probable ASD as well, diagnosis pending.

Children diagnosed as neurodivergent often have neurodivergent parents. Maybe your determination that your child is not neurodivergent is your own neurodivergence showing.

In any case, take all the support offered, because either the child doesn’t have ASD and you know for certain, or is neurodivergent and will be supported from a very young age.

My nephews nursery also flagged these traits, which you have also listed:

Did not join in circle time
Did not respond to his name
Did not follow structured play activities with other children
Speech and language delay

His parents were in denial too, but they had him assessed just to clear it up. He was diagnosis with autism at 2.5 years old.

I have no idea if your child is autistic but it's certainly possible to pick up on indicators at age 3.

My son’s wonderful nursery teacher picked up on him being autistic before I did-he was just turned 3. I went away and researched it and realised my son is clearly autistic. Please don’t take it as a slight. My son is 11 now and he’s absolutely wonderful. Early help and diagnosis is really recommended. My son wouldn’t acknowledge any other child, had no friends at all, had huge speech delay (despite being talked to a lot), on his own agenda.

I was in a similar situation with my son. He is my younger child and nursery were the first to raise concerns. He didn't join in with circle time he didn't join in with activities he played by himself and also had speech delay and spoke in phrases rather than conversation two way language. He was diagnosed with ASD before he started school.
With respect the nursery are raising concerns because your child is not developing typically like his peers. Listen to them and try to work with them. At the moment they are giving you advice and their opinion, but if they have concerns they will be evidence based concerns, they have not taken a dislike to your child. Don't take offence, they want to help your child and its their duty to raise any concerns.

Nursery may not be diagnosing, but they are right to raise concerns if they are seeing communication, attention, and social differences. At age three, it is possible to seek advice through the health visitor, GP, or speech and language team without assuming any final label. Getting an assessment does not mean treating the child differently; it means understanding what support, if any, may help them thrive.

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But it isn't lots of kids. Nursery is telling you that everyone else is taking part, your child is the only one who isn't.

Just because you know children with autism doesn’t mean you know autism-every single person with autism is different. My children are both autistic and couldn’t be more different. You don’t have to accept there may be a difference but open your mind to the possibility. You seem very closed off to the idea. If your child isn’t autistic-great-but at least listen to them and make a list of all the things they’re saying. Give him time-his speech may catch up? My eldest did and he’s bright as a button. He’s still autistic though! My youngest had huge speech issues and even at 11 isn’t where his peers are. Both are absolute joys. I get it’s scary and overwhelming but please just be open minded ❤️

I looked after two children from the same family.
First child came at 10 months old, left at age 4 to go to school, absolutely fine.
Sibling came at 10 months afterwards, as soon as he could walk he was an absolute handful, wouldn’t listen to me, very disruptive, violent behaviour towards the other children, animals and me.
Eventually after I’d tried everything, I had to give notice.
I highly suspect he has ADHD.
So yes, perfectly possible children from the same family to be completely different, and absolutely valid that the nursery should bring it to your attention.

And OP, I am autistic myself. I did not display 'typical' traits as a child; in fact, most autistic people do not present in the sterotypical way that many people think is representative of all of autism.

I met all of my milestones; in fact, my mother thought I was a genius, because I could read fluently very early (what I now know to he hyperlexia).

Many people, like myself, go through life undiagnosed, and struggle. You keep saying that your older son is 'fine'; you can be autistic and fine! He may well be and just be undiagnosed, or he may not be.

The fact that your child has needs/behavious that are noticeable enough to be flagged now is a POSITIVE thing. If he is autistic, he will be autistic, wether you agree with labelling or not. The only difference would be growing up autistic in a world where his needs aren't being met because he hasn't been diagnosed.

Did he have other trait?

Hi OP,

I work in this area and have previously worked in a Paediatric team for diagnosis for children under 5.3 is a relatively normal age for an assessment and diagnosis, we can assess from roughly 18 months.

The feedback from nursery looks fairly typical for what we might see in a referral. In nursery we would be looking at response to name, listening, joining with the other youngsters or being on own agenda (eg. Not following and sitting with the group at carpet time). I think those things from nursery are enough for them to suggest a referral for further assessment. I don’t think they are suggesting your child has autism, just that there is a pattern of observations that may be indicative or may not, but that it’s enough to suggest a professional should look over things. We often see speech delay in ND children, but again that could be a different possible explanation for what nursery have noticed, which we can tease apart as professionals. Nobody else should be making comments about which direction they think an assessment will go.

Generally nurseries do have some good experience with lots of youngsters so do notice if things are a bit different to how they observe the other children. You’re right that all children are this way, but I suppose maybe in nursery it is becoming apparent that for your little one it is happening more often or is more pervasive? The sorts of things we would assess in clinic would be response to name etc. We tend to see little ones do better at home with their safe people so it’s possible your little one is struggling a bit more than you are able to observe. A really big thing I would be thinking for a three year old is how much interest they are showing in others at nursery - whether they are still playing alongside or nearby other children (which we would’ve expected them to have grown out of by 3) or whether they are more integrated and involved in play- plus whether they are very directive or hoping to lead play when they are playing with others. In terms of communication speech is important to consider but we’re also looking at how they communicate their needs to other people including with non- verbal communication such as gesture, asking for help.

It is very obvious when a child has autistic traits at 3yo - I’ve worked in early years nearly 15 years and I can pretty much give an autistic diagnosis (if I was allowed to!) to children from about 18mths up within a few hours of meeting them. My point being experienced nursery workers are professionals in normal development and will be able to spot children who are outside expected behaviour for their ages.

Most children at 3 will come and join in circle time in a group with varying levels of engagement but children who have need of support will find this very difficult and many dislike having their own agenda interrupted. NT will find it ok to leave what they are doing to engage in an adult focused activity for a short time. Children who end up with a diagnosis of some kind of SEN find it very difficult to leave this own agenda to join in.

You would be wise to engage with your child’s key workers to see if they need additional support and if this will continue into school. Nursery workers can get the ball rolling with SALT, OT, and EHCPs if required.

Hi there.

I'm sorry, this has obviously come as a shock to you.

My younger daughter was diagnosed aged 7 but her elder sister wasn't diagnosed until she was 15. I thought autism looked a particular way, based on what I knew and my experience with our younger daughter, and we all missed it completely in our elder daughter.

The thing is, the autistic spectrum is huge and some children are more obviously impacted by it than others.

My younger daughter came across as really sociable in nursery. Great eye contact. Good playing skills. Popular with other children. But it was all coping strategies, which fell apart as she got older and the demands increased.

Most people simply would not believe she was autistic. Even teachers, even though I gave them the CAMHS diagnosis.

I have no idea if your son is on the spectrum or not. All I would say is to keep an open mind. Autism is not a "bad" label. My daughter is an adult now, lives with her boyfriend, has a job. She did benefit from having the diagnosis.

Speech and language is often a euphemism for autism btw. You could ask to be referred and see what they say.

Good luck

Can you give me some examples of things I can try at home to test for autism

Autistic traits are easy to spot when you know what to look for and to childcare professionals at 3 it’d be blatantly obvious.

I was told 12 years ago, when my son was 3, that he was the 'most autistic child they had ever seen' by the nursery he was at. He's now 15 and not a trace of autism or anything at all. We did follow their advice at the time and there were no concerns from specialists. He was just a late developer. Thats all we can put it down to.

Thing is even if not autistic, strategies for autism might help your DC with some of the things they have picked up

Have you had their hearing tested?

OP I feel like you are really struggling with this, please try not to.
Even if he is autistic, he can and will go on to have a great life x

Sticking your head in the sand won't make it go away. Yeah it isn't nice that your child would rather play with a gate than play in the park but you come to accept it (talking about my son).

A parent cannot test for autism at home.

Not really I’m afraid, because some traits alone don’t equal a diagnosis, it’s about building a picture of multiple things, across settings and like I said, children are likely to do much better with their parents.

I guess in terms of what we are looking at in assessment- difficulties with social communication, social interaction and something called RRBI’s, which relates to some sensory preferences (maybe dislikes loud noise, specific food preferences, seeking sensations through movements like spinning, flapping arms, jumping, contorting fingers) and repetitive behaviours- this may include repeating the same play sequences or not really playing with toys , reduced imaginary play. in terms of social communication we’re looking at how motivated someone is to communicate with others for social purposes- so not just to get their needs met, instead for a relationship, having interest in others and wanting to join with them (I don’t think you at home would have a fair overview of this). Social communication is more lined to eye contact, response to name, listening, being self-directed, using gesture to communicate (nodding/shaking head) and other gestures to help describe things to others. Those are some examples. I honestly think you’re best to just get an opinion from someone else if nursery have given you examples already.

Please don’t worry, with your understanding if your child does have autism he best thing you can do for them is to know sooner and put the right support in place. You and they won’t change, they’ll still be the same and things ebb and flow, they will learn new skills and you’ll be able to look back and know that you did all the right things in good time. All of the children I see flourish with the right support and a parent to advocate for them (which comes from understanding them and what they need).

Why not work with the nursery staff who are more than like trained and educated in this? By the sound of your posts it seems you have one idea of what autism is and I can tell you categorically there are no two people that autism presents the same so it may be worth working with the professionals who know this stuff. Doesn’t mean your child 100% has autism but at least if it’s explored professionally then the support is there

I wish we had taken my daughter’s nursery more seriously when they flagged similar.
At the time (12 years ago) I’d not heard of autism and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to go to the doctors, but now if I got the same feedback I’d definitely go.
She was different in primary school and this might have helped her. She’s broadly doing ok now as a teenager but with blips.