AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

Just asking for a friend. She seems quite adept at 'defending' herself and her 'DH' if you actually read between the lines of her posts.

No, I’ve never done anything that impacts on my neighbours ability to enjoy their home. Ever and I’ve lived here 22 years. I could build an extension on my house if I wanted, I’d love one but it would impact both of my neighbours enjoyment of their gardens, which they’ve both spent many years cultivating and so, because i don’t wish to be an arse hole, we haven't built it.

You are right but so far DH has spoken to our direct neighbours and they seemed friendly even asked for his number, they got chatting and have similar interests + our eldest son is similar age to his youngest.

Again only time will tell and I want to make sure we are doing everything properly and aren’t being disrupted when it is not necessary. We are still only in the demolition stage so still early day.

Dh has come around a bit and we are hoping to pay a visit to all the direct neighbours on the street and say hi, introduce ourselves, explain things see if they have any questions and get to know them too and go from there. Some might not want to speak to us and that is okay but worth a try.

Of course I will defend myself and my husband

Asking for a friend? What does that mean?

Look, we are clearly very different people. I see someone defeated and worn-down, struggling to navigate a difficult project with a combative husband, unhappy neighbours, a busy job, who is pregnant with thee young kids. You see something different. I won’t bother you further.

I'm being facetious.

We have someone doing a massive rebuild of a house on our road at the moment. There are constant building works and lorries in the area. We have an active street Whatsapp. Some people have asked the odd question, but there has been no ill feeling or unpleasant comments. Nobody is bothered what the end result will be like or what tradespeople are being used. It is just accepted as part of life. It doesn’t always have to be so difficult.

But not necessarily. He could have hired local when available. He's tearing down and building a house, not waterworks or needing your equivalent of the Boilermakers.

There's ways to enter a community that you plan to live in and be a participating part of for a lifetime and ways to be distant from that community and OP and her husband sound like their house will be there but they're not putting down deep roots for the future. It's where they live and their kids will go to school but they're not going to be bringing in work with all this tear down and new build or community benefits. It's going to be at least temporarily worse and they have no plan to balance that.

I've got to ask the most pertinent and pressing question here to understand if the situations are comparable:

Did the husband component of this household ever tell an elderly couple (who are friends of the husband's wife' family) to fuck off?

No? Thought not...

You can criticise but you do not need to be nasty towards me.

I haven’t come here to be nasty or argue with people. I’ve apologised maybe I gave the wrong impression at the start. My bad. I posted here because I just needed an outlet I have been having other issues going on and just needed an outlet and found it easier to speak to strangers. You do not need to knock me when I’m already down you can simply ignore the post.

I did not think this post would get this much traction I just wanted to speak to a few people. I am struggling a lot and I’ve struggled to open up to friends etc. I didn’t come here to boast or give the wrong impression albeit that’s what I’ve done & sometimes txt is a hard medium to interpret.

We've one nice lady in our cul de sac who knows what everyone is doing day and night. I keep our bedroom curtains drawn. The neighbours opposite her do too. God help us if she ever gets a drone.

Just report the posts. It's what the mods ask us to do.

OP, can I suggest that you engage with the more positive or questioning comments and ignore the ones who are being deliberately spiteful and nasty rather than interested? Nothing will be gained by trying to discuss with people determined to be vindictive.

I agree we clearly weren’t thinking but within the local area there isn’t ‘specific tradesmen’ the local ones do work in London and other areas within the county.

We do want to be active within the community and hopefully make an impact in the long run and we will find our own ways of doing that.

I do understand how it looks and it’s definitely not something we did on purpose but it’s done now. We plan to try and introduce ourselves to all the neighbours on the road, answer any questions, learn about them and see how that goes. Some might not be interested. Our ‘next door’ neighbour has given DH his number as of today they seemed to have the same interests etc so maybe a friendship will start from that. We know we aren’t starting on the best of impressions but we’d like to improve that and if that doesn’t work then that’s also fine at least we tried.

Oh God our neighbour has bought one. When there was an issue due to a new housing estate being built across the road he flew the thing over our garden to view the new houses. He commented on something in our garden so obviously had a good look. The things should be banned.

Goodness there is a lot of judgment on this thread. I agree that it will probably be hell for your neighbours during the building work.
All you can do is to try & keep the direct neighbours informed about what is going on etc. Promise a wee welcome party once you have moved in & are settled. (I mean who doesn't like a good snoop round someone's new house?)
Maybe most importantly try & stop your husband from telling anyone else to
F Off.
I think many posters are not realising the real stress you & your DH are under, after all this is your dream home. I remember it being bad enough getting a new kitchen in a couple of years ago.
It will be worth it and hopefully your house will be everything you have both dreamed of & the neighbours forget the noise & dust.

I do not believe I have been nasty towards you, and that was not my intention.

I guess, as your predicament has highlighted, our intentions are known to us but open to interpretation by others.

I believe you have had sound advice from people who have not agreed with you but have provided valuable insight into your predicament. You have not once expressed any thanks but just reiterated your well worn trope of 'you don't have to interact with the thread' to people who have expressed some form of dissent. This comes across as insincere and passive aggressive to me. Sorry if you don't like it, but that is how I have interpreted your posts.

I am sometimes grateful that we don’t have the money to do any renovations in our house, though it would be lovely to have a bigger kitchen and have a large kitchen diner. The paperwork, the mess, issues with neighbours, never mind dealing with workmen and finances, it sounds like hell!

Wow, this seems to have triggered a lot of people whose areas have presumably been overrun with !architects! daring to renovate houses :) And people horrified because a local who moved away to London as a young person is now moving back with their family to the area where they grew up! Seems like an awful lot of pearl clutching about events that happen every single day with very little drama :) I’m so sorry that you are getting so much vitriol!
Tbh I wouldn’t be overly worried on its own about DH being rude to the neighbours given he seems to have sincerely apologized because it could also be considered rude of them to tell him to scale back plans which have already been approved.
However, you seem to be saying your DH of 16 years is suddenly behaving out of character, is short tempered, obsessive and is not sleeping. This could be totally off base and I really don’t want to add to your stress but perhaps look out for escalation just in case he is having a hypomanic bipolar episode. In case there is any personal/family history, this is the kind of situation that could trigger it. If so, the right medication and sleep are essential. The best of luck with everything.

Just ignore them. People always get arsey but they will get over it.

Just ignore them. People always get arsey but they will get over it.

It is hell these days. The bureaucracy. Getting quotes from the trades. The weather. We did it in 1998. I said to husband never again it rained from Easter to September that summer. Our builders, roofers, external workers were sick to death of it. A three month job took over five months. I had no kitchen in that time, two kids and a business to run.
When we downzized twenty years later DH had the bright idea of a big extension on stilts putting in a new wrap around kitchen. Ripping out a new kitchen. I went absolutely loco. We argued on and off for a few years about it. He was just retired, bored and had hobbies to bugger off to all day. As he did the first time we did a big project.

Now thank god he's slowed down somewhat. The ADHD is more muted.

That's totally understandable but I don't think there's any need to insult me or my husband with comments/digs like "you do you boo."

As you'll see if you have the time to look through the thread, if I've agreed with the criticism apparently I'm being too passive. If I've defended myself that's wrong too. It feels like I can't really have a say. I am not frequently on here when I have posted it’s been random stuff to do with children, teething advice that sort of stuff so I did not expect this many perspectives that’s all.

If you thought my original post was lacking context or deserved criticism that's absolutely fair but I'd rather people just said that from the start instead of making personal comments or digs or insults.

I've quite clearly come here because I don't really have another outlet for my thoughts or feelings at the minute. I genuinely didn't expect the thread to get this much attention.

I've had some really helpful replies and some genuinely good advice that I'll be taking on board. I may not have explicitly thanked everyone individually, but I have read the kind comments and the constructive criticism that has been offered without insults. I have had messages and have said thank you to the ones I have managed to read. But rightly pointed I probably haven’t said thank you too much on here directly and I think that’s mainly because of digs like these I have focused too much on that.

Again I didn't come here to argue or go back and forth with people that’s not me I am not quick witted enough for that nor do I have digs ahaha. I have no issue with disagreement. I just don't think it's necessary for it to become personal or include little digs.

There have been plenty of constructive criticisms that I've responded to and will take into account as we move forward with the house plans.