AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

I genuinely didn't mean it in the way you've taken it or as if you require my permission or anything of that sort, of course not! Text is a difficult medium sometimes to interpret at least for me and tone doesn't always come across as intended.

If I've come across as passive that certainly wasn't my intention. Or how I might have come across at the start that I do not care etc I of course care what future neighbours will think and I want to do my very best to avoid conflict. If they decide to dislike us once we’ve moved in that is their choice we cannot change that all we can do is be good neighbours and if not then they certainly have every be right not like us after the way my husband has acted out. It does affect my children later on if other parents decide to not want their children to hang out wish mine and that’s something we will have to navigate.

I'm happy for people to disagree with me. That's why I posted to get a bit of perspective and maybe just have outlet. I am not in the best of place right now (I am expecting anything for that before anyone starts) so I didn’t expect much response. What I'm struggling with is how the discussion has shifted from debating the situation to making assumptions about me, my character or my marriage and I guess I am to blame I didn’t give the best impression of myself.

I am not looking to argue with anyone or go back and fourth having to prove myself and I apologised earlier if my opening post gave the wrong impression.

I'm sorry OP. I think you lost everyone when you told us that your husband told an old couple to "Fuck Off"

Make sure you have air con included in your build plan OP!

In all seriousness, for your mental health I think you should step away from this thread.

Your house is going to be built regardless. Some people will not like it, but tough it’s happening regardless!

What your husband’s done is done. Nothing you can do to fix that now. Make sure you keep him in check so it won’t happen again.

As for your pregnancy, I had postnatal depression and struggled a lot with my second born as well. She’s 14 months now similar age to yours and the idea of getting pregnant again now fills me with anxiety and dread - so lots of sympathy from me here.

Understand you’re stressed and hormonal at the moment so just take it easy and don’t dwell on things beyond your control (and ignore trolls on here)

Lots of love

Friend bought a house that had been empty for years. You couldn't see it from the road for huge overgrown hedges. Ivy had covered the entire house including windows. There were rats. It just wouldn't sell because it wasn't cheap enough for developers. Any sane person ran a mile. Was the creepiest place. Birds, squirrels shared with the rats. Friend put in a low ball offer which after eight months was accepted.

After clearing it out, ripping up rotten floors to find the rats nests. Planning permission was sought for a two storey extension. Omg the objections from one neighbour who must have seen entertained the rats, looked at this god awful creepy house every day out of their windows were objecting to it l, oss of light on his frosted bathroom window. It was surreal.

They did get planning but it delayed things. I think the planning committee visit helped. 😁

Surely this must be playing into the bad feeling, you bringing people in from London instead of the community getting some financial benefit from the work instead of only all the hassle? It also does make it seem like you think you are better than everyone/people in the area are not good enough.

For what's its worth, I'm otherwise fairly sympathetic - I've got family members I can see acting like your DH and while I dislike it I don't think it makes them monsters. However, I personally couldn't stomach a partner being so casual about people's livelihoods as shared values are important to me. It sounds like he's enjoying the power a bit too much

would it be possible to set up a caravan on the property and live there throughout the building project so that you are at least seen to be suffering the same conditions that you are imposing on your neighbours?

Just read through all your responses, OP - sounds like you’re having a rough ride at the moment, both on this thread and in real life.

Your husband has lost it a bit - this build obviously means a huge amount to him. Have you asked him why this is so important to him? If he’s not usually like this, it feels like it is stirring something deeper up for him. Potentially something triggered by his dad dying, maybe?

And you’ve had a few tough years as well - three young kids, a full-on career and PND. That’s not easy breezy. To see negative comments on FB before you’ve even moved there…that would have mortified me too.

Look, you’ve done what you can. You’re trying to mitigate the impacts of the build on the neighbours
but at the end of the day, builds happen, all across the country every day. I hope the build goes with the minimum of issues and you make it out the other side with a beautiful home for your family. Your neighbours will get over it - it is just a house build, at the end of the day.

We aren’t using the local guys because DH and I do know others in London who we have previously worked closely with it. It wasn’t personal nothing against the local tradesmen.

I hope things do work out. I will be speaking to him again and get someone else to manage everything. He really isn’t usually like this, I was horrified too and embarrassed and quite upset too but my mind has been in a lot of places recently. It definitely doesn’t look good and it’s why I am extra stressed right now we’ve made the worst impression only way we can come back from it is after we move in we just mind our business.

Our children are the ones who will suffer the consequences of word gets around not many parents will wang their children hanging out with mine or inviting them to play dates or parties so that’s definitely something we will have to navigate I’m hoping it doesn’t go that far but who knows.

We’ve always had great relations with our neighbours so I know this definitely does not look good but we can’t go back in time, I think for now I can speak to my husband to take a back seat and let the professionals do the work he is getting himself worked up and so stressed over this and becoming spoilt brat not getting much sleep either. He has been staying up all night pretty much working on the house stuff, our youngest is teething so isn’t sleeping the best at the moment but since DH is up he on the computer messing around with designs or drawing extra ideas for the house, he just comforts him and I just go back to sleep.

Understandable

Are you only at demolition stage at the moment then ?

P.S. I hope you can talk to a friend about all this as well as using Mumsnet as an outlet, especially as people have given you a tough time on this thread. I'm glad he's comforting you but more importantly I hope he takes it to heart and changes his behaviour due to the effect on you if not the effect on others!

I think what your husband is forgetting when he’s ranting ‘it’s my fucking house I’ll do what I want with it’ is that it’s actually the forever home for your family. And whilst neighbours can change, they often stay the same for many years. And a forever home with neighbours that hate you can be very isolating. Nobody needs to be best friends with their neighbours but consideration from neighbours that respect you goes a long way.

Maybe try explaining to him that you’re excited for this to be your forever home too, but also excited to be part of the community. And that it’s incredibly upsetting to hear him burning so many bridges before you’ve even moved there. And also stressful to constantly be firing and rehiring people - not only is that a waste of time and money but you risk being left with lower quality work depending on who’s left. Then you’re left in a shoddy forever home with nobody liking your family.

Personally I’d have no qualms in telling my husband how deeply unattractive it is to see him throwing his weight around and talking to people in such a shitty manner. Genuinely would give me the ick 🤢 If you’re not feeling confrontational then maybe start with the upset and stress first.

I have spoken to a close friend a little bit who has been supportive I wanted to tell my other friends but I couldn’t. We recently went out for a meal and I did want to as they were all opening up about their own things going on but I couldn’t the words just wouldn’t come out so I left it.

I just thought I’d maybe feel better or more comfortable if I spoke to strangers which is why I came on here.

I will speak to my husband again and come up with a solution as he needs to take a back seat he’s constantly stressed, up till late doing designs in his office, drawing etc he has taken it too far.

Or they might genuinely care about the look of their street, trees that might be being removed, garden being destroyed, wildlife habitat going etc... How often have you seen houses torn down and something attractive to look at go up? Often a delight inside but absolutely ugly from the street and all within planning

Lovely patterns of housing and one out of keeping monstrosity..but permissible..though still unpleasant

It can be a huge sadness for neighbours for ethical reasons not jealousy etc..

The council will have notified the neighbours in writing.

Watch out
Very few councils do this these days.
Some just post a notice

Prepare for your neighbours to make your life hell once you move in

I agree with your husband

.... Damn that's a first

OP ..one thing that would have impressed me for little effort (when neighbours had their houses repointed and cause clouds of dust)...would have been an envelope pushed through with a "sorry about the building works" and a voucher for the car wash...our cars were coated..you could add flowers or something and say the works will be as respectful as possible. You could chose to show you care in some way...updates? Warnings of noisy works? Just a little consideration...maybe a drawing by your children of their new home used as the paper / note card you update on?
Do try and realise neighbours may be fond of the old place and that's natural ...if you rip things out ...offer plants and other things for people to reuse...seeing things trashed in skips can be especially upsetting. If trees are going ...expect upset
You can make this better more considerate.
Take care of yourself this sounds an enormous strain 💐

You think everyone else who is being disturbed and annoyed by the constant noise and disruption should “fuck off” because Op and her dh are London Architects so more knowledgeable and righteous than small village plebs?

I don't think they will be living in that sort of neighborhood. Sounds affluent.

None of the people we have hired are local. All from London or have connections with DH anyway from his previous clients

Another great way to make local buddies.

Seriously, really? You move from the big city and don't even use local workers and tradespeople on your teardown and rebuild? And you say you're from there? That's a bit hard to believe.

You guys are really good at getting your new neighbours backs up and alienating your new community. And it will be your kids that get the brunt of the ill feeling the two of you are building. Your new place will be more like the House of Ill Will the way you're going.

Not quite the same but our neighbours don't like us. I moved in on day one, DH arrived the following day and things turned very frosty. Very white area and DH isn't. They ignored us, complained about our sky dish, they both had one, wouldn't take parcels in. After 20 years they were more polite but silly little things like we all got two recycling boxes from the council, they didn't have tops and neighbours made lovely wooden lids for everyone in the cul de sac except us. We found it quite funny but I was upset on VE day 2020 when all the neighbours had a party on the two gardens/drives at the end of the cul de sac. We weren't invited and I'd been very isolated during COVID lockdown caring for my disabled husband.

Honestly in 30 years it hasn't made much difference to my life other than that VE day.

If people are so pathetic that they hate you because they don't like your house let them get on with it.

We are all living in properties that were built once upon a time unless we are living in caves.

They might be ok. Our neighbours knocked down the house they bought and replaced it with a huge, ugly modern thing. They were architects too. I hate the house. I don’t think they could have built anything much uglier. But I don’t hate the people. I get on fine with them. Just hate the house! (I’ve never told them).

When you’ve spoken to your new neighbours have you acknowledged the impact it’s going to have on them? Is any part of the works either during construction or after it’s built change anything with regards to their homes? You don’t seem to mention the impact it’s having on them at all. Will their gardens be impacted, will it remove any part of their view from their homes? You’re not the main characters here. I’m very sorry that you’re having a bit of trouble in your personal life but that annd your pregnancy are irrelevant to why you posted! Your husbands being a dick to people who have done nothing wrong because he’s selfish and whilst you’ve got planning permission, that doesn’t mean you’re not impeding on other people. You keep banging on about it being your dream, your forever home but don’t give a shit about anyone else’s dreams or forever homes and I’m sorry but if it does have any impact on anyone else’s property or street then you can be ‘good’ neighbours all you want. Are your neighbours going to be able to utilise their gardens during summer whilst your building works going on? Or is their summer fucked now whilst you live nicely in your quiet home?