AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

I think there are some fair points in what you’ve said. Personally I have ben struggling with seeing him like this. It has definitely made things harder, and I do feel quite upset, I have cried a few times, about how things have been recently, ironically hes been the one to comfort me . I’m not really sure what’s going on with him at the moment, as this isn’t how he usually is.
I don’t know whether it’s just stress or pressure from everything going on, or if there’s something more to it, but either way it’s been difficult to see this side of him.
We’re talking about it, and I’m hoping things will calm down once some of the pressure is off and he can take a bit of a step back.

It’s not a wider relationship issue, it really is just stress around the house. That said, I do agree it can’t just be brushed off either, because it’s clearly affecting how things are being handled and how it’s coming across to other people as well as to me.

We’ve talked about it and will keep talking about it. He’s very emotionally invested in the project, probably more than is healthy at times, and when things don’t go to plan it’s been difficult for him to manage that frustration. I think it’s coming from a place of it being something he’s put a huge amount of thought, time and hope into, so when there’s resistance or changes it feels quite personal in the moment.

That said, it’s not a pattern in our relationship. We’ve been together a long time and this isn’t how he normally is. It’s very much something that’s been brought out by this particular situation, rather than who he is day to day.

Going forward, the aim is to take some of the emotion out of it where we can, step back a bit, and let the professionals do their job properly. Hopefully that will make things feel calmer for everyone involved, including us, and stop it all feeling quite so charged.

Why have you been so passive throughout all this, why haven't you pulled him up on his behaviour?

Your DH seems to be mega-stressed about building this dream forever house. How do you think it will be for your family living in it when it doesn't match up to the perfect picture in his head?

"IleSolitude · Today 15:26
OP, reading between the lines, your posts feel like a cry for help over your husband, not your potential neighbours. Bear with me, because the first part of this will feel like I'm catastrophising.
Please take a step back and consider one thing at a time. First, is your husband's behaviour genuinely out of character or is this symptomatic of a deeper problem? If it is, please believe me I know the temptation to just struggle on and convince yourself that everything will be ok - until the problem is unignorable - if you've got real fundamental concerns, please don't ignore them, because the situation will only get worse. If he's actually a nasty bully, take action now - you're worth more than that. Stop the building works before any more money gets spent and take stock of what you need to happen now in your life.
Ok, so let's assume now that that's not the case, and it really just is this project that is causing this behaviour and you're confident it's a one-off. In that case, you need to sit him down and explain the consequences of his behaviour on you (the stress it's causing you) and how ironic it would be if he allowed your shared dream home to be the cause of so much damage to your marriage (because it will be; if he continues like this you'll end up so angry and he will have lost so much of your respect that it will cause long-term damage). Instead of being "patient' with him, be vocal about what he stands to lose if he carries on like this. For the sake of your marriage (and for the sake of the project, for the good reasons many have pointed out already) he needs to Calm the Fuck Down.
He can do that by taking a step back and having the project managed by someone who is less emotionally involved, being ready to accept that it's not the end of the world if some things are unachievable, to look at the big picture, and politely grey rock negative comments.
I think you need to help him understand that you guys are in a very fortunate position and it would be such a shame to mess that up because he loses sight of what's actually important."

Another here who thinks @IleSolitude has nailed the real issue. It doesn't sound like you're able to talk to your husband about this in a sensible way.

And it's not just your marriage he might mess up. He has been behaving extremely badly. You (rightly) don't like what you're seeing. This is not just about bricks and mortar. You are moving back to be part of the community. You want that for your family. (Otherwise, why move back to your home town?). It will be a better experience for you and your family if you have not massively alienated everyone in the area by acting as if the only people who matter at all are you and your family and everyone else can just go hang (which is how your husband is behaving). Of course, you and your family are your and your DH's priority but there is a balance between that and showing basic courtesy and consideration to your new neighbours - your DH's "screw everyone else" attitude is arrogant, obnoxious, unpleasant and, long-term, likely to be counterproductive. Employing some local tradespeople would be likely to win favour; importing tradespeople from London will just give your neighbours another reason to gripe. This all sounds fixable at this point but if things go on this way they may cease to be fixable and you might just be creating a huge nightmare for yourselves.

It was frustratingly slow for everyone. English Heritage were giant pains in the arse and so many investigations that we could only do as we went. I don't know if that's typical. I honestly don't have any complaints about either the builders or architects, but the process was not fun.

Anyway, I hope the OP gets things sorted. I still want to know who her DH is firing at this point in the project?

@WarmLimeLurker - sorry, I missed your update whilst I was writing my post.

"I think there are some fair points in what you’ve said. Personally I have ben struggling with seeing him like this. It has definitely made things harder, and I do feel quite upset, I have cried a few times, about how things have been recently, ironically hes been the one to comfort me . I’m not really sure what’s going on with him at the moment, as this isn’t how he usually is.
I don’t know whether it’s just stress or pressure from everything going on, or if there’s something more to it, but either way it’s been difficult to see this side of him.
We’re talking about it, and I’m hoping things will calm down once some of the pressure is off and he can take a bit of a step back."

But again - you do sound a bit passive about this - are you really making clear how unpleasant he is being and the impact it is having on you? If he's comforting you when you cry about this, why can he not see the harm he is doing and adjust his behaviour? Don't indulge him or excuse him (or allow him to do so) by saying he just wants what's best for your family. We all want what's best for our families. It's not a licence to be horribly unpleasant to third parties. And long-term it is not the way to achieve what you want. It will be counterproductive.

Have cost projections gone up massively since you started the planning? They seem to be increasing at an astronomical rate at the moment in direct proportion to skilled labour decreasing (which is why I think it's not a great idea to be firing people at the moment). Do you think financial anxiety is starting to creep in?

My two cents is that you guys need a really good builder/construction company, a QS and a project manager. I would think between you, you must know quite a few? Architects project managing builds never seems to work out. Our builders were amazing with our neighbours when our project dragged on, which really bought us some goodwill. Hire wisely.

You have got planning and altered your plans when there was objection. Fair enough.

I can see it from the both sides - you say that the majority of owners are older so maybe retired and having to listen to building work day in day out is not an exciting prospect. Also they maybe worried that this is the start of their neighbour changing and this is the start of young people moving in and the old community dying out.

I think you need to have a serious sit down with your dh. He needs to remove all emotion from this hard as it is. Someone complains to him like that couple. A simple we are sticking with our approved plans but thank you for your input is suffice. Hiring and firing people is going to prove a major problem and drag out the job. I would take over this as much as you can. He is going to easily get a bad name and good trades people will not touch him.

Well the OP agreed I gave a point, so...

Quite normal for most but especially Grade 2*

It belongs in the same Box of Cringe as fur baby and Mama Bear.

Your husband sounds like a nasty bully. No wonder the locals don’t want you to move there as he’s already been so unpleasant. I think you’ll have your work cut out trying to fit in and find friends when the house is done, even more so if he has further outbursts while the house is being done.

Your poor parents must be so embarrassed by his behaviour towards their friends.

Where to start! It's just going to get worse as the build gets to 75% complete.

I have very little sympathy for both of you having been absolutely mucked around by our architects.

I think it’s coming from a place of it being something he’s put a huge amount of thought, time and hope into, so when there’s resistance or changes it feels quite personal in the moment.
I liked this quite because as a client, we put a huge amount of thought, time, hope and money into a project sadly our architect didn't but he certainly took the money and time with poor quality.
So we,'ve had to continually steer them back to the initial brief Including a utility room. Double check everything, including the utility room and for them at the last moment to pass a query at buildings reg stage for them to shrink the bloody building so guess what, it's not going to be a useful sized utility room. There is so much more and yes we will be telling everyone for years to come.

I'm hoping that this process, as you pay and live with your work really informs your work in the future.

Every project needs someone to blame and currently the architect is leading the pack by some margin

@GranDesign you make an excellent point and I love your user name 🤣

The neighbours have your DH marked out forever as a big time Charlie. Whether he’s from London or Godalming is irrelevant, he will always be a big time Charlie to them. At least you’ll have the biggest house on the street when you realise how annoying he is.

You have a right to build your home. Your neighbours have a right to dislike it.

I just agreed so you wouldn’t interact much with the post or go back and fourth with me

You obviously wanted to be nasty so I accepted it it’s the internet

Just caught up with the thread - he really needs to take a step back.

What would he say to a client who was micromanaging, firing people talking sense and hiring 'yes men' who tell him what he wants to hear and then potentially cause trouble either doing a shoddy job or doing something that won't work/cause building regs issues etc?

He would tell them to step the fuck back and let a project manager deal with it, and that is what he needs to do, before he screws up a/your marriage and b/the whole build.

And seriously think about hiring some local tradies as that goes a LONG way toward mending bridges vs bringing in 'out of town' trades.

Yes to all of this

Some people, despite plans being accepted by LA, will find fault and kick a fuss to simply be arsy………envy isn’t an attractive trait in anyone! Crack on with your building project, ensure minimal disruption to the street, ensure contractors are considerate and polite and the neighbours shouldn’t have any cause to complain. Enjoy your new home 💐🍾

I think it was naive to expect that you'd be accepted by the neighbours after years of disruption for the build and installing a potential eyesore on their street.

Talk of being 'respectful' and 'minimising disruption' is nonsense. It will be a nightmare for them and you'll always be the family responsible.

have you read about dh ?

I hope you're realising how awful your DH is and that this massive house is worth it when you're stuck with him forever.

Being fair, just because plans are accepted by the LA doesn't mean they're good. Our neighbours when we lived in Chelsea got permission to vent their massive kitchen extractor fan straight into one of our bedroom windows.

There's a lot being assumed about me.
I'm struggling with other things at the moment. I recently found out I'm pregnant, and I haven't even told my husband yet because I'm still trying to work out how I feel about it. Our youngest son isn't even two. I had postnatal depression after he was born, and it was by far the hardest time I've been through with any of my pregnancies.

Then I'm hearing about how my husband has been behaving. It's not a side of him I've ever known. We've been together for 16 years, but I suppose you never truly know another person.

It's all just too much at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm coming across as passive

He has acted out, he’s apologised, there’s nothing more he can do now other than change neither of us can go back in time. The couple he was rude to, have been interacting with us and my parents and they’ve accepted the apology, DH apologised on his own, we didn’t have to force him or anything. I think for us we just want to make our place how we want, it’s not going to glass of any of the new “modern” stuff and when we do move in we will keep to ourselves and not cause any issues. We’ve never had issues with neighbours but I guess it’s out fault. I’m not here to argue with anyone or go back and fourth proving that the person I’ve been with for 16 years isn’t always like this.

I just needed an outlet I guess.

Agree