AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

so behave AFTER you've moved in?
"all we can do is be respectful neighbours"..... someone needs to tell your husband this as he's clearly NOT getting the message!

Never mind 'money talks'. In your husband's case it shouts abuse and fires people. I bet everyone who works for him absolutely hates his guts.

OP, your plans were passed and all you have to do now is manage neighbours' attitudes. What a friend did when their build was taking longer than expected was provide car wash vouchers to neighbours when the site started becoming dusty. This act recognised the disruption being caused to others.

In support, I live in a city that is renown for the uniform look of its houses. Someone somehow got planning permission to build a shocker of a mostly glass house, over a decade ago. I drove past it yesterday and there is nothing to make it stand out from its neighbours now. Trees in the grounds have grown as tall as the second floor, neutral coloured blinds from floor to ceiling on street facing walls, and the rawness has mellowed. It fits in, and I had not expected that to happen.

I think you will have a similar experience. Good Luck!

I have spoken to my parents and they've been very supportive. It might surprise some people but they do genuinely like my husband. Yeah they were upset and annoyed about what happened but they've liked him for the past 16 years, and one incident isn't going to change that.

This is the thread that just keeps giving.
😂😂😂

Bet his clients are going to love him when they find out how he's been treating people recommended to him!

I commented about you speaking to your parents because you said

‘ I have thought about it and yes maybe my parents are embarrassed’

So you don’t know atm

How lovely that you will in your London flat whilst all the noisy, messy building work takes place many miles away so you don’t have to experience any of it. Your neighbours will be the one poking up with it all, I hope it’ll be worth having your neighbours hate you!

Oh @WarmLimeLurker he's acting like the unhinged clients my architect DS describes to us sometimes. It's not taken personally usually but the contractors will dodge any future quotes for projects his name is attached to.

You're an architect yourself, I think you should step in rather than be so passive.

Maybe i misread your question. I thought you asked me if my parents are embarrassed. I do not know but I feel as though they would have said.

In terms of what is happening right now, I have talked to my parents about it, Dh was rude to a couple they know so they are well aware of what is going on

OP have your parents been supportive of you and your concerns about your DH’s behaviour and how it is upsetting you?

Yes, your husband could have been nicer to the couple. But also, i dont blame him. I would not be tempted to be too nice for two busybodies asking me to change my entire house. So if telling them to fuck off was the worst he did, then i don't really see this as an massive issue or "showing his true self".

Yeah, it sucks for the neighbours to live in a construction site for years. It kinda sucks when a lovely house is.torn doen to build one of those boxes. But none of their business. If they have a problem they can complain to the council. You have followed the rules. It is nice to he considerate of neighbours and follow noise rules etc. but that is it. Just build the house you want.

That being said, i would never live in a place where people have a standing in community and children's sunday school somehow matters and everyone knows everyone and are up in eachothers business. And im willing to bet when you live there, you will find the community in there is just an illusion.

Your neighbours won’t like you but surely you knew that from the start.

Your husband sounds delightful. You do know you will never truly be happy in this new mansion of yours? It’ll be a valuable life lesson in what really matters in life. So there is that.

Whilst not ideal for your neighbours, it won't last forever. You seem considerate and once the building work is done, it's done. People do renovations on houses all the time.
Carry on being considerate, but don't be too apologetic. You're not doing anything that people on Love it or List it don't do all the time!

I'm confused, the local who your husband so rudely swore at asked you to scale things back, and when you were asked about the concerns your mentioned the treehouse. But that treehouse wasn't part of your approved design so clearly wasn't what the neighbour was asking about.

What were the neighbours concerns?

Your van get all the permission you want, it doesn't mean people have to like you, or befriend you, and living in a place where all your neighbours hate you week be hell for your kids growing up. I don't think you're approaching this with the right attitude.

This isn't a local family living on site or nearby, battling a build whilst juggling their children, and who are equally inconvenienced when things are loud, messy etc. From their perspective you are rich Londoners (despite your protestation you are clearly both), to buy a house just to rip it down, because it's not good enough. It doesn't matter how loud they are, how disruptive, you're the only ones that get to live in peace. And the law allows that. But it doesn't stop it being absolutely shit for them, so perhaps come in with an ounce of humility and community spirit.

Well there's a HUGE difference in restoring a derelict inhabitable property & destroying a family home to build an architectural monstrosity that's out of place in the location.

They're knocking it down because it doesn't suit their family lifestyle 🙄🙄 instead of leaving it for another family's adult children who want to move back to their family & area they grew up in & live in a perfectly nirmal
house amongst other perfectly normal houses at an affordable price.

but the OP & her DH have inherited enough money to buy the house as a cash buyer & destroy it, to build their EGO driven monstrosity in its place.

then wonder why the neighbours aren't thrilled she's moving 'home' 🙄🙄

I'm confused about who he's firing at this point in the build?

I assume you're using a proper builder with a proper dedicated team who will stay on site until the job is completed and that he's not fired six different companies?

I agree and perhaps that's a lesson we both need to take on board.
I'm upset by the way my husband has been acting as well. It's not ideal and I'm hoping he'll calm down now and just let the professionals get on with their job.

Instead of 'hoping' he'll calm down you should tell him that he's destroying your future chance of happiness with his attitude. He's making you embarrassed and making the neighbours hate you. If that doesn't bother him then it should.

It does sound as though your DH is a bit out of his depth. It’s entirely possible that the suggestion to “scale back” by the neighbours was well meant, ie he might find people would be less resistant to a slightly smaller project. Instead their tactful suggestion was met with abuse. That kind of hair trigger response won’t get him anywhere.

None of you want to live under this level of stress. I agree with those suggesting he employ a project manager, one with good people skills. You concentrate on charming the neighbours. They might hate the house but they don’t necessarily have to hate you.

A lot of it comes down to the local planning authority as well. What one council is happy to approve another might not be so some of the changes were simply because of the area and the planning policies

This is what baffles me the quirks of planning authorities are well known. Why @WarmLimeLurker husband appears so incensed by them on this occasion shows bad judgement.

I wouldn't be so patient with this toddler behaviour.

A Reflecting Pool? An Ultimate Fighting Champion (UFC) Arena? He sounds as unpleasant and entitled as Donald Trump.

OP, reading between the lines, your posts feel like a cry for help over your husband, not your potential neighbours. Bear with me, because the first part of this will feel like I'm catastrophising.

Please take a step back and consider one thing at a time. First, is your husband's behaviour genuinely out of character or is this symptomatic of a deeper problem? If it is, please believe me I know the temptation to just struggle on and convince yourself that everything will be ok - until the problem is unignorable - if you've got real fundamental concerns, please don't ignore them, because the situation will only get worse. If he's actually a nasty bully, take action now - you're worth more than that. Stop the building works before any more money gets spent and take stock of what you need to happen now in your life.

Ok, so let's assume now that that's not the case, and it really just is this project that is causing this behaviour and you're confident it's a one-off. In that case, you need to sit him down and explain the consequences of his behaviour on you (the stress it's causing you) and how ironic it would be if he allowed your shared dream home to be the cause of so much damage to your marriage (because it will be; if he continues like this you'll end up so angry and he will have lost so much of your respect that it will cause long-term damage). Instead of being "patient' with him, be vocal about what he stands to lose if he carries on like this. For the sake of your marriage (and for the sake of the project, for the good reasons many have pointed out already) he needs to Calm the Fuck Down.

He can do that by taking a step back and having the project managed by someone who is less emotionally involved, being ready to accept that it's not the end of the world if some things are unachievable, to look at the big picture, and politely grey rock negative comments.

I think you need to help him understand that you guys are in a very fortunate position and it would be such a shame to mess that up because he loses sight of what's actually important.

If your house is seen as valuable when it is finished, you may find that your neighbour's plot is redeveloped in a similar way. If that happens, you will find that it frays your peace of mind for years and then compromises your light, views and privacy. I wonder if you will find it easy to accept that?