AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

But it’s not just about how it looks! (Unless you think you are a brand?) The religious attendance also seems to be for show?

It sounds like people are judging you and your DH for your actions and attitudes rather than your connections.

As others have alluded to, people sometimes show their true colours when stressed (or not getting their own way).

Best it disappears now.

If he can't handle a stressful project he's in the wrong job

And why does he want to be hated even more by your neighbours?

I think that, and honestly I really do mean this kindly, that you are being a little bit naive here.

Any project that is going to dramatically change a house or a rebuild on a previous site will upset the neighbours. People aren't going to like. We bought our house knowing that the plot across the road from ours could be built. So it will happen one day and we went into it knowing that, but I'm not going to lie, we'll be really upset when it happens - it's inevitable! We prefer the peace and quiet and things to stay as they are. We wouldn't say anything to the person building on it as long as it was done by the book, but would we be happy? No.

There is really nothing you can do about that. You are being a little unreasonable to expect people to approve or resign themselves to it just because it's been approved by the council.

I would guess that once you have invested all this time and money in building your dream house, if someone buys the house next to you, pulls it down and starts on a several year-long build that you wouldn't exactly be happy about it. Even if you recognise they have the right to do so.

Now I am not saying that you are wrong to do it. Change is inevitable. If it was you guys and this house, it could be someone else doing it or another house, or a developer buying the fields out the back. Change comes at some point.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I personally think there's only two things to do about it now:

1. You try to make your peace with the fact that people are not going to be happy with it.
2. Your DH reins it in with his attitude.

People's feelings don't change just because permission was given. Yes, as everyone has said, you're within your rights to rebuild and they can't stop you. But neither can you stop them feeling unhappy, angry, resentful, or whatever. You will have the house you want but you will also live in a village with people who don't like you. They'll have to get used to the house. You'll have to get used to the resentment.

Did he want to apologise or did you make him apologise?

I dont know why youre insisting you aren't spoiled Londoners.

You both are.

Who cares where you grew up or where your fathers father came from or where your parents live? You're Londoners.

The only reason yiu can do what youre doing is through unearned inherited wealth, which is the definition of spoiled.

You cojld have bought land to build your "forever home", instead you decided to rip down a house and cause huge disruption to a community "because you can". I wouldn't be welcoming you with open arms, and knowing you were born in the area wouldn't make me soften

I read all of your comments OP.

The one thing that shouts at me is how much onus you put on reputation, locals, knowing people. You seem to think your parents are some kind of god because they live in a community. Get over it, life doesnt work like that much anymore and it sounds like your DH is getting undermined because of it.

You went through planning process. It was approved. Some arsehole neighbours came and immediately gave opinions on what your should/shouldnt be doing. Your DH quite rightly told them to go away.

Get on with your build and stop undermining it. Your DH and yourself can limit disruption if you so wish and you can choose builders who can work in a less disruptive manner. Just move on and screw the neighbours. They will or wont get over it. TBH who cares, you will have your nice house, your family and who wants neighbours who try to dictate what you can and cant do.

But please, stop making out your family are some kind of mafia who can influence everything. People like that end up being told where to go quite quickly

So all the posters saying work will
be disruptive etc etc.

Should people never do building works at all?

I feel you have posted this because it is concerning you, and you are conflicted between adhering to your own intutition about the impact of your husband's conduct and his very brazen attitude that he does not care about what people think. This is not going to be easy to reconcile because fundmentally you are a nicer person and you do care. You can't make yourself like him no matter how hard you try. Do not dampen your own character, intuition or personal judgement to appease your husband. If you dimiss your neighbours like your husband does you will find this situation very difficult to navigate in a way that husband does not.

To me it seems like this issue has brought to the surface an underlying issue of your compatability. Things are not going his way and he is lashing out horribly. I don't want to be negative but please think what would happen one day if you decide to disagree with him? Do you become the enemy or do you lose yourself to constantly be on his good side? How embarrassing for your parents. I would be absolutely livid about his behaviour.

People do that all the time around my way but no one is so mean spirited as to begrudge them a nice home.

Gosh OP what a pile-on!

I expect people are jealous that you can afford to do that at your young age.

Also, all the noise and disruption.

You're in the worst stage of it all now. Once the building is complete and the dust has settled, things will gradually improve. As long as your DH puts on a happy face from now on 😁

OP, I don't think you have done anything wrong extending a property in a country with a housing crisis. All of the 'locals' on here fawning over 'period' properties are partly to blame for the state housing in the UK is in. I'm quite proud of friends who have had listings on properties they bought reversed. 'Listed properties' were always bourgeois nonsense.

However, your posts have raised some questionable attitudes.

Of course you are funding this with an inheritance. It is the only way you could possibly be funding it. Why do you need to mention you 'invested' it for 12 years?

Plus, what's all this about it being your 'first proper home'? Why weren't your previous homes 'proper homes'. Do you correlate expenditure with the validity of a home? In which case I can see why you are getting people's backs up.

Nobody has to accept anything. Just because you’ve obtained permission and everything is legal that doesn’t mean they have to like it or shut up about it.

Sure, you might be in the right, but you’re going to be living next to these people forever, so is it worth it to live in that kind of atmosphere and have your children grow up in it too?

The church attendance is when we are at my parent's, our eldest son goes to Sunday school, he has taken a liking to it and enjoys playing and making friends.

I am not pleased with how he has been acting, he has since 'fired' six people and hired 6 other 'yes men' I am trying to be as calm about it as I can and we have had discussions, he has admitted he is very stressed and says to me he is sorry and is all loving with me but I do not think it is good that we are constantly hiring people if they say they cant do this that and the other, he just finds someone 'better' as he puts it.

I think there are a lot of probably unmendable bridges that have come about as a result of both the neighbourhood stress caused by the building work and your husband's outburst.

How long is the built predicted to take?

I think you need to hire a proper project manager who is nearby and get your DH out of it. He seems oddly incapable for someone in the business.

It is our forever home, where we want our children to grow up. All the other flats have been in London, we never intended for our children to be in London.

If that came out wrong, I apologise, not my intention at all more so context

What type of house would you like to live in OP? Is this your absolute dream too? Because if it isn’t, I’d stall everything and talk.

As others have said, your relationship is probably not going to survive a build. Get a project manager in for both your sakes.

I expect her and her husband not to tell people to fuck off when they voice their concerns, to have a little humility and respect for their neighbours, to listen to them, to try and understand why they are unhappy and limit to disruption to a minimum.

It certainly is but good luck getting anyone to enforce it. Council noise enforcement only works 9 to 5 Mon to Fri.

I reported our NDN but one and the council said I'd have to call the police. Can you see the police coming out for an angle grinder?

Triggered!!
I literally have an angle grinder a few metres behind my garden office atm.
The police may have to attend when grab it and run amok round the village!
It's a 2 bed terrace....what the fuck are they even angle grinding for days on end.

For anyone doing a username search on me (if you're bored like...) this is also the house of the wind chimes!

And.....breathe......

☹️

I hope it does all blow over for your sake.

Is he like one of the Grand Designs people? Some of the men (and sometimes women)

are very intense, it made for uncomfortable viewing. But they all seem calm once the house is ready.

Well your DH sounds like an AH and you come across as pretty entitled too so regardless whether you grew up there or not, I can understand why the neighbours don’t want you around

You say this is your forever home but think ahead 3 or 5 years when people still have memories of these two entitled (and in your DH’s case pretty aggressive) people who think they can throw their money around and everyone has to be happy with the disruption to their lives that an extensive building project creates.

These people will be the parents to your children’s friends, your neighbours, the people you see in the pub - memories last and you run the risk of being ostracised even if you do have a link to the place

Fair enough you want to create something but it is your DH attitude of fuck everyone and your attitude of well I used to live here so nobody should be upset with me is what causes you both to be CFs

You are the neighbour from hell and everyone will hate you. People will eventually die or sell up so you'll make friends in 10-20 years, maybe. If you gave a shit, you wouldn't be doing this at all. Crack on.