AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

I don’t mean this glibly. But before you undertake this big project with your DH, are you sure he’s the man for you? You sound nice, him not so much,

Your husband sounds rather a dick. Does he not handle stress well?

Not a great start with the stresses to come of the build! Are you sure you want to go ahead with this? Are you sure you don’t want the thread moved to the Relationships board?

Incidentally, in my head this is all happening in the Farnham area.

@WarmLimeLurker go ahead with your build. Be considerate in how you do it of course, but carry on.

People do not like change.

I moved house ten years ago.... a couple of months after, it was Christmas and I put coloured fairy lights up in the window.. I'd always preferred white lights, but we'd had a bereavement and the kids wanted some cheer.

I had a knock on my door to be told by my neighbour 'we don't do coloured lights around here as they are not classy' and that the neighbours around me had agreed that needed to remove them if i wanted to fit in.

You've got planning permission. Building works are disruptive for everyone -but they come to an end. Just work with your builder to ensure they are considerate around parking and noise management. And if you are staying in london whilst the build is being done, make sure your neighbours either side have your builders number in case of any issues impacting them.

True colours and all that

This.

just because you have council
permission doesn't mean your neighbours have to be happy losing the house that's there & having some modern architectural monstrosity there instead.

He definitely has his moments!

In all seriousness, this isn't how he normally is. He's been incredibly emotionally invested in this idea for years and I think when some of the plans had to change and people started objecting he became defensive and handled it badly. That's not an excuse and I've told him I think he was completely in the wrong with the elderly couple.

He's actually a lovely husband and dad the other 99% of the time. This whole house project seems to have brought out a side of him that I'd quite like to disappear once it's all over! We have children too, its a bit late to question whether he is the man for me, its been 16 years.

This is the problem part:
"AIBU to think that once planning permission has been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?"

Just because planning is granted, they don't have to just accept it without opinion. They're completely entitled to an opinion. If I felt something ruined our road I wouldn't give a shit if it was your treasured forever home. I'd still be entitled to think it might be too big, an eyesore etc. Likewise, you can crack on and build as you have permission. Doesn't mean they have to welcome you with open arms.
Just be respectful during the build with minimal disruption and hopefully they'll see you can all live in harmony.

(I say this as my neighbour told me he can do whatever he likes, he doubled the size of his house, didn't use the specified materials, had workman 7 days a week until 10pm and had trades parking in our drive - he thought we should just let him get on with building his forever home).

But this is just the start of the project! I’d read back through all your posts then tell me the REAL problem. Sorry, OP.

Imagine if a poor person moved into an area and began telling the locals to fuck off. Does your DH know how awful his behaviour is, or does he thinks it’s acceptable because he’s an architect from that London?

He needs to try and see things from their point of view at the moment all he is thinking about is that it's your home. He needs to remember that their houses are also their homes and they have been so for a long time. All they want to do is live in them peacefully. The work you are having done is majorly disrupting their lives and your husband doesn't seem to appreciate that or be willing to do anything to mitigate it.
Falling out with your neighbours before you even move on is not a good look.

Now my dh would have reassured the neighbours that once the house was built they would understand our concept and he would hope they could be patient and reserve judgement.
Not 'Oh f off, I can do what I like.'

Imagine employing an architect like the dh. Awful.

Op, I hope it goes well for you but your dh needs to learn some humility.

In a year or two, when one of your neighbours starts work on an extension, you're going to look back at this time and cringe a little. Any building work is noisy and dirty and takes longer than planned. Your builders' vehicles will disrupt local parking. Your deliveries will block the roads. There is no advantage to the area of you doing this project. Your neighbours feel powerless because their objections have been unsuccessful (even if those objections were unreasonable).

I have lived next door to lovely neighbours who built an extension. It was not a pleasant experience and these were established friends. The eventual gain for me was that my friends stayed living in that house and I didn't have to get used to new neighbours. Your new community don't know yet if you are going to become lovely neighbours.

Yeah banging a modern architects square glass box in the middle of rural housing stick isn't going to improve the value of other people's homes.

Neighbours have long memories, and grudges can last even longer. It won't feel like a dream home if you can't enjoy it without sneers, gossip, and lingering ill will. Living next to people who won't be neighbourly and they have a constant reminder by way of there being a big new house

And to top it all off, a husband who can't control his temper and tells people to f* off. Not exactly the fresh start you'd hope for.

What do people expect her to do ? Not build her house ? , Change design to suit other people ? Increase her costs by restricting builders time ? Just totally unrealistic. Some posters are saying that OP and people like her are selfish but I think it can be the other way round . An attitude of I am OK in my street so nobody else can come and change anything . Too bad . It's called urban living and it's part of life . Everyone seems to be so oversensitive these days . See all the threads about people using their gardens . Complaining about kids playing and shouting a bit much , BBQs , lawnmowers , dogs,etc. Who the hell do these complainers think they are ? Pity everyone doesn't sit quietly reading books and children make no noise .

The only objection should be unreasonable hours .

Why relationship ? I came here about the house.

I hope he can chill after a while he seems quite stressed out recently. He goes to the house almost everyday to meet different people and just wants it to be 'perfect' he is spending a lot of money on this

Oh yes we have all come across this type before. Very nice to his family, but the true colours show when he interacts with people who don't have the same level of emotional investment in him....

He is not a nice man if he behaves in such a rude, arrogant, selfish and dismissive way towards neighbours, people who have lived there a long time.. How dare they question your husband? It does not sound like a 'one and done' situation, it sounds very much like your husband's character is quite unpleasant and it manifests itself outwardly towards people whom he sees a nuisance to his plans and goals. I have seen many men who behave like this and it is a really undesirable trait.

That's exactly what happened with neighbours two doors down from us. Their plans to turn their property into what everyone now calls The Library caused absolute chaos for the whole street.

We had a green in the centre of our road, and flat bed lorries were parking on it, churning it up. They changed approved items (like a completely different coloured roof which they had to strip off and replace). Added in a rear balcony that completely overlooked our neighbours garden. The builders were horrendous - left drains uncovered and there were rats everywhere - no one could leave their doors open because of this.

They had an electrician in who was arriving in a Council van and delivering cables (well he was until I rang the Council to ask if they now did rewiring).

The worst was our poor neighbours were in their 80s and their quality of life was destroyed. The lovely lady who lived there used to spend her summer tending her garden and sitting in a gazebo drinking tea and reading. This was impossible with what the builders were doing. She died before it was finished, and the new owners were surprised that the rest of the neighbours didn't want anything to do with them. That was eight years ago and they're still ignored now. Tossers.

And that’s before the build has even begun. Oh dear. I foresee problems ahead if he doesn’t have a very serious change of attitude.

I live next door to an architecturally‘interesting’ new build, built by the architect owners. I’d say that they seem perfectly popular and integrated into the road but the house isn’t very popular. In villages like mine and yours almost all the older houses that are sold then undergo extensive renovations. No doubt the neighbours suffer but the way in which it is handled is crucial.

Maybe your DH needs a period of reflection on whether he will ever be happy if he is hated by everyone in the area because he’s a rude and arrogant arse? He needs to change and fast.

I agree

Yes, because they're selfish bellends, destroying a perfectly good house because it's not good enough for them. They buy it, destroy it, build some modern monstrosity, create an eye sore for the neighbours & at least a year of upheaval while they live miles away in London. Then act surprised neighbours are pissed off 🙄🙄🙄

Oh gosh now it's even worse. If this is how he's speaking to people before anything difficult actually happens, how on earth is he going to speak to them when there's a real problem - rats or noise or a lorry backing into someone's garden or a car getting scratched or whatever. A big build project is intensely stressful for every single person involved and he's already not doing a great job of it.

There is no chance you won't be the most hated people in the area if this is how things are going to be.

Just because you can do something, it does not mean that you should.

There's a charmer.