AIBU to think the new school WhatsApp mum is overstepping?

[Susan716]

Really weird incident happened my my daughters new school so I wanted some insight and reassurance it’s not a sign of things to come:

We have a WhatsApp group set up from an event in May where all parents are already in and not much activity apart from “did everyone get their forms in” type questions and “does anyone know what clubs the school does” it’s all very casual and parents with older children already at the school have been helpful.

yesterday we found out the form classes our children are in and we met our form teacher in person. Someone in main chat suggested this is a good time to create sub groups for forms and people started posting for example if you are in 7Xyz then join the group. All very friendly and nice till this mum let’s call her Q started ranting and saying “please everyone be patient, when I get home I will sort out” others just questioned that we’re here in person now so easier to set up but her response got very annoyed and said I said be patient. No one else responded on there so I assumed everyone okay with it. I wasn’t bothered right then and thought let her crack on if she wants to take the lead.

after a few hours she created a new community and then sub communities so the new main one for whole of year 7 and then 6 for the forms. She then asked a rep for each form and gave them admin rights, herself too being an admin in EACH form class! She then made it so the community couldn’t post in the main one but had to go though the class admin each time, so I couldn’t just post in the main one I would have to go through my rep who would then post on my behalf!

she then wanted us all to prove we were who we were saying by taking a picture of the name sticker we were given at the event yesterday which has our name, child’s name and form class. I’ll be honest I binned mine and didn’t keep. I was feeling very uncomfortable with all this especially as she kept shouting people down who questioned what she was saying.

I already know 2 mums there as our kids in same primary school so I messaged them and asked what they felt about it all - they just responded vaguely snd not much bother so I thought okay most people don’t care.

Another mum spoke up who I don’t know and questioned why she’s an admin of every sub tutor group when her child is only in one to which lots of people responded saying yes why plus why we can’t post in the main group for all year 7’s. She didn’t do in the way I’m explaining it was more being really nice to her type questioning like she’s scared of her. Q still got upset and said she said she was just trying to help. But I feel it was all rather crazy and wasting everyone’s time. She’s not in my form group thank God. Is this a sign of things to come? DD is my eldest and we’ve had WhatsApp groups in primary but not to this level of craziness! I should avoid Q at all costs and pray our kids don’t become friends yes?

it all feels really bizarre to me like why do all that when it was actually quite simple to do and she made it a million times more complex. Plus why did everyone just go along with it for so long and start posting pictures of their name tags? It’s like one person who I didn’t meet or know suddenly became our leader and everyone went with it. Only when sub group reps realised how much work it will be for them to get each member plus be the go between did one speak up and then it was just really nicey nicey. I really wanted to post how crazy it was but DH stopped me and said don’t do it.

She can talk to them to invite them. Print an invite if feeling fancy.

Just make your own class group and everyone can comment/reply. You don’t need to do anything she says.

Sorry but in contrast to other posters, our year 7’s have definitely had parental involvement. So bowling, swimming & laser quest - all of which needed booking and confirmation of numbers.,Also a couple of outings to desert places which had minimal parental input except to foot the bill. All done via WhatsApp.

Parents organising things in secondary?! A major point of secondary is learning independence which isn’t going to happen if the helicopter parents are still organising things for them

These parties that you are organising would you expect the parents to stay? (I hope not at that age) Why can’t the child organise it directly with their friends and if they don’t have a mobile number then give you a parent contact number on the day

I definitely think this is more normal! I was worried reading other replies. I know from friends with older kids they organise lots of trips to the theatre, bowling, cinema. I’m sorry but I’m not going to let my nearly 11 year old (she’s summer born so turning 11 end of August) trek to central London with a group of girls she barely knows on her own WITHOUT parent supervision.

I was just talking to a neighbour yesterday with slightly older kids and she was baffled too as parents have to be involved in driving the kids to the places until they can travel by themselves. 11 is too young to be going into central London by themselves! We live in London so maybe that’s the difference. There’s a difference between mollycoddling an 18/19 year old adult and supervising an 11 year old girl just starting secondary school. I don’t see many 11 year olds by themselves when I go out. Yes teenagers but not 11 year olds!

I don’t actually even believe it.

200 parents on a year 10 (shortly year 11) what app group and 50 active about lost uniform etc. No way.

It will be less than a handful whinging about “school policies and rules” and asking if someone has come across a a football sock labelled @Magmum75

and the remaining 197 will have the chat on mute

You are not planning on getting her a phone until end of yesr 8 at the earliest @Susan716

id urge you to reconsider. She will be really left out.

Have very very tight and restrictive parental controls and no Snapchat etc etc and monitor whenever you wish.

but at least allow her to message her friends over the weekend for example before year 9

I’m really conflicted. As in year 5 we all signed the smartphone free childhood which we agreed to not having smart phones till they are year 9. Lots of research done on this plus I know her 2 friends leaving from primary school have parents are very against phones.

Parent pact it was called: https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org

My daughter was the only one without a phone in year 6. Also she was the only one not involved in the constant drama. Definitely hold off.

But… this is secondary school
different school
loads of different parents
and you didn’t sign it in blood I’m guessing

Year 6
primary

I am saying for year 7
Secondary

They have parent supervision for things that need them but the organising is done by the kids. Last week I took my daughter and 2 friends climbing. They need to be supervised by an adult to do
this. She arranged the time, where to meet etc. I had the parents numbers but didn’t need them as the girls messaged when it was time to be picked up.

The difficult is that they grow up so quickly from year 7. Not having a phone means that after school she can’t just text and let you know she is at the park but will be home in 15 mins, or if she has gone to the shop and you realise you need milk you can’t ask.

it’s also useful if we need to be elsewhere after school we can let her know.

I think it was different when we all had landlines but not many people do nowadays.

My daughter has had a phone since year 6 and there has been no drama this end at all so far. I check it regularly and it has restrictions.

You do not need whatsapp groups for secondary school.

So trips to central London, sleep overs etc, yes you’re allowed to make contact with parents of course you are. I’ve had 11 & 12 year old boys turn up at my house in the past and DS announces we’re having a sleep over so of course I’ve got to check and confirm. But not on a whole class WhatsApp group. That’s what the majority are referring to. Parent contact for your child’s close friends isn’t banned but the days of huge WhatsApp groups, repetitive questions, party invites for the class and chasing RSVPs & lost socks are hopefully almost behind you!

Well yes, I am constantly liaising with Dd friends parents in WhatsApp. Just not in some massive year group WhatsApp group

You still drive them, drop off and pick up.

My DD just gave her friends my number to pass to their mums. We had a mums WhatsApp for the 4 or 6 girls so we could arrange birthday etc.

It wasn't a whole class one, just her group of friends. We kept it up until Prom in year 11 but used it less and less.

At our school they were in different classes for form and lessons so a class one wouldn't work - which class would you pick?

I can't stress how different high school parenting is to primary school. They make their own friends, they have and sort their own fall outs, they organise their own get togethers.
Any issues you have you go to school.

Yes a small group with their actual friends parents for logistics is very different to a general class wide group. The latter is plain weird. Parenting teens is much more private and nuanced than parenting younger children.

But then the massive WhatsApp groups are useful to find the number of a parent no? In my current primary school no one is crazy and it’s used sensibly, people post for example can parent if xyz DM please.,I’ve had it lots of times and it’s to tell me they found my daughters jumper in their kids bag (it’s named) or mostly to invite her for a play date or a party. If used sparingly I think WhatsApp groups are great, it’s good to have them and use where necessary. Too tired to think if the term but something like it’s best to have and not need than to need and not have?

Her current primary is very large. We are a 2 form entry so 60 kids in total maybe even more I’m not sure.

My two are adults now but in year 7 through to 11 we had a FB group for my youngest's year but not for my eldest's.

I had the phone numbers of their friends parents from primary, and as they made new friends we swapped numbers where necessary. I never did have some of the parents' numbers because the kids did the arranging. I just picked up and dropped off and chatted to the parents then sometimes.

Dd says “mum Ruby invited me to the cinema on Saturday”
me “cool can you get her mum’s number or give her my number and we’ll sort timings”

dtds are year 10 and I have a WhatsApp with dtd1’s friend’s mums which is really handy and we remind each other stuff. They do liaise with friends now to arrange stuff. Dd1 was in year 7 during lock down so kept primary friends and that was easy.

What I’ve learned from secondary is that there’s a huge mix of values and parenting styles - never assume you’re on the same page. Queen bee mums at secondary really aren’t a thing though.

I'm assuming 200-300 in the year at high school as a minimum?
Separate forms
Separate English
Separate maths
Separate science
Separate tech
Separate language
Etc
Which group do you want?

If you get added see what it's like. If you don't you'll manage.
There's a lot of hate too at high school, for trh teachers, for the school, for the other kids, genuinely you don't need it or to be dragged into it.

If you like the WhatsApp groups then why post complaining about them? Just join and take part. Is this an Alpha Female thing about someone else having set it up?