DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

You've missed my point.

Plenty of households have one working parent, as long as they can support themselves and their children then it doesn't matter how they arrange themselves.

This is a really key point. Does she legally own the house she lives in (ie he transferred ownership to her) or does he still own it and she lives there at his grace?

Of course but the decent thing to do is to offer something but as the children are fed and taken to clubs at their dads house then maybe it would be acceptable to stop all monies.

You talk as if she is being abandoned, but she has a house paid off and a new partner. All they would need to do is both work part time, her ex has been overpaying the maintenance by law by £900 a month for years, he has been a responsible father.

As the kids primary residence is at yours and that's where they want to live, that's fine.

It sounds am almighty mess as usual, but I'm sure you'll figure out the nest outcome. Amd thankfully this jas happened at a time when the kids are old enough for the mother to source full-time employment.

Why? How come she doesn't offer them money when the kids don't do much more than sleep at the mothers house and they feed them and drive them around everywhere and wash all their clothes? Is it just because she's the mother and he's the father?

You gave her a year's notice. He now has no income. She doesn't actually look after her children. She's never worked. Her mortgage is paid off. The kids want to live with you. Have I got this right?
In which case, why on earth would you give her any money?

So SAHMs are morally wrong, even when their husband earns enough to amply support the household?

I'm not so sure. What is the mum doing to provide for her kids? They are not at an age where she can't work.

IMO if you are separated and your kids are teens or older there is no reason not to work.

He and you seem to be doing all the parenting already from what I can see? As well as paying maintenance.

And the Mum just has certain overnights almost for the look of the thing!

Sounds like you need to have a fresh look at the whole set up. 16 and 14 are more than able to make their own decisions but also should be able to get about by themselves? Unless where you live is remote?

If she says she’ll talk to a solicitor just say fine and do the same! But honestly at 16 and 14 it’s up to them.

If you have 50/50 custody and your husband won't be working why would you even continue sending £500? At somepoint his children will be adults and the money would stop, she was always going to have to get a job and earn more. Buying her a house and paying all that money for years, plus having his children 1/3 of the time overnight plus school pickups and evenings I think you have carried this woman enough. I wouldn't even offer £500, sort 50/50 custody and go through CMS so it is clear he isn't earning so you can't be chased for money. I think the mum needs to step up, get a job to support her children and her partner also needs to work to contribute to the household.

The house is 100percnt hers

Not the point I know, but how could he afford £1500 a month if CMS saw his wage and said he is liable to pay £300. Wasnt that his entire wage?!

I think paying £1500 was extremely (too) generous and of course has to stop when your household is doing pretty much all of the childcare and providing all of the food, clubs, new clothes etc. If the children want to live with you full time, you'd be well within your right to get paid CB and to seek CMS from her.

I hope the house is still in your husbands name.

I agree - the key things are her not actually doing anything to look after the kids and the kids wanting to be with the OP.

The rest is almost by the by.

It’s up to her if she doesn’t want to work but she can’t expect everyone else to fit in with that plan. She’ll have to cut her cloth according to her means!

This is the most unbelievable part of the thread! How you could marry and have children with a man who prioritises his ex wife so highly…

I just told her I would pay the £500 just to keep the peace possibly a stupid mistake but I’ve said it now

Don’t pay her anything. If she can’t afford the children then they can stay with you like you offered. She’s an adult.

Well she’s a very cheeky mare isn’t she

So, that has no legal bearing.

Please put that money into an ISA for your kids instead OP. You are directly damaging their futures by giving it to this woman instead.

In what way is feeding every day, clothing, housing (both at his current residence and former residence), ferrying about, financing clubs... 'financially abandoning his children'. Do explain?

@donewiththistakemeaway Rescind your financial offer, just tell her you've looked at the situation more closely and can't afford it and are now more aware of your legal responsibilities than previously.

Sit the kids down, ask them what THEY want to do and what they want you two to do to make that happen. Let them know they are welcome to live with you full time and visit their Mother as and when they want.

Then do that.

Not his ex wife. They were never married

he doesn’t prioritise her. What a strange thing to say

so he should have kicked his ex girlfriend and children out of the home instead? That’s what’s unbelievable

Maybe their mother could get a job?

Ex girlfriend! Makes no sense.