DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

You and your husband sound perfect and she sounds awful, I imagine the truth might be somewhere in the middle of both?

Don’t pay anything and take the kids almost 100%

He shouldn't have kicked them out no, but it makes no sense to just transfer the property to her, so she can keep it forever. Usually this kind of arrangement would include a provision that she must vacate when the youngest child turns 18 or finishes their FT education. If this is true no wonder she and her partner don't work.

So what if you said it, you can take it back. She's a freeloader

I want to know is there some reason she can’t work or her partner? Or are they just lazy and happy getting free money from your ex and benefits?

He’s chosen to be a SAHP. Do you have a problem with that? He’s not relying on state benefits, and the OP, his wife, earns enough to support their joint decision.

He gave her a house. The inheritance which was rightfully, legally, and morally his, could have been passed on to his children. Now it’ll likely be sold and squandered by a work shy ex.

He paid £1500 instead of £300, for 9 years. That’s almost £130k which should have gone on his children, and his household, instead of his ex.

I wouldn’t be able to respect a man who favoured an ex partner over his children to the extent of hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Don't be ridiculous! Father and OP are doing the vast amount of caring for the kids! £1500 a month was a huge voluntary contribution, which now can't continue.
Biological mother and her partner can just get a job and start supporting themselves. My heart bleeds for them. Not!

He prioritised his kids highly, not the ex

He could easily have allowed her to stay in the house until the youngest was 18, and kept it in his name.

Then the house could have been sold and the proceeds go to his five children. As it is, she’ll probably sell up now to fund her workless existence, meaning his kids get nothing.

How is that prioritising his kids over his ex?

Again...he prioritised his kids, not the ex.

So now, instead of slagging him off for not giving enough, youre slagging him off for giving too much?

Some blokes actually give a shit about the children

Did you even RTFT?

Child support doesn’t count towards income for benefits so she was probably did have a very healthy income.

Putting another perspective here just because something is legally correct doesn’t mean that it is morally okay or that it wouldn’t be damaging to the children
The Law is quite often an ass
So what’s more important to you being right or raising well adjusted children with a relationship with both of their parents?

It’s a bit bizarre to use family inheritance to pay off a house he doesn’t live in and hasn’t stipulated was to raise the kids in so he gets it back once the kids left home. That should be for his kids as adults for THEIR inheritance

Then your choice is either to stick to your word and pay it without complaint, or retract your offer as you have no legal duty to pay anything. Honestly, you’re making your own life harder here for absolutely no reason.

So…
SHE get the children up and takes them to school.
YOU pick them up from school
YOU give them tea
YOU take them to their clubs
YOU attend all parents eve/parent things for the children
YOU shower/bath them
YOU drop them off at 8pm
SHE has them for an hour and puts them to bed

YOU both work
HER and her partner DONT work, have no mortgage

I expect you pay for trips/school uniform etc going by what you’ve said.

and YOU owe them money?????

YABU to pay her a penny

Don't pay maintenance.

I'd also be looking into whether the house really does belong to her -- did your husband go through a legal process to do that or just made a verbal commitment?

Verbal commitments are enforceable bylaw as well

There's a difference between kicking her out and apparently gifting her a house with no strings attached, removing his name from the title deeds and putting hers on there.

As the PP said, quite unbelievable.

Well you can change your mind. Just say the offer is off the table. Don't be taken for a fool or you will be subsidising this woman for years to come.

£300 for two kids a month - when he’s only had them ten nights is a joke.

He should be paying far more. It’s not relevant was CMS says. His choice to quit his job - he still needs to pay- and pay properly - for his kids.

You are too involved and he isn’t involved enough. He either has them 50% (not you - him have them!) or he needs to pay the decent maintenance.

No wonder she is stomping her feet now. She has had years of sitting on her arse and is now going to have to pull her finger out and become an adult.

I think he’s been a fool, yes. And I think OP’s been a fool to subsidise it for all these years, and would be an even bigger fool to keep giving money to this entitled, lazy woman.