DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

If they say they want to stay with you, I'd suggest you just accommodate this and inform the mum, rather than issuing your own court proceedings.

That’ll be covered by OP’s household, where the SC want to live. OP hasn’t said she expects their mum to contribute anything at all.

Not to worry, the mother can have insurance against the providing father's death, even if he doesn't.

You're right though, better to pick some misfortune that insurance doesn't do so well with, and that way even if they both have a policy it might not help. It's true that if there's a corpse, that's one of the more straightforward situations. Disappearance, perhaps. Suicide if too early. Some sort of accident where the insurance does eventually pay up but not until there's been a lengthy period of income loss.

I'm so confused as to why your DH just handed her a free house. It's casting a lot of doubt on the thread in general to be honest. Did he put it in her name? Does she need to vacate when youngest turns 18/finishes FT education?

I would be questioning why your husband has been this supportive for this long. It must be draining on you parenting 5 children as much as you do whilst he has been at work. Although, yes you did make that choice.

As ex’s go he has been more than fair and then some by giving her a home (unless there’s a caveat that she moves out in the future).

I hope the older kids are respectful and appreciate all that you have done for them OP.

I should have been clearer DH pays the clubs we take them as she says ‘she didn’t chose to out then in the clubs’ all school trips and uniforms

Another woman on here slagging off her DH's crazy, lazy previous partner and her feckless unemployed boyfriend. Talk about the "Script". There's a Script for everything on MN and OP's is as predictable as all the rest.

But doesn't she have to contribute that if he is paying everything else? He pays when they are with him and she pays when they are with her? But that is noy happening, the only time mum has hem is when they literally come home to go to bed, after being fed at the Dads? Breakfast is potentially the only meal she provides and he covers all social and school activities.

If they move in with their Dad then everything I said before applies to the Mum who needs to start paying for her children now. I think the OP is a mug for taking that cost on the parents both sound feckless.

They were together and had children and he paid it off with inheritance. 2 years later they broke up and he let her keep the house. There’s no thing for her to leave when the kids grow up.

She’s clearly not believed what she has been told. This money would stop in a few years anyway.
Don’t give her a penny, maybe the kids will move in with you and you can chase her for CMS.
She easily could have worked FT for years, her partner too. They could have been raking it in really if you were picking up all the childcare, food.

The only asshole thing your DH has done is given her far too much money for far too long.

She should pay but she won’t pay for the clubs and we put them in the clubs not her so it’s up to this household to pay

That explains the déjà vu I was feeling. The whole point is to generate a pile-on upon the unwanted woman who has no way to reply.

As a starting point why not say that the days you normally drop them at mums for bedtime you just keep them at yours overnight.

This keeps the routine almost identical but reduces the faffing/drop offs and you actually get the legal credit for all the care you provide.

Ex can keep the weekends she currently does.

If you offer this to the kids it might be easiest as from their perspective they will be seeing their mum almost exactly the same amount and you can explain this if they feel guilty about leaving her.

It will make any complains from her about not seeing them seem utterly irrational.

You may be able t say that about many, bit on this occasion, if what is on here is true, the previous partner is the one inthe wrong and this is not the usual script. Read it and be impressed.

ONLY on NM can a father have the kids 40% of the time, do all school runs and main care, see them everyday, pay the ex 5 times as much as he should, leave her a house and more and yet be flamed. No hope out there!

Your husband has been an absolute mug to give her a house and pay her the equivalent of minimum wage for neglecting his kids for so long.

I’m not surprised that you’re happy to change the situation. Talk to SC then crack open the champagne! The next chapter of your lives will be much easier and less stressful.

I’m thinking that’s the best option if we do a full switch and she has the 10 nights and we take all the others

So you’ve been feeding them 100% of the time, clothing them I imagine, doing all the grunt work in terms of actual parenting but she gets £1500 a month for one our a day?

I know kids cost money but seriously fuck that.

Shes had 12 months notice that her meal ticket is about to end. She’s been “overpaid” hugely by your DH and I also assume she’s claiming UC and whatever else as well.

How old are the kids??

Invite them to live with you full time and stick a claim for CMS against her.

So the title deeds and everything is in her name and he has no claim to the free house he gave her whatsoever?

But he has been working in a position that is unsustainable and he doesn’t have to work, OP is working (with her own business) and that is a great example to the kids - that it doesn’t have to be mothers at home and fathers at work. He may go back to work after he has had a break but I think it’s fantastic that he wants to be with his kids more and take on more do the domestic side. And their mum will also have to get a job so she can set an example there too.

umm why not?

So then even less of an issue. All he has to do is pay what he is legally required to pay.

Some men, like mine, had to walk away from the marriage (no-one else was involved) and he continued to pay above and byond financially for many years more than he needed to (which his ex acknowledged) because he loved the kids and whilst he couldn't give them the traditional stable two parent home, he felt he could give them financial security to the level they would have had, had he still been there.

This guy sounds to be of the same ilk, and yes there are men out there that will take the hit to do that. But then both parents worked together to find a path through,

By the look of this thread I would take full custody of those kids if I were your husband. Is a win win. He makes sure they are take care for because he is going to be an stay at home dad and he doesn't have to deal with an angry ex that doesn't want to work and thinks is entitled to his money.