DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

Great point actually as then the blame is on the judge and not on me DH or the EX

I assume this is if he has 50/50 care? That’s fair.

If not then the CMS is not fit for purpose.

Not even his ex wife!

If the children come and live with you full time does she still get to keep the house his inheritance paid for?

@donewiththistakemeaway this is my take, not that I am legally qualified but:

From what you’ve described, you and your DH are already providing functionally 50/50 care anyway, arguably more, and she is being clever as its based on nights slept in each home. If I have understood correctly, you are doing all weekday school pick‑ups, all weekday clubs, all weekday teas, all weekday showers, all weekend clubs, all school events, all parents’ evenings, all sickness care, all medical appointments and all practical parenting? Am I reading this correctly?

All she is doing is the school runs, bedtime, sleeping nights? No clubs, events, appointments, weekday parenting, financial contribution and no employment?

I would think that if the above is correct, that if CMS looked at the actual care pattern rather than just sleeping nights, your DH would likely be assessed as having substantial shared care, and the payment could be significantly reduced, possibly to zero and certainly if he moves to full‑time availability. The law is very clear. Child maintenance is based on his income (not yours) and the number of nights the children sleep in each home. Not (as she seems to think) her lifestyle, her mortgage (which he paid off with his inheritance before he left), her partner’s unemployment, her refusal to work, your joint income and the fact she “won’t be able to afford her home” Those are not legally protected entitlements. She has no legal right to demand £1,500 a month, it was voluntary and voluntary payments can stop. CMS will calculate the correct amount. Your income is irrelevant.

She also cannot refuse shared care and still demand full payments. If he is now available full‑time, CMS will take that into account. If he moves to 50/50, CMS can drop to zero. Her threats about solicitors are bluster.

A solicitor cannot force him to maintain her lifestyle, to keep paying voluntary overpayments, to contribute, force payment based on his old salary

There is no loophole that gives her what she wants and lets face it she is not doing any of the hard work and I'm impressed you and your husband are taking such a leading role in the parenting of the kids, his kids. And many women give up work to look after kids, it works both ways although I appreciate that is not why he did it.

I feel she has been extremely lucky your DH has been as generous as he has.
Most people in her position would be receiving far less than £1,500 and CMS would likely reduce it further once his new circumstances are assessed. So your offer of £500pm is VERY generous.

The CMS mandated amount is an absolute joke. £300 is absolutely nothing. It is a patriarchal scandal that this shit happens.

Don’t offer her anything. She’s had plenty out of your husband, both financially and with you doing a huge amount of the childcare. She needs to get off her arse and get a job.

Kids are 14 and 16
hes not putting his feet up though
the kids want him here
he’s set a brilliant example
ex is in her 40s
if he works another job anywhere that takes time away from the kids and time away from helping me. I’m not a slave

she has been given a house so no mortgage or rent costs. She doesn't work so no childcare costs. She will be getting UC and she could get a job herself

Absolutely this!

She sounds like a disgrace quite frankly
I can't believe you've enabled the situation for as long as you have
Give or nothing the children with you officially full-time. You pretty much do anyway. Doesn't sound like she'd barely know if they weren't there given they're only they're couple hours a day to sleep
Awful

Don’t pay her a bean, let the lazy cow get a job and pay her way like everyone else. If you’re happy to let the kids stay with you full time and they’re old enough to choose then have them move in and stop all the running back and forward with them. They sound like they’ll be far better cared for by their dad and you.

100%

I know his kids are 14 and 16 but how old are the 3 kids you had with him?

Are they all under school age if working part time means it'll take his time with them away?

He gave his ex-partner a house with no mortgage because he paid it off with an inheritance. He has overpaid CMS by £1200 per month for nine years. He has offered to have the children full time.

His ex has never worked a day in her life. She has a partner who doesn't work. She will have been able to claim UC as child maintenance isn't taken into consideration when calculating her UC entitlement.

My ex-husband was a tight-fisted dickhead when it came to paying me maintenance and I normally always take the woman's side. But in this scenario, it's the ex-partner that is completely taking the piss.

We are going to sit the kids down tonight and ask them what they want. If they want to stay then DH can let the ex know. They don’t need to go and get stuff as majority of their things are here anyway but anything they do need they can get when they visit her but you sure when she would be happy for them to visit her

1500 is a lot. Less would be ok. But you sound v negative about her when you don’t know her side of the story.

Their lazy ass mum can have her turn to be a working parent.

4
and 2 year old twins and yes will massively take time away from them

As long as he’s paying what he is legally required to do (you say this is £300 per month), there’s nothing more to be said. Let her get a solicitor if she wants to, it sounds like your husband wants to reopen the custody arrangements anyway so you’ll both need a solicitor to do that properly. There’s really no issue here.

It’s £300 more than their own mother is contributing!

I mean if the dad is represented it will cost far more than 2k. If he is not then he's just paying the court fee.

In light of the no order principle and children's age I really wouldn't suggest going straight to issuing proceedings.

The judge won't just make a decision out of nowhere, it would be based on the 14 year old's wishes and feelings (16 y/o won't come into this) which will usually be ascertained via a s7 report or similar. Which their mum would have read. So I don't think this really will assist the SC with any guilt tripping. In fact it's likely to cause them more upset as they will need to speak to professionals and mum will know the order was based on what they said to those professionals.

I'm sure its not mostly paying towards that. Electricity and gas don't cost that much a month either. I would be suprised if more than £500 of that payment is spent on bills and feeding/clothing the DC.

You did read the part where it mentioned the mortgage having been paid off by DH and the greedy lazy ex having been given the home?

Imagine having the nerve to be given a £100K+ home for free from someone you never married, to then receive 5x the amount of CMS payment they're required to pay consistently for 9 years, to sit on your jobless arse while ex DW does the majority of school pick ups evening meals etc, and then to turn around and complain about it?

actually you can understand her kicking up a fuss as she's lived a lottery lifestyle with how generous OP and her DH have been. It's actulally more of a suprise there are posters on here wilfully ignoring this info and trying to justify the hugely inflate payments. Probably justfing it becuase they're in a similar boat.

I'm amazed out of the four adults in this scenario, only one of them actually works.

Yes I agree completely she is an asshole who needs to get a job. But that does not mean that children won’t cost money. My kids want to go on school trips, need uniform, clothes, food, have weekly activities. Kids cost a lot of money irrespective of whether parents have split or not.

When he’s not working, the legally mandated amount is zero. OP has very generously (stupidly) offered the woman £500.