DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

10 nights is a third of the time and it sounds like they also have them for several hours on the other days aswell and provide them with their tea on those days. Sounds like he is contributing well.

You're not responsible, but it's a shitty thing for a father to do. Just stop working with no plan to support his DC? Not a man I'd want to be married to.

CMS look at parental income. Not yours as a step-parent.

Sounds like ex has been sitting pretty on what your husband has been paying (taking into account how much the children are with you). Now that has been pulled from under her she’s pissed off!

I’m a family solicitor. We don’t get involved in maintenance as a general rule. We advise you go to CMS so let her get a solicitor. The court can order maintenance but are loathed to and after 12 months CMS can override court orders for child maintenance. So let her crack on and she will be worse off as she will have to go to CMS and get her £300.

The youngest is FOURTEEN!!

Nah. I’m all for dad’s contributing, but why hasn’t she or her partner got a job? He gets to spend time with his dc, avoid burnout and she can work out how to manage life, it’s clear the op and her dh are not going to let his dc go without, they just won’t send money to the mum. She can get a job, the kids are not babies, and I don’t see why they should continue to be funded to not work.

Again if DH is unemployed she wouldn't get spousal anyway even if they WERE married which they weren't.

Tbh OP. I think giving her anything is only going to delay the inevitable and make her more entitled. If you stop the handouts now they will be forced to sort their lives out and that best done sooner rather then later for everyone involved.

I would be concerned that by giving her money I would be setting a precedence. If you died and were paying her a monthly income she could claim on your estate as a dependent (laughable but people get stuck in litigation for years over less). Same is true of DH paying more then needed.

It sounds like she's a very uninvolved parent and the kids would be much more stable with you. Get that all sorted and the ex can get on with sorting her life out. She's had a lovely easy few years but it's time to crack on.

BLOOOODY HELLLS BELLS.

I have a 14 year old. You can defo work plenty with a 14 year old! She's not a SAHM at this point, she's just plain old unemployed. Jeeez.

Whats her back up plan when the kids leave home? For your husband still to pay?
God forbid he died then what. She would have to get a job!

Shitty to have paid £1200 a month more than he was obliged to for 9 years? What must you think of the ex who’s never contributed a penny she’s earned to her children’s costs…

This woman is taking the piss!! She will be getting UC aswell. Your husband has afforded her not to work. Any posters who think is woman's behaviour is appropriate must be free loaders themselves

The plan, which has been agreed with OP, is that her business supports them and pays for him to support her at home.

Why should the SC have to live somewhere they don’t want to, just to make their mum some money because she can’t be arsed to work?

Have you actually read and understood what the OP has written?

Yeah so basically Monday - Sunday I have the kids until 8pm and then drop them back to their mums except for 10 nights a month when the kids stay over instead of being dropped back as my DH is home. But we do all clubs etc Monday-Sunday. She has the kids 8-9pm Monday - Sunday except on the 10 nights we have then she doesn’t see them at all and she does the school runs in the morning only except on the 10 nights a month where we do the school runs in the morning asleep as all school runs every day regardless if it’s our days or not

I wonder how much she and her unemployed partner have been raking in?

If she’s young enough, she’ll have another kid within a year.

So your DH gave his former family home, which is fully paid for due to his inheritance, to his ex-wife? That was extremely generous of him. His ex-wife is being ridiculous, lazy and greedy.

I'm not sure since (a) I'd imagine ex will dispute those are the current arrangements and won't want them formalised given it will jeopardise her CM claim etc. and (b) any money received from child benefit will likely not be worth it given legal fees (if DH is represented) and also mental strain of court proceedings. I definitely wouldn't suggest DH issues proceedings at this stage.

I think the guilt tripping will likely take place regardless.

You obviously don’t have to pay & it seems she’s massively taken the piss until now but generally I think all family income should be included in cms assessments. Far too many men dodge paying maintenance by pretending the only household income is their wife’s. If his new step-children can be included as ‘relevant children’ to reduce his cms contributions then his new wife’s income should be included in the household income for assessment too.

I’m not saying that’s what your DH is doing and he sounds like a very hands on dad - but the system is very wrong.

Regardless of what he's done until now (which is far more than he needed to). He is offering to have them 50% of the time or more, if the kids prefer. In which case he wouldn't owe anything even if he kept working.

Not sure some people have noticed that she got a year's warning of this. That's actually rather a lot, certainly enough to have sorted herself out with an NMW role unless there's something OPs not telling us.

He could've fallen under a bus at any point during the last 12 years, as we all could. There has never been any guarantee this income would continue.

They weren't even married!!! DH has been extremely generous to his ex. It's time to stop.

You'd think he might've considered how tough he was going to make his life when he chose to father 5 kids?

Hoe is it shitty? He is providing for them by providing a roof over their head, meals, activities, whatever else they need for as many days of the month as they choice whilst also paying their mother, who is perfectly capable of working herself but chooses not to, more than he needs to do.

Fuck me are you so on the edge of being triggered that you just lose the ability to process the information infront of you? Just skim all the details of OP and see '£1500 a month when CPS only suggests £300' and then explode into a defensive fury? Are you by chance someone who hasn't worked for 9+ years, are relying solely on your ex payments and won't stop banging on about your earning potential having been hindered by your ex all them moons ago?

Don’t give her a penny, your income isn’t taken into account and considering you have them 5 days out of 7 your both the main carers if anything you should be seeking child maintenance off her!