DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

Which he’s been doing since they were born. He’s worked at a stressful and physically demanding job for thirty years and can’t do it any more. That’s his right. He’s also paid five times the amount of maintenance due during that time. OP has a successful business and is agreeable to him taking on full custody of the two children. Where exactly is he not supporting them ? And why is it acceptable that his ex has never worked during this time, despite the fact that the children are mostly in the care of DH and OP ? The fact that DH has offered full time custody and she’s still kicking off is a clear indication of where her priorities lie.

PIP / DLA / Carers. It’s how my DPs ex got away without working for years. Then we got full custody and found out one of the kids got mid-DLA, despite them not needing extra care and clearly not being entitled to it - it was all a con by the mum.

All entirely possible explanations none of us know do we?
or the woman could have stage four terminal cancer, which no doubt the OP would’ve omit from the story because it doesn’t suit their narrative. I’ve heard that before in real life.

No, we don’t, I was just explaining how someone might get away with not working when their children are teens.

My stepchild has HFA but doesn’t need any input from us (she’s very capable, cooks, cleans, gets herself to school). It’s only when she moved in full time we found out about the mid rate DLA which had clearly been claimed through lies and exaggeration of her care needs.

OP didn’t say he was tired after 12 years. She said he had now left his job because he was tired, and after 12 years spent building up her own business, she was now in a position to support them all. She clarified in a later update that her husband has worked in a stressful and physically demanding job for over thirty years. Bit different wouldn’t you say ? And given that his ex has never worked a day in her life, despite having very minimal input into caring for her own kids, and so has never actually provided for them financially while he has paid five times the normal maintenance, I think she qualifies as the shitty parent here, not dad.

I don't know where you live, but that is utter nonsense in the UK. My DC pays probably double £350 for his two DC, their mother and her new partner both work, of course. £1,500 a month is a huge sum.
Also it is not only 10 nights a month (usual arrangements are every other week-end), they also do school runs and pick-ups and all week-end activities for OP's step-DC. Their mother appears to do very little.

Careful, your bias is showing.

You think she is owed £1500 for what? They are doing more than 30% of the nights, and all the afternoons and evenings until 8/9pm. Personally I’d say she probably owes him money on that split, if all things were equal.

You need an official arrangement decided by the court. She can't throw a tantrum over this.

Either apply for 50/50 custody (which is pretty much what you're doing) or let the court decide what the child support amount will be. It will be based on your husband's income, not yours. It's laughable that they're both not working and they are milking you for £1500 a month

My bloke’s ex tried this when she discovered what I earned. Obviously it went nowhere.

The point is what lifestyle did these children have before their parents split?
At least one Mum at the school gets £700 to raise three children on which might sound an alright amount of money
But the Dad earns £350,000 a year and lives in a £4 million house and only sees his children every other weekend
So of course they live their best life for four days a month which is to the standard that they all lived pre-divorce
It’s not fair is it that Mum’s living in much reduced living conditions and buying food with Tesco’s Club card points whilst Dad gets the opportunity to feather his nest?
People are just far too quick to take things at face value and consider people lucky to get 15% of the declared income, which is never the true picture

My DH can’t F* me - hasn’t been able to for years since the onset of my disability. He’s still here, still supports me. We still have a great life together, and I can be 100% sure he’s not interested in any other women, because I am, and always was more than a blow up doll to him. Absolutely depressing if he’s the exception and not the rule.

And I don’t see how this is relevant given that it’s OP giving the account, not her DH.

And she can also get a job....

He doesn't have to give her any money if he has 50:50 custody of the kids.

Just LOL

In almost all circumstances I'd say the dad needs to continue working to support his children, even if that means financially supporting his ex in order to maintain their quality of life, but it sounds like:

1. You and your husband are effectively the primary caregivers already and hold the mental load and financial burden of raising them?
2. They pretty much live with you as it stands, only sleeping at their mums house?
3. You're happy for them to move in full time?
4. You're happy to financially support them yourself (clothes, food, extra curricula activities etc.) whilst their dad is a SAHP?

If this is correct I don't think their mum has any right to complain (providing they accept the offer to move in with you).

Moreover, if one side is painting a 100% rosy picture of themselves and 100% denigrate the other side, in 99% of cases it's a lie, unless the other side are drug addicts with completely deteriorated personality.

Normal people are never black and white and painting them in these colours is very telling about OP.

Nope. It’s more telling about posters who come onto the forum determined to disbelieve everything an OP says and put their own spin on things - mainly because the truth doesn’t support the narrative that all men are shitbags.

And again how is this relevant to OP given that it isn’t what’s happening here ? His ex has never worked. DH and OP have done most of the child rearing if you believe her side of the story. Assuming it’s true why on earth hasn’t she worked ? £1500 a month as a 50% contribution assumes that it costs £3000 a month for two children, which is utter nonsense.

Care to expand ?

What do you mean she has them 8pm-9pm Mon-Sun? Do you mean everyday?
Where do they go at 9pm? She has them for 1 hour a night? Surely they’d rather just sleep in yours where they’ve been settled all evening?
You/DH do all school runs or she does? If you, you go and collect them from her house and drive them to school in the morning, what’s the purpose of this if they’re with her?
The schedule is very confusing, could you lay it out more clearly?

So did you stop the claim ?

Yes of course we did. But it’s how we discovered she’d been getting away not working for so many years. Step daughter also had no idea DLA was being claimed on her behalf.

What should it be in your view given the child’s mother is choosing not to work and therefore is contributing £0.

We also only found out once stepdaughter moved in and child benefit was transferred to my partner and we discovered these DLA payments were attached to it.

OP has explained all of this in the OP and updates. She says OP and her DH have the kids every night from school as well as ten overnights a month. They collect them from school, give them dinner and drop them off at their mums at around 8-9pm every night so mum has them from then. They also do all school runs and all weekend clubs and activities. So according to OP mum’s total input is giving them breakfast on the days they don’t stay overnight with her and DH.

Why is it not fair that the mom “lives in reduced circumstances”? Of course they are reduced. She is no longer with her wealthy ex-husband. He has an obligation to his children. He should have none to his ex. If she wants elevated circumstances she can build a career to fund that.