DH stoping paying CMS

[donewiththistakemeaway]

My husband told his ex-partner — the mother of his two oldest children — a year ago that he planned to leave his job within the next 12 months. She has never worked, and for the last 9 years he has paid her £1,500 per month voluntarily, even though the Child Maintenance Service calculates the correct amount should only be around £300.

The kids stayed with us for 10 nights a month, matching my husband’s days off. Between us, we did all school runs, clubs, meals, and bedtime routines — returning them to their mother around 8pm each evening. They couldn’t stay more nights because my husband’s shift pattern meant leaving at 5pm, driving 2 hours, working until 7am, and getting home by 9am. This would have left me alone caring for all 5 children while also working, handling all household tasks, and managing their activities. Meanwhile, their mother only had to put them to bed around 9pm, yet received far more money than required. We also take all five children to their clubs and activities every weekend.

My husband has now left that job — he was exhausted, and after 12 years of hard work, my own business has become successful enough for me to be the main earner. He reminded his ex repeatedly over the year that this change was coming and that his income would no longer support those higher payments.

He explained that he is now available full-time: he can offer full custody, 50/50 shared care, or flexible arrangements — whatever works for the children. He will be there for school runs, sickness, doctors’ appointments, school events, and anything else they need. The only change is that he can no longer make those payments.

This has caused a huge reaction. She is angry, calling him names and saying she won’t be able to afford her home. He asked her to consider getting a job, or for her new partner to contribute financially ( he does not work either) but she has threatened to involve a solicitor — claiming that if my husband stops paying, I must cover the cost because I’m so flush.

I do not believe this is my responsibility. To keep things calm, I offered to pay the £500 per month which sis still more that what the CMS says is the correct amount, but this is still not enough for her. She won’t stop us seeing the children, as she only cares for them a few hours a day and enjoys having her evenings free with her partner.

My main worry is whether there is any legal loophole that would force my husband to keep paying that higher sum just to maintain her lifestyle?

What about the mother?

Is she shitty for never having worked?

With respect they kind of would say that wouldn’t they? I wonder what her version of events is.
I had 15 years of Mother’s Day cards lamenting about how an amazing mother I was how I did so much for everybody created such a happy home worked my fingers to the bone yada yada yada
And yeah, when we divorced, apparently I had a complete personality transplant and never moved my arse off the sofa
What a miracle !

OP stated in an update that the house wholly belongs to the ex. I think that’s fairly clear. And there is absolutely nothing in any of OP’s posts to suggest they want her out of the house. I thought I’d seen everything when it comes to absent dads on MN, but this one is being slated for doing everything right. If he wants to give up work because he’s burnt out, that’s his decision to make, given that he’s supported ex for years, enabling her to be a SAHP (although in name only) as well as taking on most of the responsibility for the kids in the process. He’s offered full time custody now he can’t pay. It’s what the kids want too. So how exactly is he being unfair ?

I haven't read this all, but if it's a lifestyle choice not to work and you've been giving her £1500 a month since forever, then you've more than done your bit. I'd have no problem with saying he's not working, nothing is due, but you'll take them much more than you do currently so that she has the space to get a job.

The level of reading comprehension on here is astounding. So many people seem unable to read and understand anything OP has written. I think too many people on lots of threads keep bringing their own baggage (ex-husband/step-mum etc hatred) and not thinking clearly.

And that CMS money won't count in her benefits calculation so she'll have been doing very well

She has the space to get a job now - has for a while as far as I can see. Her only input so far seems to have been feeding them breakfast on the days they’re not staying overnight with DH.

Is that why she has already said that the house is 100% the ex's?

Or are you making things up?

Have you read the posts? Op drops the kids back to their mum's house just before bed time every week night despite doing all the actual caring/feeding/parenting. It's a ridiculous arrangement that wrongly means that mum appears to have majority care because they are with her more night when she doesn't.

Absolutely this. Happens on every thread even slightly to do with step parents or absent fathers. People bring their own ‘my ex was a shitbag so yours must be too’ to the table.

Exactly this!

You can tell her that in light of her ungrateful reaction, you have changed your mind. Tell her that it was a gesture of good will but as it has been thrown back in your face, you have withdrawn your generous offer.

Twas ever thus

Spot on. It’s a very strange post. I’ve read all of the OP and all of the updates. Nothing I’ve seen in any of them suggests they are thinking of throwing ex out of the house. And it’s very clear that the house belongs to the ex.

Your story that your husband has quit his job because he’s “ tired “ of working after 12 years is totally pathetic and doesn’t convince a single person reading this. It’s perfectly obvious to everyone here ( and it will be to everyone he knows) that he is doing this to avoid paying for his two children .

Yet another person who hasn't read the thread. 🙄The OP has said more than once that her husband has worked for THIRTY years in a physically demanding job with a long commute on top to support all his children. It is now too much for him physically and OP's business is secure and successful enough to support the whole family, without her DH having to work. This means he can be a SAHD to their three younger children (4yr-old and 2yr-old twins) thus saving on childcare costs. He has paid FIVE times more CM for his two eldest children than was mandated for the past nine years while his ex-partner has never had a job (and lives in a house which is paid for and now hers) and he's in the wrong? Strewth!!

I just told her I would pay the £500 just to keep the peace possibly a stupid mistake but I’ve said it now

Please retract the offer!

Yep, this. OP is not responsible for the maintenance of her DH’s kids. Ex can stamp her foot all she wants, but legally that’s all she can do.

@Chiapotayto Why doesn’t she work?

This ^

I've heard of "Deadbeat Dads", but it seems we now have lazy entitled Mums as well 🙄

I mean, this all would have come to a head eventually when the kids turned 18. It’s clear she’s not been future proofing herself.

How is this relevant ? It’s your own experience, not universal. If we don’t take what OP’s post at face value, what is the point of any discussion ? Sadly, it was ever thus that posters try to discredit what an OP is saying by bringing their own experiences to bear.

I wonder how she gets away with not working now? I didn't think you would get benefits if your children are in their teens and you're choosing not to work.

It’s called conversation, but you can’t blindly take somebody’s word at face value.
And It is pretty universal to be fair. Lots of people will confirm at the moment a man isn’t F*ing you, you hold no value to them. Everything that went before counts for buttons.

It's not your responsibility a d she has no legal claims to your earnings at all . Out of interest what was his job for him to paying 1500 a month in maintenance 😱 esp if the CSA would only require 300 . Your ex is partly responsible for this for this situation by giving that every month tbh . He should of been firmer and faired years ago by saying 500 that's it

Hence there are more holes in this Story than Swiss cheese

Be EXTREMELY CAREFUL where CMS are concerned.

They will see whoever claims the child benefit as the main carer and believe everything they say. We had almost full custody of the children (they only stayed with their mother EOW), but we allowed her to keep the children benefit payments as we weren’t eligible for the money. BIG MISTAKE. She put in a claim for CMS, claimed we had the children for 0 overnights, and we ended up with thousands of pounds worth of payments that took months (and court cases) to sort out. The CMS WILL believe whoever claims the child benefit. You must get this sorted through the courts ASAP and put in a claim for the child benefit if you have the children more. Tell your DP to go to court for official 50/50.