AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

@Dogingarden - I would not blame you at all, if you asked your friend to leave. Her comments were judgemental and unnecessary. I'd be tempted to ask her directly - "My oncologist - a doctor with many years of experience of treating cancer patients, told me that what matters is calories, at this point. What makes you think you know better than a qualified medical specialist?"

Tone deaf.

It's actually disgusting that you've thought it appropriate to write this to a woman going through such a terrible thing.
The qualified doctor has told her to eat what she can, when she can that is all that matters not a lecture by someone who thinks they know best and can't wait to say it.
I wish you all the best op 💐

Ahh bless, cant imagine what you are going through. Sometimes we just want to eat what we enjoy, and you have lost alot of weight. So I dont know where the harm in that; you friend should be more supportive

I'm so sorry you are going through this. When the shit hits the fans your true friends will show who they really are. She is not supportive and has made you feel worse not better.

Tell how she made you feel and see her reaction.

It may be that she does care about you hence wanting you to eat healthy but it came over as rude. It's also possible that the reality of cancer and how it can happen to anyone hit her and she is struggling to handle this and finding ways to claw back some control (in her mind) and eating healthy. These are not excuses for her.

A real friend will listen to you and support you.

Youtube may not be a reliable source of diet advice in cancer.

This is horrible - suggesting that OP will make her cancer worse by eating food that she already knows wouldn’t be a big part of a healthy diet. But there is no evidence at all that the pizza and chocolate will make her cancer worse.. even if she only had pizza for the rest of her treatment

And going against medical advice which is to eat whatever she can because that will help her get better quickest - utterly irresponsible as well as victim blaming nasty

my poor love - some people are so scared of cancer that they do this to convince themselves it won’t happen to them , but that’s not how it works

Op knows that healthy eating is optimal-we all do!

If she hasn't eaten much for several weeks then isn't something better than nothing?

has said several times I need to eat healthy food.

I'm sure Op "got the message" the first time.

I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

No words.

Op,she is your friend and probably cares for you deeply .
I understand your frustrations but kicking her out is unfair

I hope you're ok op, I don't know anything about food and cancer but I don't think it's anyone's place to tell you what to eat, that's between you and your doctor. Hopefully there's something you fancy for breakfast this morning and you can eat it in peace, then I think you should ask friend to leave.

I really hope you feel and get well moving forward

I think we know how doctors feel now. How many times do they have to listen to their patients say, oh but I read somewhere that I can get cancer from eating something I shouldn't. Thankfully, the majority of voters listen to the practicing medical experts, not the academics on radio or podcasts.

Having seen my mum lose more than half her body weight during cancer, I would've been delighted to have seen mum eat what you did, honestly, absolutely delighted. It's very hard to eat under the treatment and even the cancer itself can rob a person of their appetite.

I think your friend is sanctimonious. If she can't see her friend enjoy food on your b'day (which is a free pass anyway!), and who's life is going through a major turmoil then she's not being a friend that you need around you right now, however well-meaning she may have been. One thing I will say though as my family has been affected by cancer a lot is that a lot of people say stupid shit that comes from a good place but honestly, they've been stupid, unkind and really off the mark with their 'advice'. I presume it's because they want to help but don't know how.

Sorry OP that you're going through this and hope it goes really well in the future.

I don’t think OP is going to feel comfortable eating in front of this “friend” if she stays.

But it is about what she’s said, and I think the so-called friend needs to know that. She was (imo) insensitive to the point of bullying, and I don’t see any problem with pointing this out. For me, if that ended the friendship, well, it clearly wouldn’t have been one worth trying to salvage.

Edited to add that if the OP did take this approach, she’d be saying to the friend ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, when the opposite is true. I think that does everyone a disservice.

Goodness me, no, I'm definitely not an expert! But other people are and I've read some very interesting results of studies and trials over the past 15 years or so that have convinced me that food is a remarkable medicine.
I became interested when a friend was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. I'm just an interested bystander, not an expert of any kind and not in the medical profession. Sorry if I gave that impression.

I must apologise if I came across as "policing" someone's food. That's not on. I obviously worded my post wrongly somehow.

Tell her it's in her best interest that she leaves today as your ordering a Chinese takeaway for lunch.
Wishing you all the very best and happy belated birthday 💐

Good grief! Whilst I’m all for healthy eating, hasn’t she heard of “a little bit of what you fancy does you good’?? Def ask her to leave, the insensitive cow!

When my mum had cancer my aunt was like this. She did it in front of my Nana on Christmas Day and my Nana gave her a proper telling off, it was actually quiet funny seeing a grown woman get told off for being nasty to her sister.

Your friend was absolutely being a dick, some health freaks really don’t know when to leave it. Sometimes I wonder if they’re just hangry. Hope you feel better soon OP and I hope you enjoyed your pizza!!

At the end of the day even if the friend is right about healthy eating and even if it came from a position of care - she should have mentioned it once and then, once OP made it clear that she was not receptive to her advice, shut the fuck up. Not kept on repeating it and being disapproving.

There's a time and a place for friendly advice, haranguing a cancer patient on their birthday after they have made it clear they are not interested at this point in time is not kind or caring.

Oof. This is such a sensitive subject and it’s difficult to discuss without people feeling judged.

But I do think two things can be true simultaneously:

It’s true that the foods you eat can affect your body’s chance of fighting off the cancer. It’s not just a preventative thing pre-cancer; diet can make a difference to the progression of the cancer and the effectiveness of the treatment. There’s plenty of solid research proving this. It’s not a miracle cure of course, but it’s another tool to use.

But:

It’s also vital to keep your weight up and get nutrients in your body. And for many people with cancer, the importance of getting food in outweighs the importance of eating the “right” foods. If you aren’t eating and/or need the nutrients and calories, then worrying about proactively eating the right foods is not as important as just getting the calories in.

In an ideal world, people with cancer would avoid those foods that cancer likes and increase the foods that help fight cancer. But in reality, it’s a matter of priorities. To borrow an adage from the breastfeeding debate - “fed is best”. Managing to tolerate food, keeping your weight up, and giving your body fuel takes precedence here.

I think there are people out there who understand that cancer can be affected by what you eat - but who don’t realise how difficult it is to eat anything at all sometimes, and how dangerous that is.

Hugs to all going through cancer. It’s an absolute fucker 💐

If you kick her out i reckon the relationship will be over.

and this would be a bad thing because?

Your timing was wrong, your wording was wrong. And for someone who's shown an interest in this, you have taken out the human side of it. It is very very hard to eat on chemo. Anything really does help, people need encouragement, support, not judgement.

My friend made all sorts of changes to her diet during her cancer treatment for stage IV breast cancer, including cutting out cheese and sugar and alcohol, she was really strict with it, she had also lost a lot of weight due to treatment. Shortly before she died suddenly (she was living very well) she let loose a bit more at her birthday party and I'm so glad we had that. I wish she'd got to enjoy more delicious cheeses and exquisite chocolates and ice cold wines.

So YANBU, you've listened to your body and it's totally OK to enjoy a pizza. You're not eating greasy processed food every meal. Your friend is right that diet can help make a difference to your health and recovery but she's wrong AF to suggest you're not allowed to enjoy a pizza and chips ever again.

If you're eating processed food every day and every meal, yes, your friend is a good friend for bringing it up. However, if you're otherwise following all the advice and you've just chosen pizza and chips for a weekend treat, the friend has missed the mark.

One meal won't make a huge difference as long as you're eating a balanced and nutritious diet in the long run. It is important to fuel yourself and listen to the research. But when some treatments can make you feel nauseous or ruin your appetite or taste buds, eating for pleasure is an absolute treat, especially when you've had your world rocked by a diagnosis. I really hope you enjoyed your pizza and chips and posh chocolates.

Listen to your doctor, not your judgemental friend. Also let the friend know that she hurt you and you'll be distancing yourself from her for a while to look after your emotional wellbeing at this difficult time.

Actually those studies refer to a small number of specific cancers in a small number of specific scenarios, and note that in other situations far from having a good or no effect, it can make things worse.

Those studies are important, and work is ongoing in this area, but they are in their infancy and until the research is concluded across all cancers and situations, following that blanket advice in all situations is very dangerous.

Yes on a population level, diets high in UPFs will increase cancer rates. No for an individual who already has cancer eating a pizza and some chocolate is not going to do anything harmful to them at all. Eating when faced with lost appetite, changed tastebuds, managing to get some pleasure from food, sharing food experiences with supportive friends and family - all of this is far more beneficial than forcing down a carrot or some ground up apricot kernels or whatever other bollocks the OP's "friend" was suggesting.

This is exactly it, and what I meant when I said upthread about food nazis never differentiating between the occasional bit of 'unhealthy' food and stuffing your face with it all the time. Here we have a woman in the immediate aftermath of cancer treatment, who hasn't been able to eat much at all of late, whose own doctor has said just eat anything to get the calories in, and who has told us about one day where she ate a pizza and some chocolate. And yet her friend still saw fit to have a pop and we still have the 'Well actually...' brigade on here telling us what they've heard on Radio 4 about cancer and diet in general like it's somehow relevant. Does my head in.