AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Ask her to keep her healthy food rants to herself.
Ask her to leave asap.
I think its ok to be eating whatever you feel like and ypu have been given doctor advise...Not that it matters.
As a grown up you choose goven what you have endured.
Say...On your bike love!

You can eat whatever you want to! You are not being unreasonable.

Well said.
The healthiest people i know have/ had cancer.

Actually you can easily find studies illustrating that your gut microbes directly determine response to cancer treatments. Evidence is growing all the time, both about specific foods and fibre.

I wish I’d known about it when my sister was being treated with immunotherapy, because it makes a massive difference there. But she was told eat sugar and McDonald’s if you want, as long as you get calories. We didn’t know then that the ingredients were likely to fuel her cancel and deplete the microbes that could have helped her respond. It’s too late for her now. But it might not be for others.

I would never have wanted to make her feel bad for her food choices at such a horrendous time. But I so wish we’d had the evidence that is available now. I will always, always wonder what difference it could have made.

As someone who rushed to make homemade chips in dripping for my mum at 8:15 one morning, when she had secondary liver cancer, because she fancied them, I would say you eat what you can, when you can. Nobody else's business.

I wish you peace on your journey to recovery.

"Most cancer doctors" may not know much about the intricacies of nutrition, which is why hospitals here in the UK, also have oncology dietitians, who DO understand about cancer and diet. These dietitians also understand that cancer cachexia can inhibit survival rate much more powerfully, than pizzas or donuts or milkshakes ever could.

Also, weight loss impacts on how much medication can be used on a patient. When going through chemo or radiotherapy, it is extremely important for patients to try and maintain their weight at all costs, or risk further problems.

And people need to stop taking medical advice from tv programs, influencers, and clickbait articles. None of whom will take responsibility if someone dies from following their dodgy pronouncements.

Oncologists do NOT want their patients to die. They are constantly updating their knowledge around cancer treatments, and strategies to improve survivability rates.

My son had cancer, and all the oncologists involved in his care were constantly investigating potential strategies to improve his chances of survival. At the same time, we had family and friends advising him (people with no clinical or scientific expertise whatsoever)) to follow any number of batshit strategies - many of which could have actively harmed him, rather than be of any benefit.

So true.
Dh is a very healthy eater, I'm not.
We both have cancer.

Hope you’re ok OP and you have a stress free day.

from the person who ate all the meat pie and chips and gravy (that hadn’t eaten for days that’s also on a bc journey)

I wonder how many tomatoes OP would need to eat to mitigate her extreme weight loss.

She sounds jealous that for whatever reason she can't eat pizza & chocolate

Sending you best wishes for your treatment.

Your friend is a judgemental twat who doesn't know how to keep her ill-informed opinions to herself and thinks she has more right to spout them than to show compassion to her friend.

Please do ask her to leave and not come back until she's done some reflection about her behaviour.

The same to posters on here making similar comments.

Yes on a population level, diets high in UPFs will increase cancer rates. No for an individual who already has cancer eating a pizza and some chocolate is not going to do anything harmful to them at all. Eating when faced with lost appetite, changed tastebuds, managing to get some pleasure from food, sharing food experiences with supportive friends and family - all of this is far more beneficial than forcing down a carrot or some ground up apricot kernels or whatever other bollocks the OP's "friend" was suggesting.

Have a magnum as well OP and enjoy it xx

So sorry I pressed the wrong one I meant to vote YANBU, friend is very wrong to stress you out over nothing like this. You’ve had a treat that’s all, the doctor said eat whatever you can so friend’s pious opinion can get in the sea!

Enjoy further treats, and I wish you every success with your health battle and more supportive friends for the future ❤️

Hopefully the treatment will do its job and you’ll be back to your usual self.

If she’s a friend, she cares. Presumably she’s got form for bluntness. Why can’t you just say ‘don’t bang on about my diet, I’m doing the best I can’. Asking her to leave, seems very final, can’t you get her to cook some healthy options, win:win.

this is the current advice from cancer UK on how to maintain weight or gain it. The definition of a healthy diet can vary massively during various illnesses. In any case, it is not a "friends" job to give such advice (we had it when my husband was dying and I wanted to KILL the "friend") and definitely not their job to bang on about it. OP kick this friend out as soon as you like and tell them why.
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/physically/diet-problems/managing/putting-on-weight/boosting-energy

Some people are very fixed with their views on food and the friend seems to be projecting hers onto the OP. Yes, we all know the importance of a healthy diet, but when you are sick and nauseous, eating anything at all is a win! And will help you to get much needed calories in.

Edited to add that, if your friend can't stop preaching to you, then she needs to leave.

I was also told by my son's oncologist, dietician AND gastro consultant when he was going through cancer treatment that sugar etc feeding cancer is a myth.

FGS honestly these people that always eat healthy and feel entitled to have an opinion despite any other circumstances going on are bloody sociopathic. Have an ounce of self awareness!! OP be really clear about your boundaries with her, tell her you don’t want to hear one more thing about food or nutrition unless you ask.

Whatever that evidence is that you haven’t actually cited - the oncologist treating OP has decided that it’s not significant enough to set out dietary guidelines and restrictions. That clinical expert has advised that OP eats what she wants, what she can stomach, and when she wants it. Something that some anonymous person on MN has read on the internet has no bearing here. Same for her self-identified nutritional expert of a ‘friend’.

your friend meant well because she cares.

however she was clumsy and didnt appreciate that just now you should be able to eat a bit of crap food if you want.

If you kick her out i reckon the relationship will be over.

so i’d just agree to disagree on what food is best right now and reiterate that youll get back to normal healthy eating soon. She couod make home made healthy non processed pizza for you in the meantime though?

all the best with your recovery.

Well, I don't believe I mentioned anything about there being anything "wrong" with having a pizza. Did I mention salad?

Your friend is rude.
If she wants to show you that she 'cares', there's the mop, there's the polish & dusters. She can do something bloody USEFUL.

As a breast cancer survivor, I think the relationship deserves to be over. It’s bad enough recovering from chemotherapy without the food police making unnecessary remarks.

YANBU to be upset, however, if I was your friend I would be trying to convey a similar message with maybe some more tact.
Your friend is showing she cares about you just not in a very sensitive way.
I am in remission from cancer and try and eat healthily about 80% of the time. I watch Dr William Li on YouTube who is an oncologist who gives great advice around nutrition and explains the biochemistry/ research involved - he is very inspiring.
Please don’t be too hard on your friend- I think it’s coming from a good place. I wish you well on your road to recovery.

To be honest, if any friend had told me that I was making my son's cancer worse despite me having already told her about his consultant saying to eat what he wants then the friendship would be over anyway.

Oh, I absolutely agree with you. My reply was directed to FashionVixen, not to the OP.