AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

Hardly. That’s not how it works.

It does actually, or can do. It’s different from being raised catholic from birth. It’s common for adults and older children to be baptised and go through first confession/ communion/ confirmation in a relatively short space of time.

is he an only child? Just wondered if his siblings could help talk him into spending time with them and you?

I doubt it. If I've got the right poster, the younger child is quite severely autistic and may be non verbal. I think that the older son felt that his brother's needs negatively impinged upon him.

It can with adult baptism/confirmation/first communion in a series within one Mass.

@Booksandcatsandtea this is sad and concerning. It should take 6 months to a year of prep via RCIA / a catechist for adult baptism. And both parents should be involved. The Church is not keen on undermining familial bonds.

What church is this? Are they a mainstream RC church? Or are they strict Latin Mass trad catholics or SSPX schismatics?

Where are you based? DM if you like, and I can try to find local points of contact? You deserve to have some good conversations about these developments. Maybe with religious sisters, or Jesuits. Your nearest Jesuits would be a good port of call.

My issue here would be the confirmation as a Catholic first and foremost, then me not knowing, but are you a Catholic family or was he christened Catholic with your knowledge or was the whole thing out of nowhere? Need a little context.

Odd your child didn’t mention it!

That doesnt sound like a Christian thing to do at all i.e arrange your sons confirmation without your knowledge. Picture with a halo sounds creepy to me and akin to indoctrination. Id be furiuos but probably not much you can do.

Ex did attend a catholic school growing up but when we met he described himself as an atheist and a man of science. Although he also said his catholic upbringing never fully left him. Ex then said last autumn how DS was going to be attending church and going to be baptised. I knew about the confirmation lessons but I had no knowledge as to when his baptism took place and no opportunity to wish DS all the best etc.
When he first met the priest I wished him good luck and ex text to tell me how wishing DS good luck before meeting a priest did not go down well and it was made out that I had done something horrible to DS or that I was insinuating something/being sarcastic.

@Booksandcatsandtea your ex is a complete and utter prick and a shit parent but this is absolutely not your hill.

Buy him (your son) a card, throw in some money (well that is what you give where I live) then any opportunity you can build things up with your son, do it.

You need to be completely strategic and not get bogged down by side issues. Your ex will happily destroy your son’s relationship with you. Just don’t give him any rope.

SSPX isnt schismatic 😎

You would have to start by having contact with your child and being present in their life first before getting upset about "that religious bullshit"

She has no contact or proper relationship with her son, attending the baptism is the least of her problems.

Thanks, I’ll do that 💕

Yes. All religion is bullshit

So you don't have any friends or want to mix with people who are Jewish, Islamic or Sikh ?

Interesting. 🤔

Yeah that’s what I thought, not exactly very Christian, I’m just going to let them get on with it, there’s nothing much I can do.

I used to attend church as a child and I enjoyed the sense of community and belonging, mine was a “cool” church with a band and amps 🎶 It was a happy clappy Pentecostal church 😀

Thanks, I’m trying to be chilled out and to give him lots of space. To me it feels like even though I don’t believe it is still a significant step in a child’s life where I would have loved to have seen him and supported him - a bit like when he has his first prom/graduation and all the other big events. It sounds daft but he was wearing his first proper suit, he looked so grown up and smart and it’s painful to have missed seeing him.

Thanks, it’s an awful situation. My lawyer and solicitor saw severe parental alienation but the report writer (a social worker) said it was impossible to alienate an intelligent, articulate 14 year old and that there must have been serious issues in our relationship before ex and I separated. She was biased towards ex and believed his narrative that I’m a home wrecker who never had a relationship with her son. We had a close relationship but the report was full of lies.

So why won't you go to the final hearing this week, knowing that decisions can be made in your absence?

It honestly doesn’t matter who believes what at this age and I’m absolutely not saying that to be an arsehole. My cousin went through an absolutely awful time where her husband managed to alienate their children. She absolutely had her issues in what happened but much more importantly was her road towards reconnecting with them.

She got good therapy. She became really clear on the issues and then she put out olive branches at every opportunity. It has taken 3 years but all of her children are back in her life and they still have a relationship with their father but they are much much clearer on what actually went on. My cousin never ever bent to their narrative she just became what her children needed from her without denying her own experience and came to have really positive relationships with them.

Interestingly it was her son not her daughters who broke away from the father’s narrative first.

This all sounds heart breaking.

Alienating behaviour is incredibly difficult to prove in court. A friend went through this, had clear evidence of some unbelievable things the other parent had done, judge still let them off. And its cost them their life savings.

Contrary to what we know about child development, cafcass like to let the child decide, thus putting a young teen in the middle of it all and no doubt causing more trauma (because they know that whatever they do, someone will be upset). They didn't look into why DC was suddenly rejecting their previously much loved parent, they didn't want to know.

Thankfully as time has moved on, the DC has come round. But its been heartbreaking for all concerned.

I really hope things improve for you OP, its so devastating 💐

I would do what others have said about doing everything you can to build bridges - even though its galling when you didn't cause the rifts. Get good therapy if you can afford it. Be kind to yourself.

This might be a useful link (warning- there's no magic fix)

https://nadynemckie.co.uk/journal/parental-alienation-holding-onto-hope

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It’s heartbreaking and hard to accept this is how it is now. I’m trying to do radical acceptance of the situation as it was having a devastating affect on my mental health. A social worker wrote an addendum report for the court and it was one of the most horrific things I have ever read. The social worker wrote how it’s not possible to alienate an intelligent 14 year old and how there must have been serious issues in our relationship prior to separation. Ex told her there had never been a relationship to begin with and DS repeated these words to her too. She believed every word even when I showed her multiple pictures of us hugging and smiling together, DS told her they were all fake and a part of my public persona.

I took him on a holiday in November to two (!) different countries, he was really affectionate, told me he loved me, hugged me, had seemingly a great time(it was a surprise destination) He told the social worker and my ex that the holiday was horrible, he had a terrible time and how he had to plan the entire trip, it’s very weird as I planned everything and booked it all on my phone. He told the social worker how he would never go on holiday with me again. Ex said the same how poor DS had to take charge of the whole trip, it’s so weird.

So the report was filled with lie upon lie and the SW sided completely with abusive ex and believed everything my son said about me.

SW recommended fortnightly contact for a few hours, it’s a joke really but I’m holding onto the fact that there’s still some contact. I withdrew the CAO as the whole process was a shambles and caused more damage.

My sons been given the power to choose not to see me or his grandparents (very little contact anyway) It doesn’t seem right. Now he is left with his controlling, religiously delusional (I created another post recently about my ex talking about demons inside him 😱) Father and grandmother. It’s very concerning.

Thank you for that link 💕 I’ll check it out.

That’s hopeful that your friends child eventually came around. I am hoping the same, I don’t think this dynamic can last forever but I’m scared it will! I keep reaching out and building a life for myself in the meantime 💕

I keep reaching out and building a life for myself

Realistically, and for your own sanity, this is all you can do.

It is highly likely that he will come around and reconnect with you at some point, but it may take years.

I'm so sorry. 💐

I really hope so. 🤞 It’s a bit like he’s in a cult, it’s hard to describe to those who haven’t experienced it. I keep reaching out and I’m building a full life for myself, I do have his sibling most of the time and he keeps me busy. 💕