AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

Honestly @Booksandcatsandtea you have much bigger fish to fry. Neither DH nor I are religious and our DD got very religious for a while there but so what she is our child we help and encourage her to explore things.

You need to find ways to get into your child’s life not to cause further distance, conflict and tension by picking holes in the stuff that matters to him at the moment.

He is a teen, pick your battles.

Was this Catholicism?

catholics have first confession, first holy communion before confirmation. So they wouldn’t have had baptism and confirmation on the same day, because it misses out the holy communion.

it’s generally about 6 months of lessons for communion. Usually primary school age. Confirmation is done a lot older as it’s expected you have a detailed understanding of what’s being asked, the catechism etc.

i would find it unusual that a priest would do more than one ceremony in a day. Holy communion ceremonies are usually done as a group.

Not really im a very lapsed catholic so certainly dont have a deep faith but 14 is old enough to decide if he wants to be confirmed its not terrible parenting for a father to support his son in his religious choices
It may just be a phase at the moment.

Its many years since i was confirmed
And i was confirmrd by the Bishop but he confirmed loads of us at the same time
.

This is perfectly put and I think you should take it onboard OP.

Also, many people turn to religion at stressful times in their lives and obviously divorce is stressful for kids anyway.

He clearly wants this now (even if he changes his mind later), so it'll do him no harm by the sound of it.

At 14 it wouldnt be up to you.

Have you contacted the church about this? Bit odd that a Roman catholic one wouldn't want to speak to the mother.

I’ve tried everything to be in his life, tried to sort things out just me, ex and DS, tried mediation (ex refused), applied to court for a CAO which resulted in false accusations from ex and sharing of all legal documents and adult issues with DS. DS furious that I “took him to court” and it made him more entrenched with his Dad unfortunately. Ex pushed the narrative that I destroyed DS life and ex uses him as a confidant. Ex mil joining in and pushing the narrative that I’m a terrible person to DS. Big change in DS attitude to me and also to my family who hardly see him now. It’s not a nice situation.

Court was such a traumatic experience that it left me with suicidal feelings especially as ex convinced the court that the relationship had never existed and that we had had loads of Issues prior to separation (me and DS I mean) It was terrible and I have had to withdraw and take the pressure off DS.

On the face of it, it's unreasonable for you not to be informed, but presumably it was your DS's choice? At 14 he can surely decide for himself. I think you just have to play the waiting game and let him know the door is always open to him.

It seems a confirmation is the least of your worries.
I’d focus on the big stuff if I were you.

The court experience left you with suicidal feelings but you withdrew to take the pressure off your 'DS'?

How very Christian of your Ex.
What an utter arsehole.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a horrible situation 😔 given the history, I would let this go - DS may well have not wanted you to know about it and you are likely to cause further estrangement if you complain to the ex about him not telling you. It sounds like you really have to pick your battles here.

Don't give up hope, keep in touch with your son as best you can and remember that things can change over time. Your son will grow up and your ex will have less influence over him in time. I hope you and your son will get to have a close and loving relationship again in time 🙏

I did try to speak to the priest via email but it was difficult to arrange a face to face meeting with him. I’m pretty sure that my ex and his mother would have spun a lie that I’m not in his life and that he has no contact with his mother etc. I tried to meet the priest but I was concerned about DS’s reaction if he had found out that I had done that.

Yes, this was Catholism, in my Catholic Church, by my Catholic Priest.

Confirmation is a re-confirmation of the vows taken at Baptism, as you are a child when baptised, and you say then again (Confirmation) when you understand that they mean, and on your own behalf (rather than your parents doing it on your behalf)

If you are a Young Adult / Adult, you are already aware of what you are doing, and the vows you are taking … so you don’t need to do them twice.

It’s odd that your son kept this information from you. At 14 he’s old enough to make his own decision about his religion.
Sounds like your DS is searching for something too, exploring religion, look there is far more harmful things out there for a list 14 year old to explore.
A lot of young people are getting baptised now, there is a rise in followers.

Have you got a good lawyer? Sounds like parental alienation to me. How awful for you. Does he make you pay child support while ensuring you get no nights?

Why did you try to speak to the priest and arrange a meeting with him, if you weren't going to try to put a stop to it?

It doesn't make sense.

There's lots of information on Google, so why did you want a face to face with the priest?

He didn't ensure the OP has no rights.

The OP didn't want to go to court again.

At 14 I wouldn’t say it’s your ex that needs to tell you about it if your son doesn’t want to. Personally I wouldn’t start causing additional conflict over this when there’s clearly bigger issues.

Baptism and confirmation would not usually be held at the same time or even a very short time apart. I think if your DS has wanted this it's fine

That’s tough OP. I hope things improve. I understand why you took the pressure off DS.

Post him a confirmation card with a positive message to congratulate him, don’t add anything emotional or negative, don’t say I wish I could have been there, keep it zipped, only a congratulations and a crisp note.

Celebrate it for him, if you can’t beat them, have patience and fake it until you make it.

I wouldn’t contact the priest again, what’s done is done and it’ll get you in trouble with DS.

It was clear that nothing could be done unfortunately due to DS age. He has made it clear from the start that he would not be forced into contact, he even told the report writer things like we’ve never had a relationship and we do no activities together which isn’t true, I showed the report writer many pictures of me and DS hugging and smiling and DS said it’s all fake and part of my public persona, that none of it is real. It’s very sad. His entire history has been rewritten now.

Why the badgering? That poster doesn't have to confirm anything to you. You don't need to understand their world view.

OP, I can understand this would be upsetting, the brainwashing side would trouble me mostly, but at 14 there isn't a lot you can do.

But this is clearly how he feels.

That's what you need to work on, not which religion he's chosen to give him some comfort.

Why did you want a face to face meeting with the priest if you were never going to try and put a stop to it?