AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

Sounds like your son was the one who didn't want you to know then, rather than your ex making the decision to not tell you. At 14 I would expect a teenager to tell the other parent of an even that was happening, not the ex.,

That shouldn’t be possible. You can’t get your kids baptized without permission of both parents. My exh tried.

And was your child 14 years old at the time?

Just to have a better understanding of what was involved in confirmation etc. I don’t know that much about the catholic faith, I’d never try and put a stop to it though. I was also going to ask the priest if he needed both parents permission to have a child confirmed.

Do you have parental rights?
How long have you been out of your son's life - you need to be honest with yourself, is it your ex that is alienating your son from you or have you done/said something that has hurt your son and he is the one keeping you away

Have you posted a lot about this on here op? Is there a huge back story?

I do have parental rights. It’s coming up to a year since I separated from Ex. There’s alienation as ex has shared absolutely everything with DS, details about finances, legal info, private matters from our marriage (where ex physically threatened me and he told me that he told DS about how I was upset and DS thought I was ridiculous) heavily involved his mother early on and I was quickly erased. It is complicated though and I acknowledge how I was the one to end the marriage, ex was very angry (I left due to abuse) and I can see how DS blamed me for the break up as I was the one to end it.

He’s also furious at me for taking him to court (DS is) and says he will never forgive me for taking him to court. Even though I tell him it’s for a bit more structure and it’s cos I want to protect our relationship. He’s furious and so angry that I applied to court, I told him I’d withdraw a few months ago then ex wrote a load of lies in the child impact report then I had to challenge the report which lost his trust unfortunately.

A mother can never give up her parental rights except where a court has removed them.

My DB’s son’s mother was violent to my DN and my DB before DN was a year old. She has rarely been in DN’s life but she still has parental responsibility.

Isn't the decision hearing this week though?

If you don't attend that, they can make decisions without you can't they?

At the end of the day he doesn’t want a relationship with you, so it’s not surprising that you weren’t told.

“The ex turned the kids against me” is unfortunately the line which is generally trotted out by parents who don’t have relationships with their kids, followed by some reason as to why they couldn’t possibly go to court, although I grant you that going to court for access to a 14 year old is pretty pointless.

His confirmation is the least of your worries, you first need to own your part in the breakdown of your relationship with your DS. These things are never black and white. Especially at this age.

Of course I’m not surprised. I just wanted to clarify that bringing up children in other faiths (not just Christian) is ‘terrible parenting’ as the poster I replied to stated.

It just seems strange to have rarely seen him and have no say in decisions that usually require consent from both parents - wondered if they had been terminated

And yes I think I remember you now. You were the one who wanted to force your DS to spend overnights with you.

Well, quite simply, we are on a chat forum so I presumed posters were here to, you know, chat. The poster I quoted stated that bringing up children in the Catholic faith was ‘terrible parenting’. I wondered if that applied equally to all religions so I directly asked them. Not sure why that is ‘badgering’ someone.

I would be so disappointed if one of my children went along with this nonsense.

If it was aided by my ex husband I don't even know what i would think. Perhaps it woukd be easier to think it was coercive control from my ex rather than a sudden critical thinking failure of my teenager.

Perhaps he's found comfort in the 'nonsense' that he couldn't find growing up with two warring parents.

And here it is again- the idea that believing in a religion is ‘nonsense’ or a ‘critical thinking failure’. As with the previous poster I asked this of, do you also feel that believing in other world religions, such as Islam, is a ‘critical thinking failure’. Would you also consider their religion to be ‘nonsense’?

Absolutely. It's for the weak minded. The opium of the masses.

ex convinced the court that the relationship had never existed and that we had had loads of Issues prior to separation (me and DS I mean)

Was there any issues with you and DS before you split?
Why did he live with his dad and not you?

Forget about the issues between you and ex.
Luckily your DS is at an age where you don’t need to go through ex.

Focus on rebuilding your relationship.
Start with congratulating him on the confirmation and send him a special gift and card.

Hi OP,
This sounds a sad situation. I'm sorry you are going through that.

If you don't believe in God/religion then the confirmation is not so significant really.

Sadly I think for now you will need to give your son the space he wants and when you interact with him be in the role of a supportive friend. That was your ex will struggle to continue to paint you negatively.

Your son will soon be grown so I would focus on trying to be able to have pleasant communication with him over exercising parental responsibility.

That’s really interesting and I appreciate your direct answer- thank you. Is this a view you would share in real life? I’m thinking particularly about Islam here. I meet many people who are very willing to vocally speak out against Christianity, but have not met many who would do the same against other religions such as Islam.

"I could have at least been able to wish DS well"
Whis him well? Why? Wouldn't you have been there?

Gosh, why don't you start your own thread about this?

Lots of people despise organised religion and yes, that includes Islam.

But you're taking the OP's thread on a tangent which is not fair.

Gosh, you seem to be the self appointed thread police 😂

I would share it if someone was talking openly with me. Obviously I don't walk around shouting about it. My ex was a Muslim and my views are the same about all religions.