AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

Exactly this. There is a sense of community and calm that I hadn't felt before and I wasn't far off this boys age.

I'm an awful Catholic now in terms of how often I attend mass, but I know it's there for me whenever I need it, and it does genuinely bring me comfort. If it brings people peace and a sense of belonging I'm all for it, no matter the religion. It's radicals who are my only issue when it comes to religion.

I think it’s normal to do it that way for an adult convert. Our friends then girlfriend became a catholic before they got married and it was just called a confirmation ceremony so very different to what we’d all been used to .

This may help explain what is required for Baptism to take place

https://sjiparish.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/08/Baptism-FAQ-1.pdf

Are you not more concerned that's he's been indoctrinated . Most 14 Yr olds are just enjoying friendships and finding out who they are , having a first girlfriend etc . Hopefully he'll come to his senses when he matures . I would be upset about him being fully integrated into a delusion rather than the x not letting me know .

That's your answer then. Hard as it is to accept, your son didn't want you to be involved.

This sounds like a classic case of parental alienation. Cafcass are meant to treat this seriously. Your ex shouldn’t be showing your son all this info for a start. I’d be inclined to go back to court. Soon when he’s older you won’t be able to do anything about it. Please try now so you can hopefully get some time with your son to explain your side of things at the very least x

It may be that your son is being brainwashed, or something else has happened to turn him against you. All you can realistically do is try and be there for him if and when he needs you and, in the meantime make it clear to him that you’ll always be there for him.

But also do some research on ‘parental alianayion’, not only to give you a clearer idea of the legalities but also, hopefully, give you some pointers on how you might help repair the relationship.

I would also suggest counselling for yourself as this situation must affect your psychological and emotional state.

It wouldn't be your choice. Trying to coerce a child out of religion is no better than trying to coerce them into it.

OP, YABU. It sounds as if it is your son's choice not to let you know about this. It isn't your business to try to control him and it sounds as if he would resent your interference.

No, we were really close, did loads together, had 1-1 holidays, baking, reading, going for walks, meals, loads of stuff. No issues as far as I know and he was affectionate and he was the same with my parents who he has now also rejected despite being really close to them.

We agreed to share custody 50/50. I was foolish and volunteered to be the one to leave the family home. I was very stupid and as soon as I left the family home ex involved his mother heavily (who despises me) and my contact became less and less and I was slowly erased. Ex holds all the power now. I do admit that DS loves the family home and doesn’t like to think he’s being forced to do anything. So there’s parental alienation (I have lots of proof) there’s also the fact that he’s a teenager who doesn’t like change and dislikes the idea of being forced. Also I was the one to leave and end the marriage and he’s very angry with me, I do worry he feels like I left him even though we discussed shared custody and agreed 50/50. Hrs been through a lot.

Is no one else intrigued by the matching religious t shirts???

How am I trying to control him? I just said it was a bit shitty to find out via a mum friend that his confirmation pictures were all over facebook. I wouldn’t say anything though,

How many DC do you have OP?

Why did you need to know that if you weren't going to try to stop it? Your story isn't adding up and you are coming across as somewhat disingenuous. If a man came on here and posted what you're posting, he would receive scant sympathy.

What was your reason for leaving the marriage?

OP hasn't given any indication that she wants to control her son. She just wants to be involved in what was a big event in his life, as indeed she is supposed to be according to the tenets of the Catholic religion.

Thank you, yes I would give anything to be involved and to have been able to have attended the confirmation. It was painful to find out from a mum friend and really awkward too. I’d love the opportunity to support him in his religious journey even if I don’t believe myself.

He was abusive.

It must be upsetting to be left out of what seems like a significant occasion in your son’s life, but honestly, I was christened as a baby, went through the communion/ confirmation and it has had next to no part of my life since then.
It probably seems like a big deal now but nothing magical or irreversible happens at confirmation. The catholic faith is not like a cult or something. Their teachings are quite watered down now too.
It may be an important part of your son’s life going forward but he’s very unlikely to be devout or become a priest or anything like that. People who put photos of themselves in special t shirts on social media are probably the least likely to be sincerely committed to their faith.
It seems to me like your ex may even be deliberately winding you up tbh. Just ignore and leave them to it. It’s possible your son finds some kind of comfort in having faith and at his age I’d say leave him to it.
The rest all sounds very complicated and upsetting. I hope that it all gets resolved and you get to have a relationship with your son in the future.

Hang on, are you the poster who was going to pay for the iPhone screen to be replaced but couldn't tell DS that ex was going to pay half?

If you are that poster. Do not engage at all. Ex is using DS to abuse you and DS is now complicit in it.

I do worry he feels like I left him even though we discussed shared custody and agreed 50/50
You discussed shared custody with your teenaged son? that is really inappropriate, and you've complained your ex confided in him too much? Poor kid certainly has been through a lot at a pivotal time in his life; and from his point of view if you say your ex was abusive why on earth did you abandon him with your ex if that were true? (not saying this is what happened just trying to see things through his teenaged eyes).

OP has already acknowledged that she was stupid to agree to 50/50 and leave the family home. No point beating her up about it. She needs counselling to help process all this shit, accept that there isn’t much she can do right now to restore her relationship with her son, and move forward with a more positive mindset.

Then yes, you’re right to feel miffed, but the actions you need to make are to message your son to say that you have seen the pictures and are so proud of him. He looked great in his suit and you respect his decision to be confirmed.

Then leave it there.

I think I realise who this poster is now. They are indeed the same one as on the thread you mentioned, they change usernames rather a lot. I seem to remember there was a thread a couple of years ago when the father wanted the son to steal (by not reporting finding) a set of airpods. I think the family is Irish or there is some connection with Ireland, and the younger son is autistic. It's a shitshow all around, if I'm thinking of the right person.

Yep that’s me. He was insistent that we hide the fact that ex paid half towards it but it felt like a trap. Let’s just say that there’s been multiple similar situations where I’ve ended up being painted as the bad guy to DS which was done so much damage.