AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

How much contact do you have with DS? I’d have thought he’d have told you it was happening as part of daily chat?

I think it would be unusual for baptism to happen without knowledge of both parents. Typically there are preparation sessions too.
I’d be miffed too. Would you have been against it if asked?

How involved are you with DS? I’d of thought at 14 he could invite you or at least mention it if he wanted to

Can't believe this was never discussed with you . Or do you not have regular contact with DS .

What’s more weird is that you don’t seem to be involved in your own son’s life. How has this come about?

Isnt it a bit off of the priest to do this without inviting you? Weird. Why didn’t your son tell you about it? Did he want to be confirmed?

At 14 children are allowed to have much more of a voice themselves. It would have been a nice thing if your ex had told you but is that a reflection on the reality of your relationship as much as anything?

I’d focus not so much on this specific issue, but on what it’s a sign of. Do you see your son? If so, did he not mention this? If you see him, then did he not want to tell you, or did your ex tell him not to?

Same church as Mil ? If so theres your issue possibly in your marriage too 💐 sympathies with you

What is your contact arrangement with your child?

Did you not read how many times OP wrote ex? So, yes, I'd assume there was a problem in her marriage.

Do you have contact with DS? I'd have thought he would tell you himself if so.

He must have been baptised and had first holy communion in order to be confirmed. Did you attend these events? Did they happen when married?

if so, the confirmation at 14 isn’t really unexpected?

Not at all and I would have supported him in whatever way he needed me to. It was made out from early on that I was against it when ex told me that him and his mother were baptising DS/confirmation lessons. but I only questioned the fact that they should have spoken to me first. Ex made up stuff to DS telling him how I stopped him getting baptised as a baby but ex was an atheist and showed no interest in religion.

Apologies-see the baptism happened at the same time as confirmation.

So weird that he would induce his own son to buy into that nonsense before the boy is 18 and able to make an informed choice on his own.

My dm did the same, pressured me into confirmation at 13. I haven't been near a church since and would drill my own teeth before taking communion. Terrible parenting.

He was never baptised as a baby, after we separated last summer the conversion to Catholicism happened very quickly after we separated, there was no talk of it before and we never attended church etc.

What about his communion? And first confession?
He can’t have been confirmed without having done First Holy Communion.
How old is your son?
It’s very unlikely a catholic priest will have done so many of the sacraments in close succession especially without consulting both parents. It doesn’t work like that.

I do have contact with DS but when it comes to the Catholic religion and church he won’t discuss it with me and tells me it’s none of my business.

What is your contact arrangement?

I think he started attending last autumn and has been attending confirmation lessons. Ex has told me he’s now had his first holy communion and baptism.

So don't blame your ex then.

He was just doing what your 14 year old wanted.

And as much as I get it's upsetting, at that age his wishes should be very firmly considered.

Not much contact and no arrangement unfortunately despite me trying to put something in place.

i think this all sounds odd.

it might be best to stress to DS that you will always love and support him. Then you are leaving the door open if he wants to have more contact/ talk further.

Then I think YABU.

If this were reversed and a mum had full custody, there’s no way she should be expected to keep her ex updated on all that is happening with the child.
The same is true for you.

If you want to be an active part of your child’s life, get things sorted out, quickly. Until then, it’s on him, and you can’t complain if you’re not included.