AIBU to feel upset my ex hid our son’s catholic confirmation from me?

[Booksandcatsandtea]

DS (14) lives with his Dad since I separated from ex. I found out a couple of weeks ago via a mum friend that ex had DS baptised/confirmed (catholic) and the photos were all over Facebook of DS in a smart suit (his first suit) with ex and ex’s mother and family.

Me and my family knew nothing about this, AIBU to be upset that I didn’t know this was happening and ex could have sent a text to let me know? I could have at least been able to wish DS well.

Today ex has sent me the videos and photos from the confirmation of DS looking smart in his suit and pictures of his family next to DS. He then text saying “I am so proud of DS”

AIBU to think it’s pretty shitty that I had no idea?

ex and DS now have matching religious t-shirts and religious paraphernalia in the family home. Ex’s recent WhatsApp profile picture was an AI generated photo of him in the middle with a halo, the light of god shining on him and two angels either side of him 😳

Because of COURSE it was the mil’s fault, not the boy’s dad or the fil.

They often do that for adults or older children.
What is your objection to it?

Why is this? Have you been to court? Sounds like there’s a massive back story here….

I would be beyond furious. I don't want my DS mixed up in that religious bullshit

Sadly, that probably explains why.
Take care OP

Sounds like the priest has fallen for ex’s stories about your attitude, as well as DS.

Just keep comms open with your son OP. He’ll realise at some point what’s going on.

Baptism and Confirmation can happen at the same time for young adults / adults. We had an adult baptism the other week, and he was confirmed at the same time.

The objection seems to be that her ex didn't tell her in advance, even though her 14 year old child who she has no contact arrangements with, has expressed he feels it's none of her business.

You would have no say in it. At 14, he's old enough to decide what he believes or doesn't. And he doesn't live with the OP, reducing options even further.

So he did tell you, you did know it was coming, and he didn’t hide it from you. You’ve said it yourself.

if the sexes were reversed and the mum had primary custody with an ex who had little to no contact you’d be told to jog on OP. I’m sort of intrigued by the matching religious T-shirt comment - I married to a Catholic and all my inlaws are Catholic and despite attending many religious ceremonies I have never seen matching religious T-shirts. I think they are the least of your worries.

It sounds like DS wanted ex to keep it from you and so I think ex did the right thing.

What have you said to DS about it since?
Have you congratulated him?
Sent him a gift/money and card to show your support?

I’d usually agree but at 14 if the child doesn’t want to stay at mums that’s likely to be the end of court action.

OP- tbh I wouldn’t worry about it. It doesn’t mean anything to you, seems to to your DS, and unless you’re catholic it’s just a load of words. Try and forget about it

That’s not how it works though?

Do you feel like this about children being introduced to all religions as children / teens, for example Islam or Judaism, or is it just Catholicism / other Christian denominations? I often find people who are vehemently against so-called religious ‘nonsense’ / indoctrination from Christian families would never dare to say the same about other faiths - I find that very interesting and wonder why that is 🤔

Of course, you may well think that bringing children up in the Islamic faith is ‘nonsense’ as well- just thought it might be interesting for you to clarify if that is the case.

Is it possible DS didn't tell you because he thought you'd be against it?

Why is he not living with you and what is the reason for DS not keeping up contact? How’s your relationship with DS before you split with his dad?

Have you sought legal advice?

Also, if you could just confirm that actively bringing up a child Muslim is also ‘terrible parenting’ that would really help in understanding your world view.

It was made out from early on that I was against it when ex told me that him and his mother were baptising DS/confirmation lessons.

How has he hidden the confirmation from you then?

What did you think the confirmation lessons he told you about were for?

Or are you just annoyed he didn't tell you the date because your 14 year old didn't want you to know?

At 14 it will be all about what ds wants not his father. My dd was baptised and confirmed at 12, I didn’t have to agree even as it’s her not me deciding, different to infant baptism. Seems odd he didn’t mention it but sounds like the relationship is disconnected at best so perhaps not surprising. Work on communication perhaps?

Catholic here.. i do own a small crucifix, and the rosary i got at my first communicion. And a small bible that belonged to my great-great grandma.. but i have never heard of a Catholic tshirt? Or any catholics at my parish AI'ing themselves with halos - that feels a bit blasphemous levels of pride. Sounds a bit odd to me.

That said, while I do think it would be nice if ex told you.. id be working on more access so DS can share that. Surely minimally you regularly talk on the phone?

My concern would be that your son was pressured or unduly influenced by his father. If he chose a religion of his own free will at 14, then he should be supported.

Not being there parenting on a regular basis is really the issue. This should not have been a surprise.

Have you not been to court?

I attended classes from (I think) August until Easter where I had my holy communion and confirmation at Easter vigil.

Why doesn't your son live with you?

It's strange that you seem surprised there are actually people who are against all organised religion?

It's really quite common, even on Mumsnet.