To quiet quit at work due to TTC stress

[Maomee]

NC due to personal nature. Sorry, bit of a rambly and negative one.

Just so utterly fed up with it. On month 10 of TTC now and yes 'that can be normal' and 'that isn't even long OP' blah blah but actually the vast majority of couples conceive at least once within 6 months so to have 10 months of BFNs whether I tested or simply didn't and had AF showed up is really fucking hard. For reference I'm 34 and my partner is 36.

The worst part is definitely the uncertainty, for example if someone said it would definitely happen at some point I'd be happy to wait but it's awful knowing that as time goes on you are much more likely to have some problem preventing it. Only thing I know of is one smallish fibroid that was found last year during an ultrasound for other symptoms. Apparently it probably wouldn't prevent pregnancy but I don't even know if I can listen to doctors opinions on such things after all the times they've let me down on other health issues which should have been very straightforward to deal with.

Like many women I tend to find I can be quite positive about it for the first half of my cycle then my mental health flies into the bin during the TWW. It's all getting a bit tedious now.

Why I'm posting is that after all my worry on this, I'm finding myself much less inclined to give a toss at work. I have a relatively demanding role which can be quite tiring, and even though there are mixed ideas of how stress interacts with TTC (believe me, I've trad it all) I'm now at a point where I'm like 'maybe my effort at work is the thing preventing it?'. Whether this is rational or not it reflects a real shift in my mentality, as up until now I've been keen to do my best, try new things, give more than is expected at times for the benefit of the people I work with.

This is complicated by the fact that I work with the public, I won't specify exactly how but most of the people I work with are not employed and at any one point there are at least a few who are pregnant. There is definitely part of my mind that thinks 'perhaps these women have an easier time getting pregnant because they're not at work like me'. There may be some element of truth to this, as some people say that any stress does reduce fertility. But whether it's true or not, I just can't bring myself to give my best at work now. I would also add that I don't begrudge these women for not working, it's more the suspicion that being free from work stress may be beneficial in conceiving. Maybe I'm just starting to reach a point where I'll try anything, AIBU?

I understand your frustration, but I think you're looking in the wrong direction. Now isn't the time to scale back at work but rather the opposite: it's the time to store up "credit" in terms of career advancement and reputation at work so that taking time off during pregnancy and the inevitable loss of work hours when you have a small kid won't torpedo your career. Also, scaling back at work won't help with your TTC stress itself - if anything it will give you "permission" to wallow in your own sorrow and to let TTC take over your life even more than you are already letting it. I'm not belittling TTC stress. But don't let it wreck your life. Do the things that will actually help you instead: get a full fertility checkup for both of you so you know whether there is actually a problem, get some counselling/therapy to help manage the TTC stress, and though I know it's hard, try to find something else that you can focus on and gives you a feeling of self-worth alongside the TTC process (you may laugh, but back in the day when I did 4 full rounds of IVF, I registered for an intensive evening course, because I knew that a 'no' on a pregnancy test was not all bad, as it meant I could continue with the course :)

If as a couple you can afford for you too quit - then personally I would.
Some things in life are more important than a job you hate.

Wouldn’t it be better just to actually quit?

I wouldn't quit. You'l need the maternity payment if a baby comes along.

Aso, if you aren't working, TTC will become your entire focus and it will become obessive.

Have both you and your partner had a full fertility work up? AMH? Sperm count? Mobility etc?

Thanks for your considered reply and for sharing your experience. I don't think it's silly at all that you found something to turn your focus to during your rounds of IVF. It actually sounds like a very clever way to manage your expectations and ensure you still have something constructive to spend your energy on. I hope you got or get your baby ❤️

However I'm reluctant to go down the private investigations route. Not just out of expense but the principle of it. I'm already awaiting a gynaecologist appointment on the NHS related to the fibroid and its possible impact on TTC and my partner recently had a semen analysis (results not back yet as they only give them to you in person at this clinic apparently). I just feel that there's way too much exploitation of people who are quite desperate. Yes if push came to shove and it still hadn't happened a while after a year I would probably open my wallet but since I've already forked out a great deal for things like dental care which should be better funded, I'm not going private until then.

I'm not saying that I'm doing a bad job intentionally at work just that I'm reigning in a lot of effort. I come into contact with so many people every day and up until recently I've probably gone above and beyond but by the end of the day I often feel physically drained and by the end of the week by throat is actually scratchy from all the talking. I just can't give that much anymore with this going on, I will take on board what you said about trying not to let TTC take over too much but I think I'm hitting my limit of what I can put up with every week now. Maybe finding something else alongside work that gives me more back is the way to go.

Sorry if it sounded like I hate my job, I don't. Im just starting to resent the mental and to some degree physical toll it takes on me every week. Until now I was handling it well but with the TTC stress I'm overthinking its effect. Like, I enjoy me job but is my effort in it swapping my energy and stressing me and that's what's preventing pregnancy?

Sorry if I was unclear, 'quiet quitting' is a daft phrase that means 'to reign in your efforts at work' some people say to do the bare minimum. Under no circumstances could I afford to actually quit 😅

I think in the first instance you need to book some days off for your head space x

I haven't had AMH but I seem to ovulate every month with positive OPKs, obvious CM and regular cycles. We are waiting for my partner's SA to come back.

Could you get away with it though? In reality, how would you do less work but avoid being spoken to by a manager?

We took time to conceive our first DC. I was your age. GP referred us to NHS consultant at 12 months. First appointment was told to have more sex and they would order tests.

Are you actually having enough sex? Think we were advised every day at a certain time of month and every other day before after.

You need to find somewhere to focus so work is probably a good outlet but you need to manage your stress.

I think if you work face to face with vulnerable people as it seems the OP does reigning back effort gets noticed pretty quickly - in my experience anyway.

Has your dh/dp had tests? Why are you assuming YOU are the issue here?

Exactly. I'm not sure how it would work in practice (without it being brought up by a manager).

I think if you can’t cope with work while TTC, you really shouldn’t be having a baby. It does not get easier! Not in pregnancy. Not when you’re operating on 3 hours sleep or rushing to nursery before it closes or when you have to miss a work trip because you’re stuck in the house for 2 weeks due to chicken pox or when your teen is telling you how much they hate you. If you don’t like your job, get a new one. But these are the easy days.

Quiet quitting confuses me because this is how I've lived my whole life!

You should quiet quit anyway, regardless of your personal circumstances. I did it ages ago, i just turn up, do the bare minimum, go home, get paid. Easy. I think anyone who sacrifices their personal life for a job is crazy.

"Quiet quitting" often just means putting in a sustainable amount of effort, and not trying to carry the world on your shoulders - which is sensible.

Without giving too much away we are not very closely managed. I am still fulfilling my duties in all areas I'm just not giving my best at all times as I would have tried to previously.

It's not that I can't cope, it's that I'm worried the energy I spend each week on work might be affecting my ability to conceive. Whether this is true or not it's reducing my motivation to work as hard as I usually do.

She didn’t say she hates her job!?

And we wonder why our country is the shit show it is…

Look, you can't give it your all in all areas at all times. That's a given.

I currently have a toddler, a busy period at work doing FT hours compressed, our house has gone up for sale, and I'm prepping for surgery. That's QUITE enough to be going on with!

I would quiet quit at work, but I also wonder if you can quiet quit in any other way? For example, at the moment I'm living on a very basic and boring rota of microwave wholegrain rice, cooked chicken and steamed veg, sometimes it's pasta or potatoes and sometimes it's fish. Toast with eggs or salmon or avocado. But that's what I can eat and I'm not busting a gut to make it more interesting because people think you should always be eating diverse and fabulous range of properly cooked food.

It sounds like you need to put work in it's place - I disagree with PP who say this is the easy bit, because although it is harder work with a baby/toddler, it's also simple in a way, because your child will always come first.

Women get pregnant in war zones, and as a result of absue and rape. Women going through IVF get pregnant (arguably one of the most stressful periods of their life.) If stress prevented pregnancy very few people would he having babies. However your mental health is obviously important regardless of TTC and if you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed then you should think about how to reduce stress in your life generally ie exercise, meditation, hobbies etc. Xx

It took me two years to conceive my daughter. Conceived naturally on cycle 24. 3 years now to TTC a sibling at 37. Failed IVF etc. I would honestly try and keep your life as normal as possible. It does not impact fertility. Maybe try therapy as it sounds like TTC is affecting your life at this point. I understand that, I found conceiving first time round really stressful.