To quiet quit at work due to TTC stress

[Maomee]

NC due to personal nature. Sorry, bit of a rambly and negative one.

Just so utterly fed up with it. On month 10 of TTC now and yes 'that can be normal' and 'that isn't even long OP' blah blah but actually the vast majority of couples conceive at least once within 6 months so to have 10 months of BFNs whether I tested or simply didn't and had AF showed up is really fucking hard. For reference I'm 34 and my partner is 36.

The worst part is definitely the uncertainty, for example if someone said it would definitely happen at some point I'd be happy to wait but it's awful knowing that as time goes on you are much more likely to have some problem preventing it. Only thing I know of is one smallish fibroid that was found last year during an ultrasound for other symptoms. Apparently it probably wouldn't prevent pregnancy but I don't even know if I can listen to doctors opinions on such things after all the times they've let me down on other health issues which should have been very straightforward to deal with.

Like many women I tend to find I can be quite positive about it for the first half of my cycle then my mental health flies into the bin during the TWW. It's all getting a bit tedious now.

Why I'm posting is that after all my worry on this, I'm finding myself much less inclined to give a toss at work. I have a relatively demanding role which can be quite tiring, and even though there are mixed ideas of how stress interacts with TTC (believe me, I've trad it all) I'm now at a point where I'm like 'maybe my effort at work is the thing preventing it?'. Whether this is rational or not it reflects a real shift in my mentality, as up until now I've been keen to do my best, try new things, give more than is expected at times for the benefit of the people I work with.

This is complicated by the fact that I work with the public, I won't specify exactly how but most of the people I work with are not employed and at any one point there are at least a few who are pregnant. There is definitely part of my mind that thinks 'perhaps these women have an easier time getting pregnant because they're not at work like me'. There may be some element of truth to this, as some people say that any stress does reduce fertility. But whether it's true or not, I just can't bring myself to give my best at work now. I would also add that I don't begrudge these women for not working, it's more the suspicion that being free from work stress may be beneficial in conceiving. Maybe I'm just starting to reach a point where I'll try anything, AIBU?

‘Quiet quitting’ is doing a poor job. It’s doing the minimum requirement. It seems like you’ve been enlightened on this as to what ‘quiet quitting’ actually means though.

If you do horrendous overtime, never get a statutory lunch break and deal with aggressive managers, then fair enough – take care of yourself. But I think you have allowed TTC to make myths of what’s really going on.

The stats are from published studies.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648323008507?utm_source=chatgpt.com

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14704244/

What a horrible comment. Can you not see saying to someone who is struggling to TTC 'these are the easy days' is so incredibly insensitive?

My friend was struggling to conceive and had fibroids removed and then got pregnant. Might be worth looking into privately?
Good luck I hope you get a positive very soon, it's a hard journey to be on

Maybe the staff are all quiet quitting.

Many people who have a stressful job or stressful life find focusing on their mental wellbeing useful.

things that are relaxing are often simple but really can reduce your stress :

Take up yoga, do some colouring in, go to Pilates, join a choir, take the dog for a walk, go for a run, take up crochet, do paint by numbers, diamond art, pottery class, stroke a furry animal, spend time in nature.

getting fired from work because you’re not pulling your weight is not going to help your stress levels.

I agree there is no point in getting more tests before you get your husband's test results. But: you seem to be set on stress as explaining why you're not getting pregnant, for which there's rather little evidence - rather than actually looking at the evidence, which is that the vast majority of cases of infertility at your age are explained by things for which tests can give you an answer, or at least point to what might be most effective: male factors; damaged tubes; low ovarian reserve.

Finding a fertility problem doesn't necessarily mean jumping to expensive IVF. I know plenty of couples who just needed a little bit of help: an injection to time ovulation, or to "ripen" more than one egg each month, or IUI (which gives the sperm a little help). All these are really not a huge deal. But my advice as someone who waited a lot of time then took a lot of time to get pregnant: if the SA doesn't give an answer then get other tests, so that you're not wasting your time. You'll thank yourself when you're trying for your second and still in your 30s rather than leaving things too late.

You won’t consider even a private investigation, out of principle? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. You’re already feeling drained by the sounds of it - why make it harder? Once the issue (if any) has been confirmed, you can take that to the NHS if the private clinic suggest IVF.

OP, it really seems like you’re on the defensive. People are trying to be helpful and make useful suggestions but it sounds you’re dead set on making it as hard for yourself as you possibly can. If you can afford it, have the initial tests privately.

I've already had a TV ultrasound and general blood tests my doctor is aware of where I am in TTC and she will refer me if this goes on without success after the next couple of months. If the waiting lists turn out to be atrocious in my area I will consider it, but I have heard waiting for fertility clinics tends to be much faster than things like gynae..

I think if anything, this thread has exposed a bit of a contradiction in that we're often told stress affects fertility, but it's deemed wrong to avoid stress at work where you can.

😂

OP, I think you’ve made up your mind. I’m not sure why you’re asking the question.

Hi @Maomee I have been in your exact position. The term I’ve seen nobody mention is “work to rule” which is what “quiet quitting” is. It means doing your job description and nothing extra. Women without children in public facing roles with vulnerable people so easily get pulled into the “extra”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “quiet quitting” for a short while.

I was flat out at work while TTC and dealing with a particularly horrific situation towards the end. I stepped back from the project for a month and got pregnant 🎉🎉🎉. I had to go back on and I decided to do my job only and just escalate anything above my pay grade. My line manager was shocked to discover what I had been putting up with. It all imploded before my 12 week scan and thankfully that was the end of it. I still maintain I would never have got pregnant without that month long removal.

I wish you all the best. I can hear the hurt in your post and I remember the anguish of the TWW too clearly. Best wishes to you for getting through.

100% stress can impact conceiving.

Can you afford to take a 6 month career break, relax (try not to think of conceiving as easy as it is to say, I realise its almost impossible) and spend some time on yourself?

WTF? Quiet quitting just means working your contracted hours, not doing unpaid overtime, etc.

"The term I’ve seen nobody mention is “work to rule” which is what “quiet quitting” is. It means doing your job description and nothing extra."

I prefer to call it working your proper hours because work to rule sounds like a protest.

"‘Quiet quitting’ is doing a poor job. It’s doing the minimum requirement. "

Why is doing the minimum requirement doing a poor job. Why have you internalised the idea that people must go 'above and beyond'?

"getting fired from work because you’re not pulling your weight is not going to help your stress levels."

Why would you get fired for doing your actual work and no more?
I can see how in some jobs it would hurt your chances of promotion, but just doing your job is not a sackable offence.

If you are over performing at work then yes I think it’s a great idea to experiment with stepping back a bit. You can still do a very good job without giving every last bit of yourself. Hope it all works out for you

I started TTC at 34, I took nearly 2 years TC with no health issue. I know how it can become all consuming, how you look at others and see how easy they seem to have it. But every one has their cross to bear and you can't compare yourself to others. Best thing you can do is investigate any issues which may impact on TTC, reduce or cut out alcohol and maintain a healthy weight.

The question is not whether stress affects fertility, it's how it affects it, and whether it's likely to be a factor in your case. In cases of extreme stress, the body can stop ovulating or producing LH. If you are having regular periods and getting positive OPKs, it's highly unlikely that stress is having any significant effect on your TTC - because those are exactly the things that would be affected if stress was affecting your fertility (really the only other way stress would affect fertility is lifestyle eg you are missing the window for sex as you are too busy at work, or eating very unhealthily, but that doesn't seem to be the case here). Remember that if normal levels of stress could shut down reproduction, there would be no baby booms during wartime, etc.

On the other hand, as I mentioned in the previous post, there are biological (rather than psychological) issues which are far more likely to be involved in your difficulty to conceive. It can be uncomfortable to pursue testing, as none of us like to feel that our bodies (or our partner's) are failing us. But the tests will likely tell you what is actually making a difference for you, which is unlikely, on the basis of what you've written, to be stress.

It’s 100% affects fertility.
I don’t know how they could possibly conduct any realistic testing on Warzone’s with regards to stress levels versus normal conditions who’s signing up for that experiment?

Why are people being so blunt to someone who has been ttc for eleven months and who sounds scared and a bit desperate? It feels insensitive to me.

But what happens if you never fall pregnant and you're just half arsing it at work? You've left it quite late in the day to conceive naturally, so i wouldn't quiet quit nor quit quit.

I think the issue you've had on here is the phrase you've used.

I absolutely give 100% at work when I need to, but I don't think it's healthy to regular give more of yourself than you can at the expense of your own wellbeing.

So no we shouldn't be agreeing to every request for overtime (which is often unpaid), we should be taking breaks, taking our leave and not going full pelt to the extent that we risk burnout.

We get paid to do a job and we should do a job. Not double that job. I'm self employed now, but when I was employed, on a regular day I left on time, I took lunch breaks, I chatted to colleagues. If there was extra work then I'd take half a lunch or leave a bit late. Most of my colleagues worked through lunch and worked late every day. When they needed to do extra work, then they stayed even later. They weren't better regarded than me, and I was respected for managing my workload. No one gets an award for martyrdom in the workplace and we are all replaceable if needed.

There's no need to 'quiet quit' or any other weird phrase. Just do your job, do it well, but don't make it your life, and leave enough time for you and for living.

Surely it’s just a fact that living in a war zone or living through a famine is stressful? Yet it’s very easy to see that babies are born in these situations. Many babies in fact. I don’t think someone who feels their average job is stressful can be remotely compared to people in war zones and famines.