To quiet quit at work due to TTC stress

[Maomee]

NC due to personal nature. Sorry, bit of a rambly and negative one.

Just so utterly fed up with it. On month 10 of TTC now and yes 'that can be normal' and 'that isn't even long OP' blah blah but actually the vast majority of couples conceive at least once within 6 months so to have 10 months of BFNs whether I tested or simply didn't and had AF showed up is really fucking hard. For reference I'm 34 and my partner is 36.

The worst part is definitely the uncertainty, for example if someone said it would definitely happen at some point I'd be happy to wait but it's awful knowing that as time goes on you are much more likely to have some problem preventing it. Only thing I know of is one smallish fibroid that was found last year during an ultrasound for other symptoms. Apparently it probably wouldn't prevent pregnancy but I don't even know if I can listen to doctors opinions on such things after all the times they've let me down on other health issues which should have been very straightforward to deal with.

Like many women I tend to find I can be quite positive about it for the first half of my cycle then my mental health flies into the bin during the TWW. It's all getting a bit tedious now.

Why I'm posting is that after all my worry on this, I'm finding myself much less inclined to give a toss at work. I have a relatively demanding role which can be quite tiring, and even though there are mixed ideas of how stress interacts with TTC (believe me, I've trad it all) I'm now at a point where I'm like 'maybe my effort at work is the thing preventing it?'. Whether this is rational or not it reflects a real shift in my mentality, as up until now I've been keen to do my best, try new things, give more than is expected at times for the benefit of the people I work with.

This is complicated by the fact that I work with the public, I won't specify exactly how but most of the people I work with are not employed and at any one point there are at least a few who are pregnant. There is definitely part of my mind that thinks 'perhaps these women have an easier time getting pregnant because they're not at work like me'. There may be some element of truth to this, as some people say that any stress does reduce fertility. But whether it's true or not, I just can't bring myself to give my best at work now. I would also add that I don't begrudge these women for not working, it's more the suspicion that being free from work stress may be beneficial in conceiving. Maybe I'm just starting to reach a point where I'll try anything, AIBU?

But you'd be happy to hold your hand out for the wage you earned when you worked harder?

If this is what you want and you think it's an ok way to behave then crack on.

But the reality is that others would very likely have to pick up extra work and your reputation would be shot to bits.

Currently you have no idea what's causing you to be unable to conceive, so I'd protect your job at all costs.

Fair enough!

Obviously I don't know what your situation is. I wasn't particularly closely managed but I know in my case quiet quitting would have been noticed by the clients and my team members.

What's the difference between quiet quitting and just regular work?

Chill out in any and every way you can OP.

My best advice - book an exotic holiday. Somewhere you can't go if you fall preg because of the health risks in pregnancy with the jabs.

It worked for me. Cured just over 2 years of TTC. Lost thousands £ - gained a baby 💐

Good luck x

It's not quite the same as some other workplaces where the workload is shared between colleagues. My workload is very much my own, as I've said I'm still doing my job and fulfilling my responsibilities, I'm just no longer pushing myself to do it as well as I can at all times.
It might be easier to explain if I told you what I do but I'd prefer to keep that private.

I'm just no longer pushing myself to do it as well as I can at all times.

And you think this will help you get pregnant?

Well, it's often said that stress can affect fertility. Even my doctor suggested so when she asked about my general stressors when I first raise dmt concerns about this If I can increase my chances by reducing my stress levels, why not?

Honestly you’re only at month 10, the averages are just that, averages. It takes some people longer. It’s honestly true what they say, you putting pressure on yourself won’t be helping either. I do agree if work is causing you more stress, try and ease that if you can.
We were starting investigations after TTC for nearly 2 years. We decided to put it on hold and get married and worry about further investigation after the wedding. Within 2 months of booking the wedding I fell pregnant.
I was very relaxed TTC, as I didn’t want the added pressure. No ovulation sticks (just got to know my cycle), no taking tests until after a missed period (so about twice in two years). But clearly there was pressure there and it happened when it happened.
I thought work stress was contributing to it for me, but as it happens I got pregnant during one of the most stressful projects I’d worked on for quite a while, while planning a wedding!
Good luck in your journey and I hope it happens for you soon.

I understand your desperation to conceive - but you are hyper fixated on conceiving and that is colouring everything in your life. Obsessing in this way is in itself a stress.

not being patronising but you need to take a breath and step back, carry on having lots of sex, have investigations to check nothing is wrong that can be helped too but you need to relax and not make conceiving your life’s purpose.

But lots of things CAN affect fertility in theory. Doesn’t mean it’s that though. Unless your job is unbelievably off the charts stressful it’s unlikely really to be that. Because as others have pointed out how would SO many women get pregnant during wars and famines and as a result of abuse and rape?
A friend of mine was worried stress was affecting her fertility so she quit her job. They could afford to easily. Still took her 2 more years to conceive (by IVF in the end). By then she was so stressed that she’d never have a job she wished she’d carried on working to distract her!

Edited to add, I find if I go to the doctor about ANYTHING I get asked if I’m stressed. My friends agree. They will want to blame whatever you’re there for on three main things. Smoking, being overweight or stress. Most people will have one of those.

I think you’re being somewhat ridiculous by refusing to pay for private tests if you have the money to do so.

I had one friend that quit work when she found out she needed IVF, she’s now had her baby and is really worried about trying to get back into the world of work again and obviously had a tricky maternity leave with no income.

I’d have gone mad during 2 years of fertility issues if I hadn’t had distractions like work (and that’s a senior role in finance so hard to hide away in!).

good luck, it really gets inside your head.

Hi, just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel me and my partner have been ttc for a year and a half and it was so draining everymonth, i tracked ovulation downloaded the apps, nothing the last few months ive given up testing and stressing about it almost gave up tbh, but just found out im pregnant after a year and a half, didn't think it was going too after that long was getting myself ready to go to the docs about it, but just wanted to say don't give up

I don’t know, are you an obstetrician? That’s what came to mind with stressful role encountering loads of pregnant women! Might be a bad idea to quiet quit that.

probs not helpful but OP I had a proper meltdown like this the month I got pregnant-— also month 10 of ttc!

To be fair OP, 90% of women conceive while in employment, and some have stressful jobs, police, nurses, doctors. Some conceive in extreme grief. I conceived during a period of severe anguish. People concieve in war camps etc so I think leaving work would just be a cop out. Unless you’re planning on having sex all day in your previous work hours? I’m not sure if it would have any impact at all.

Yes I miss-interpreted.
Apologies @Maomee .

This is what I'm inclined to believe generally, and while Im aware that it's possible to conceive under stress, it may be that your chances reduce the more stress you have. Also, everyone reacts differently to stress so even though two people experience the same major stress and emotional struggle, their bodies may behave differently.

There is also the bias which is that people believe you're more likely to conceive if you're carefree and 'juet forget about TTC and it will happen'. Realistically the ones stressing are the ones who have naturally taken longer and stressed as a result of that.

It's quite normal to start wondering what may be standing in your way when you've been trying for so long.

My role isn't as critical as that, nowhere near really. I make a difference in people's lives but it comes at the cost of making me very drained every week. It also involves a lot of commuting and organising things logistically etc which itself is stressful.

I think after reflecting on a couple of responses here what I may need is to change something up a bit. Part of my problem is the repetition of every cycle working hard, hope with trying, let down, disappointed, rinse, repeat. I need to have something else going on in my life to distract me so I'm going to save some of the mental energy that I would have spent at work and spend it doing something I enjoy.

That's so wonderful that you got there! ❤️ Congratulations.
I know that for many people it takes longer, and hopefully we will get there too, but you are right that the monthly let down gets so draining eventually.

I'm happy to hear it happened for you eventually, that must have been a wonderful surprise. I know it can indeed just take some people longer and I'm hoping that's the case for us and that there's nothing major preventing it.

Thank you! ❤️
It really does and everyone telling you it'll happen eventually and all that stuff doesn't make you feel any better either (well it didn't for me)

Hi OP. I remember TTC for our first one - I was 30 and also working in a stressful 'face to face' job with people in difficult circumstances. Sounds like a similar situation to you. It took us over 12 months and I was convinced there was something wrong. But actually, it was the month we moved house, amid everything else, that I conceived, He's 23 now! I think it was the distraction of moving - getting caught up in all that and not hyper-focusing on TTC - that made the difference. After that, we had 2 more and I had no problem conceiving (at 33 and 35).

At the time of my first pregnancy, a friend of mine was also TTC. It took her over 2 years. Again, she was hyper-focused on it, but it was the month they also moved house that it worked out for them too. I can only think that distraction can work? For her second pregnancy, it happened first month.

Fingers crossed for you. I'm sure it will all be good and, once you've had you baby, you won't remember any of this. 10 months is not long at all. The average in your 30s is at least 12 months.

Are you underweight by any chance? I think I was in retrospect and this may have affected things. I also went to a Chinese herbalist who gave me some sort of (vile tasting) herb concoction to aid conception. You could possibly try something like this? I wish you the very best of luck!

“rein” in
reign is what monarchs do!

Haha, you're right 😅 oops

I'm glad you got there eventually ❤️ it is true that the majority of people do get there eventually so I'm hoping that will be the case for us too.

I have heard of many people suggesting that 'focusing' on aTTC means it doesn't happen but I just don't buy that, I don't feel particularly stressed by the TTC itself I just do an OPK to make sure my predictions of ovulation are accurate and we DTD as much as we can, more concentrated around those times.

I just can't see how 'focusing' on it could make it happen or not. Unless you could be subconsciously stressed out by it... but as far as I'm aware, stress can only delay ovulation. It usually doesn't stop it and definitely wouldn't prevent an egg from being fertilised etc. maybe stress can affect fertility at a later point like preventing the uterine lining from properly developing or making it more likely your body will reject a blastocyst that tries to implant? I really don't know, I wish we understood these mechanisms more so I could know what is actually going on .